"[Opening narration] Ever had one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up being the best night of your life? It was June the 22nd, 1990: our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me the King...because...my name's Gary King! Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of player, but really, he was all mouth. We called him "O-Man" because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a 6. Haha He loved it! Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang out with, but, he was good for a laugh...and he was absolutely minted! Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls... I think he saw us as rivals! Hmph! Sweet, really. And Andy... Andy was my wingman, the one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and... I'm not being funny, but, I loved him too. There was nothing we were gonna miss about school! Maybe Mr Shepherd, he was definitely one of the good guys. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him “I just wanted to have a good time”. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be funny - not that night! Newton Haven was our hometown, our playground, our universe. And that night, it was the site of a heroic quest. The aim? To conquer the Golden Mile, twelve pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, all before reaching our destiny: The World's End! We took my car into town; I call it The Beast, because she was pretty hairy! And so our journey into manhood began. We were off! We didn't waste any time; we hit pub one, and we hit it hard! There was drinking, there was fun, there was controversy, there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and of course, there was drinking! By pub five, we were feeling invincible, and decided to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we call The Reverend Green. Pint six put O-Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing; I bumped into his sister in the next pub, we went into the disabled's and I bumped into her again! Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go; I had another date that night and her name was Amber! Nine pints in, and it was us against the world. Things got mental in The Beehive, so we repaired to the bowls club, or as we liked to call it, the 'Smokehouse' - which is when it all went fuck-up! Everyone got Para(noid) and Pete chucked a whitey, so we had to bench him. In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed to the hills. I remember sittin' up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, seeing the orange glow of a new dawn breaking, and knowing in my heart that life would never feel this good again. And you know what? It never did."

"[to Bed and Breakfast clerk] Tonight, we will be partaking of a liquid repast, as we wend our way up the Golden Mile, commencing with an inaugural tankard in The First Post, then on to The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same. All before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus - The World's End. Leave a light on, good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will, in truth, be blind - drunk."

"To "err" is human, so errrr..."

"There's only one Gary King!"

"[reaction to Andrew ordering tap water instead of beer] I don't believe this. A man of your legendary prowess drinking fucking...rain! It's like seeing a lion eating some hummus!"

"[repeated line] They call me The King."

"Robert Morley - Mycroft Holmes"

"Dudley Foster - Home Secretary"

"Barry Jones - Duke of Shires"

"Judi Dench - Sally Young"

"Charles Régnier - Joseph Beck"

"Cecil Parker - Prime Minister"

"Anthony Quayle - Doctor Murray"

"Barbara Windsor - Annie Chapman"

"John Fraser - Lord Carfax"

"Adrienne Corri - Angela Osborne"

"John Neville - Sherlock Holmes"

"Frank Finlay - Inspector Lestrade"

"Donald Houston - Dr. Watson"

"Robert Emms - Insect Man"

"Come, Mister Beck, your face reacts faster than your brain. You remember very well..."

"Lindy Booth - Miranda Swedlow/Night-Bitch"

"For Heaven's sake, stop sawing away on that infernal instrument! It was a sad day when Mother gave it to you, a sad day for her, a sad day for you, a sad day for us all... What I cannot understand is why, since you've had that violin with you so long, you never learned to play!"

"Augustus Prew - Todd Haynes/Ass-Kicker"

"Garrett M. Brown - Mr. Lizewski"

"Max Steiner: Nobody steals in my pub, except me!"

"Iain Glen - Ralph D'Amico"

"Morris Chestnut - Detective Marcus Williams"

"Donald Faison - Doctor Gravity"

"Clark Duke - Marty Eisenberg/Battle Guy"

"John Leguizamo - Javier"

"Jim Carrey - Sal Bertolinni"

"Sherlock Holmes meets Jack the Ripper! Here comes the original caped crusader!"

"Chloë Grace Moretz - Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl"

"You made this real! You started it! Now, I'm gonna finish it--I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus."

"Alright, time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip you."

"I'm here to end Kick-Ass--not just to kill him. I am gonna shit on everything that he loves!"

"Heh heh, yeah! There's a dog on your balls!"

"What's the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want?!"

"Your dad?! You blew up my dad with a bazooka!"

"[last words, before dying] Justice...For...ever!"

"No. No. People WANT to win the lottery, People WANT to fuck Scarlett Johansson, No one WANTS to risk their life so some moron can walk through the projects at night."

"Red Mist was my superhero name. Henceforth, I'll be known as...The Motherfucker!"

"My superpower is that I'm rich as shit."

"I'm going to make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to my Dad."

"Are you really that stupid? There's two of you and a whole army of us, Do you really have such a hard-on to die?"

"Dave, your father loved you. Just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts. But maybe-maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. Something right. Remember what you told me? "This is your life. You got to live it." Now help me find some pliers. I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick."