"It first was a rumour dismissed as a lie but then came the evidence none could deny: a double page spread in the Sund…"

"Hitching up the M11 coming back from a Dexys gig got picked up 'bout half eleven by this bloke in a funny wig"

"He wanted me to beat him up! It was an open invitation! Late at night he picked me up — an act of open provocat…"

"A five pence fine is right and proper — and to sum up my defence it was his fault he came a cropper: CONTRIBUTO…"

"I don't want a fortnight on the Costa del Sol Don't wanna go to Bognor — it's a plague-ridden hole and it don't…"

"No agony, no ecstacy, no pleasure and no pain — so exquisitely uninteresting you drive your wife insane The TV …"

"My wardrobe is like a garden oh, I don't know how I've got the gall! my wardrobe is just like a wardrobe — it's…"

"So thin, and yet... so thick."

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Gotcha!"

"And the Lord Rupert looked at his work, and even he saw that it was a load of crap, but this was the enterprise cultu…"