"In this world there are winners and losers. And, of course, 'the others', who comprise the majority."

"Why do men die before their wives? Could it be because they want to?"

""The pen is mightier than the sword," you say. Get out your pens and prepare to have your logic tested by steel."

"Like most true Scots I despise the haggis, the kilt and the caber. Unlike most true Scots, I am not Scottish."

"Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six."

"You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive."

"There are two types of people in this world: those who live in the cities - or 'citizens' as I call them - and those …"

"It is said that over time, owners come to resemble their dogs. But does that excuse auntie Hilda from shitting in the…"

"You may think I'm cruel to the monkey, but you only see the tip of the iceberg, for the monkey is cruel to me. It hit…"

"It is said that behind every great man lies a great woman. This is because women lie."