"Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I have seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat terrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out."

"Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it."

"This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a speckulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked."

"Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet."

"We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying."

"7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days."

"Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness."

"When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack."

"I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil."

"I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor."

"Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have."

"Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable."

"I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know."

"Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks."

"I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me."

"Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10."

"I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me."

"I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness."

"I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak."

"Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss."

"What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests."

"Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish."

"I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how."

"I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party."

"Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them."

""Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared."

"When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime."

"Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, But four times he who gets his blow in fust"

"Poverty is the stepmother of genius."

"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."

"I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words."

"Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz about az mutch difference az thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug."

"Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself."

"It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days."

"The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing."

"I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so."

"The wheel that squeaks the loudest Is the one that gets the grease."

"Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend."

"Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blasted concern; put a Yankee in, and he would see where he could alter it to advantage; put an Irishman in, and he would want to boss the thing; put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed to plant it."

"Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us."

"A secret ceases to be a secret if it is once confided—it is like a dollar bill, once broken, it is never a dollar again."

"Nature never makes blunders; when she makes a fool she means it."

"As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well."

"Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted."

"If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money--a mere pimp tew hiz welth."