"[about a one-night stand] Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both."

"I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most su…"

"Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one."

"It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of sm…"

"Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sle…"

"Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing."

"I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I rem…"

"Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank."

"[pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off."

"[about fistbumps] Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?"