"Holy shit! Look who got beat with the ugly stick! Is that you, Bob? I can't believe such a teeny weeny little gun could make a big mess out of someone!"

"Kiefer Sutherland as Bob Wolverton"

"Reese Witherspoon as Vanessa Lutz"

"Remember, men. There is nothing wrong with surrendering to overwhelming powers, as long as it is done in a military manner."

"My girl, and my bomb!"

"There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated."

"The Hilarious Story of How the Duchy of Grand Fenwick Waged War on the U.S. - and Won"

"The New Screen Scream!"

"Peter Sellers — Grand Duchess Gloriana XII / Prime Minister Count Rupert Mountjoy / Tully Bascombe"

"Jean Seberg — Helen Kokintz"

"William Hartnell — Will Buckley"

"David Kossoff — Doctor Alfred Kokintz"

"Phil Cornwell - Dave Clifton"

"Darren Boyd - Martin Fitch"

"Nigel Lindsay - Jason Cresswell"

"Monica Dolan - Angela Ashbourne"

"Anna Maxwell Martin - CC Janet Whitehead"

"Sean Pertwee - SFO Steve Stubbs"

"Tim Key - "Sidekick" Simon Denton"

"I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing."

"Steve Coogan - Alan Gordon Partridge"

"Felicity Montagu - Lynn Benfield"

"I am siege face."

"I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable."

"Simon Greenall - Michael the Geordie"

"Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank."

"[pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off."

"I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services."

"That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews."

"Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing."

"Colm Meaney - Pat Farrell"

"Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile."

"[frantically, to police] Have you got any scissors? Have you got any scissors?"

"Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er... actually realizing I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. No, I am joking, obviously, but er... they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed."

"Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell."

"Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull."

"I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box."