Television Personalities

"At Pottery Barn, if you knock over a lamp, you have to glue it back together, even if when you're done it looks terrible and it doesn't work. Oh, and you have to stay in the store forever. Oh, and it's an exploding lamp."

"I'm surprised at the reaction it got. I went down there and did exactly what I wanted. I didn't expect it to be some sort of cultural-political line in the sand. I did the style of jokes I'd been doing for six months. The fact that anybody found it surprising or alarming that I would do that was educational to me."

"I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream... Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it."

"Answer honestly... Disabuse me of my ignorance. Don’t let me get away with anything. Don’t try to play my game. Be real. Be passionate. Hold your ideas. Give me resistance. Give me traction I can work against. The friction between reality, or the truly held concerns of the person, and the farcical concerns that I have, or my need to seem important, as opposed to actually understanding what’s true... Where those two things meet is where the comedy happens. So be real. That's the best thing you can do. And call me on my bullshit."

"I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. If people learn something about the news by watching the show, that is incidental to my goal."

"We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything."

"I have tender feelings for Nixon, because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted The Munsters... Nixon was the last liberal president. He supported women's rights, the environment, ending the draft, youth involvement, and now he's the boogeyman? Kerry couldn't even run on that today."

"Language has always been important in politics, but language is incredibly important to the present political struggle. Because if you can establish an atmosphere in which information doesn't mean anything, then there is no objective reality. The first show we did, a year ago, was our thesis statement: What you wish to be true is all that matters, regardless of the facts. Of course, at the time, we thought we were being farcical."

"Well folks, it's October and you know what that means: only a few more weeks 'til Hallowe'en when my family traditionally puts up our Christmas decorations. People come from far and wide to visit our haunted manger. We make their kids stick their hands in a spoooky bowl of Frankincense!! It's actually just spaghetti."

"Get your own entry in an encyclopedia... In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter."

"If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia — it's also a fact."

"But you have one thing that may save you, and that is your youth. This is your great strength. It is also why I hate and fear you. Hear me out. It has been said that children are our future. But does that not also mean that we are their past? You are here to replace us. I don't understand why we're here helping and honoring them. You do not see union workers holding benefits for robots."

"Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes."

"You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?"

"I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot."

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist. It's the fact that he's certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?"

"My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promotion.""

"Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiquita and bursting into laughter. What you can't see off camera is Jon started laughing first. And then I'm weak. As much as I want to make the audience laugh, I really want to make Jon laugh."

"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

"(on Alex Jones) He is a terrible person who lies for a living."

"I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices."

"ABC could have chosen to interpret Kimmel’s words in his favor – he didn’t say what critics said he said. Instead, it chose to interpret his words in maga’s favor. It sacrificed Kimmel in the misbegotten hope that doing so will appease them. It won’t. I don’t mean ABC won’t get something for failing to take its own side in a fight. (I have no idea what it might gain.) I mean surrendering in advance won’t end well, as we have seen in countries like Hungary and Turkey, where “autocratic carrots and sticks,” as Brian Stelter put it, have led to their respective governments having near-total control of the media. No one in Hungary mocks Viktor Orban. No one in Turkey jokes about Tayyip Erdogan. And that’s what Donald Trump wants. Jimmy Kimmel isn’t just a comedian. To the president and maga faithful, he represents “the left,” which is to say, anyone who has enough independence of mind to laugh. Indeed, that might be the biggest obstacle to their hostile takeover attempt. If you have the courage to laugh at the reality of the human condition, you don’t need a strongman like Donald Trump to save you from the truth about it. But courage, like the enforcement of antitrust law, is lacking. It’s one thing for the state to bully private enterprise. It’s another for private enterprise to roll over, because it believes rolling over is its interest."

"Unsurprisingly, the dragnet is widening. I woke up this morning to news about late-night television host Jimmy Kimmel being “suspended indefinitely.” (That probably means his show is canceled.) According to the AP, it’s because comments he “made about Charlie Kirk’s killing led a group of ABC-affiliated stations to say it would not air the show and provoked some ominous comments from a top federal regulator.”<br<What comments? Before I tell you what Jimmy Kimmel said, it’s important to tell you what other people are saying he said. Why? Because it’s like a sinister game of telephone), and the farther we get from the facts of what he said, the more chances there are for the totalitarians among us to replace reality with lies, making us all liars (not to mention insane). First, a voice from the right, Piers Morgan: “Jimmy Kimmel lied about Charlie Kirk’s assassin being MAGA. This caused understandable outrage all over America, prompted TV station owners to say they wouldn’t air him, and he’s now been suspended by his employers. Why is he being heralded as some kind of free speech martyr?” Second, a voice from the left, MSNBC’s Chris Hayes: The ABC affiliates said they would refuse “to air Kimmel’s show, they say, because the comments the late night host made on Monday night relating to the motives of the man who shot and killed Charlie Kirk wrongly suggest[ed] the killer was part of the maga movement. He was not.” Morgan is wrong. Kimmel didn’t lie. Hayes is wrong, too. Jimmy Kimmel did not suggest “the killer was part of the maga movement.” Here’s what he said, per the AP: “The MAGA Gang [is] desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it. In between the finger-pointing, there was grieving.” Also: “Many in MAGA land are working very hard to capitalize on the murder of Charlie Kirk.” See anything wrong here? I don’t."

