"[from an alternate introduction to the characters] Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, 'cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking faggot, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." [Silent Bob rolls his eyes] "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your mom's puss. [pause] That is, unless you got a joint? [Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise] Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!"

"You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.""

"What'd you do that for?! You realise he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?"

"You never go ass to mouth!"

"Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me."

"You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me."

"All right look, there's only one "Return", okạy, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi."

"What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?"

"Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him—God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass."

"So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin' at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin' me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a fucking drone, dude."

"One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be; Batman?"

"This One Time at Band Camp…"

"Joe Phua as Band Camp Student (uncredited)"

"Matthew Herb - Shower Guy"

"Jennifer Walcott - Bathroom Girl"

"Richard Keith - Trading Card Bandie"

"Ginger Lynn - Camp Nurse Sanders"

"Lily Mariye - Dr. Susan Choi"

"[to Elyse and Stifler] Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid. [To Elyse] Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?"

"Dossett March - Andy"

"Rachel Veltri - Dani"

"You know you're like your brother Steve? And I don't think those are the shoes you should be so eager to fill. You know the people Steve thought were his friends? Really didn't like him very much. But I think you're different. I think people wanna like you, Matt, you just make it really hard."

"Angela Little - Sheree"

"Lauren C. Mayhew - Arianna"

"Omar Benson Miller - Oscar"

"Crystle Lightning - Chloe"

"Jason Earles - Ernie Kaplowitz"

"Jun Hee Lee - James Chong"

"Matt Barr - Brandon Vandercamp"

"Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman"

"Eugene Levy - Noah Levenstein (aka "Jim's Dad")"

"We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young man once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal."

"Arielle Kebbel - Elyse Houston"

"Tad Hilgenbrinck - Matthew "Matt" Stifler"

"[repeated line]: Bugger."

"Tom Holland - Cutler Beckett"

"Jonathan Pryce - Governor Weatherby Swan"

"Geoffrey Rush — Captain Hector Barbossa"

"Naomie Harris — Tia Dalma"

"Mackenzie Crook — Ragetti"

"Lee Arenberg — Pintel"

"Kevin McNally - Joshamee Gibbs"

"Jack Davenport — James Norrington"

"Stellan Skarsgård — Bootstrap Bill Turner"

"Bill Nighy — Davy Jones"

"Keira Knightley — Elizabeth Swann"

"Orlando Bloom — William Turner"

"Johnny Depp — Jack Sparrow"

"[After seeing a big slimy tentacle disappear into the ocean] KRAKEN!!!"