Simon Munnery

"In this world there are winners and losers. And, of course, 'the others', who comprise the majority."

"Why do men die before their wives? Could it be because they want to?"

""The pen is mightier than the sword," you say. Get out your pens and prepare to have your logic tested by steel."

"Like most true Scots I despise the haggis, the kilt and the caber. Unlike most true Scots, I am not Scottish."

"Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six."

"You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive."

"There are two types of people in this world: those who live in the cities - or 'citizens' as I call them - and those who live in the countryside... who shall remain nameless."

"It is said that over time, owners come to resemble their dogs. But does that excuse auntie Hilda from shitting in the garden?"

"You may think I'm cruel to the monkey, but you only see the tip of the iceberg, for the monkey is cruel to me. It hits me when I sleep. It sleeps when I hit it. Imagine how impotent that makes me feel."

"It is said that behind every great man lies a great woman. This is because women lie."

"Sex. If you want it badly that's how you're going to get it."

"Whatever it says in the bible the truth remains. You can read the bible and dismiss it as nonsense if you like; you can dismiss it as nonsense without reading it to save time if you prefer."

"Look at the sea and remember the past. Look at the sky and imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And in the most profound place where land, sea and sky are one - there ye shall play volleyball."

"It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother."

"If you only ever read one book in your life... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut."

"I was walking down the road the other day, and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the world is. And I thought to myself "Why would anyone in their right mind bother to take drugs?". Then I remembered I was on drugs, and that was the reason."

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle."

"I went to a funeral the other day. Caught the wreath."