"When you look at the conduct that has taken place by Jimmy Kimmel, um, it appears to be some of the sickest conduct possible. Uh, as you've indicated, there are, y'know, avenues here for the FCC so there are some ways in which I need to be a little bit, uh, careful: because we could be called ultimately to be a judge on some of these claims that come up. But I don't think this is an isolated incident. You go back to Representative Swalwell, he had a tweet out last week, where he was saying that, y'know, emphasizing that Charlie Kirk's killer was "a straight white male from Republican family that voted for Donald Trump." In some quarters there's a very concerted effort to try to lie to the American people.about the nature, as you indicated, one of the most significant, uh, newsworthy public interest acts that we've seen in a long time. In what appears to be an action by Jimmy Kimmel to play into that narrative that this was somehow a MAGA or Republican motivated person. If that's what happened here with his conduct, that's really really sick."

"But you have to recognize the fact that, critically, Jimmy is great at what he does, and I think he's doing some of the best comedy in late night. I'm a very big fan."

"We've always known Jimmy's had a great deal of raw talent. It's exciting watching him use that talent to become such a dynamic and gifted late night host. The sky is the limit for Jimmy and this show."

"He's a very driven, very focused and very dedicated guy, and it's basically like a dictatorship working with him. He's not scared to tell you that your idea sucks."

"We hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang trying to characterize this kid who killed Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it."

"There was a moment over the weekend, a very beautiful moment. I don't know if you saw this on Sunday. Erika Kirk forgave the man who shot her husband. She forgave him. That is an example we should follow. If you believe in the teachings of Jesus as I do, there it was. That's, that's it. A selfless act of grace, forgiveness from a grieving widow. It touched me deeply, and I hope it touches many, and if there's anything we should take from this tragedy to carry forward, I hope it can be that and not this."

"I never imagined I would be in a situation like this. I barely paid attention in school. But one thing I did learn from Lenny Bruce and George Carlin and Howard Stern is that a government threat to silence a comedian the president doesn't like is anti-American. That's anti-American. And I am so glad we have some solidarity on that from the right and the left and from those in the middle like Joe Rogan. Maybe the silver lining from this is we found one thing we can agree on, and maybe we'll even find another one. Maybe we can get a little bit closer together. We do agree on a lot of things. We agree on keeping our children safe from guns, on reproductive rights for women, Social Security, affordable health care, pediatric cancer research. These are all things that most Americans support. Let's stop letting these politicians tell us what they want and tell them what we want."

"The president of the United States made it very clear he wants to see me and the hundreds of people who work here fired from our jobs. Our leader celebrates Americans losing their livelihoods because he can't take a joke. He was somehow able to squeeze Colbert out of CBS. Then he turned his sights on me, and now he's openly rooting for NBC to fire Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers and the hundreds of Americans who work for their shows who don't make millions of dollars. And I hope that if that happens or if there's even any hint of that happening, you will be 10 times as loud as you were this week. We have to speak out against this because he's not stopping. And it's not just comedy. He's gunning for our journalists, too. He's suing them. He's bullying them. Over the weekend, his Foxy friend Pete Hegseth announced a new policy that requires journalists with Pentagon press credentials to sign a pledge, promising not to report information that hasn't been explicitly authorized for release. That includes unclassified information. They want to pick and choose what the news is. I know that's not as interesting as muscling a comedian, but it's so important to have a free press, and it is nuts that we aren't paying more attention to it."

"I've been fortunate to work at a company that has allowed me to do the show the way we want to do it for almost 23 years. I've done almost 4,000 shows on ABC. And over that time, the people who run this network have allowed me to evolve and to stretch the boundaries of what was once traditional for a late night talk show, even when it made them uncomfortable, which I do a lot. Every night, they've defended my right to poke fun at our leaders and to advocate for subjects that I think are important by allowing me to use their platform. And I am very grateful for that. With that said, I was not happy when they pulled me off the air on Wednesday. I did not agree with that decision and I told them that and we had many conversations. I shared my point of view. They shared theirs. We talked it through and at the end, even though they didn't have to — they really didn't have to, this is a giant company, we have short attention spans and I am a tiny part of the Disney Corporation — they welcomed me back on the air and I thank them for that because I know that unfortunately and, I think, unjustly, this puts them at risk."

"I am a person who gets a lot of threats. I get many ugly and scary threats against my life, my wife, my kids, my co-workers because of what I choose to say. And I know those threats don't come from the kind of people on the right who I know and love. So that's what I wanted to say on that subject. But I don't want to make this about me, because — and I know this is what people say when they make things about them, but I really don't — this show, this show is not important. What is important is that we get to live in a country that allows us to have a show like this. I've had the opportunity to meet and spend time with comedians and talk show hosts from countries like Russia, countries in the Middle East who tell me they would get thrown in prison for making fun of those in power. And worse than being thrown in prison. They know how lucky we are here. Our freedom to speak is what they admire most about this country. And that's something I'm embarrassed to say I took for granted until they pulled my friend Stephen off the air and tried to coerce the affiliates who run our show in the cities that you live in to take my show off the air. That's not legal. That's not American. That is un-American and it is so dangerous."

"I understand that to some that felt either ill-timed or unclear or maybe both. And for those who think I did point a finger, I get why you're upset. If the situation was reversed, there's a good chance I'd have felt the same way. I have many friends and family members on the other side who I love and remain close to even though we don't agree on politics at all. I don't think the murderer who shot Charlie Kirk represents anyone. This was a sick person who believed violence was a solution, and it isn't it, ever."

"I've been hearing a lot about what I need to say and do tonight. And the truth is I don't think what I have to say is going to make much of a difference. If you like me, you like me. If you don't, you don't. I have no illusions about changing anyone's mind. But I do want to make something clear because it's important to me as a human. And that is you understand that it was never my intention to make light of the murder of a young man. I don't — I don't think there's anything funny about it. I posted a message on Instagram on the day he was killed sending love to his family and asking for compassion and I meant it and I still do. Nor was it my intention to blame any specific group for the actions of what … was obviously a deeply disturbed individual. That was really the opposite of the point I was trying to make."

"Even though I don't agree with many of those people on most subjects — some of the things they say even make me want to throw up — it takes courage for them to speak out against this administration, and they did, and they deserve credit for it. And thanks for telling your followers that our government cannot be allowed to control what we do and do not say on television and that we have to stand up to it."

"Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted, if you're just joining us, we're preempting your regularly scheduled encore episode of Celebrity Family Feud to bring you this special report. I'm happy to be here tonight with you. Please be seated. I'm not sure who had a weirder 48 hours: me or the CEO of Tylenol. It's been overwhelming. I've heard from a lot of people over the last six days. I've heard from all the people in the world over the last six days. Anyone I have ever met has reached out 10 or 11 times."

"Many in MAGA-land are working very hard to capitalize on the murder of Charlie Kirk.""

"We hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it."

"Perfecto. He is going to buy that swing-state $100 bill at a time. Its nice to see him paying someone who isn't a porn star for a change"

"I'm not seen as classy enough to host the Oscars."

"There were a lot of people who didn't think we'd get to this milestone."

"Though it makes me sick to do so without my writers, there are more than a hundred people whose financial well-being depends on our show. It is time to go back to work."

"There's something comforting and pleasurable about watching people win money."

"I'm on the Internet a lot more than I watch TV and most everybody I know is, and yet if you watch most late-night talk shows, it's as if it doesn't even exist. So the Internet, it's just something I wanted to make use of in some way. I was fascinated by what appeared to be a child singing this song. It just struck me as funny."

"I believe that David Letterman is the greatest talk show host that ever hosted a talk show. He'd be the last person to say that and he'd probably be horrified to hear that, but I really do believe that. Anything I do, I feel, is a pale imitation at best of what he does. I just try to do whatever I can not to imitate him, because that is the inclination when you idolize somebody, when you watch the show every night growing up as a kid."

"I don't believe that lack of intelligence and appreciation for lowbrow comedy go hand-in-hand necessarily."

""To be perfectly honest with you, ABC picks you to do this and then the machine goes into action and you shoot promos. But I'm still sitting in my bedroom at home going, 'Jeez, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.' And it's a weird situation to be in. And I guess we'll all find out."

"I'm excited, but I am also realistic. I have seen what happened to the people who came before me and failed. It's an unforgiving arena to be in."

"We use puppets because they can get away with more."