Stand Up Comedians

"I don't know if I would have been a stand-up comedian in Iran because, as you know, the government advocates free speech... but there's no freedom after you've spoken... It gets a bit deathy."

"Here's my favorite little fact. If anyone is ever described to you as a nutritionist, just be slightly wary, right? What they're saying may be perfectly true, but "nutritionist" isn't a protected term. Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. "Dietician" is the legally protected term. "Dietician" is like "dentist", and "nutritionist" is like "tooth-i-ologist."

"And the Day Two pain of the gym! When you go back to the gym and you're in agony, and every bit of you is in pain. And the gym guy, you go up to him, you go "Why am I in so much pain?"—and he goes "That's because you're using muscles you haven't used in years." And you look at him and go "Why the fuck are we wasting our time with those muscles?"

""Oh, but they're [the Chinese] so wise. They have one word for 'crisis' and 'opportunity'." Yes, but they also have one word for 'China' and 'Tibet' and it's 'China', so fuck them."

"Anyone, in answer to the difficult questions in life, the "I don't know what happens after I die" or "What happens if my loved ones die?" or "How can I stop myself dying?", the big questions, who gives you an easy bullshit answer, and you go "Well, do you have any evidence for that?" and they go "Ah, there is more to life than evidence", get in the fucking sack."

"I'm sorry, 'herbal medicine', "Oh, herbal medicine's been around for thousands of years!" Indeed it has, and then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became 'medicine'. And the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri, so knock yourselves out."

"(on a line in the movie 2012) " 'The neutrinos have mutated.' Now, for the non-nerds here: neutrinos are tiny, sub-atomic, really really almost massless particles, they're released in nuclear breakdowns, like in the sun, for example. Five hundred trillion of them pass through your bodies every second. They can't mutate. Their structure is fundamental to the structure of the universe. Right? They can't just change. He might as well have gone, 'The electrons are angry'.""

"Chinese medicine, oh, Chinese medicine! "But there are billions of Chinese, Chinese medicine must be working." Here's the skinny on Chinese medicine. A hundred years ago the average life expectancy in China was 30. The life expectancy in China at the moment is 73. And it's not feckin' tiger penis that turned it around for the Chinese. Didn't do much for the tiger, if you don't mind me pointing out."

"If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?"

"Science knows it doesn't know everything; otherwise, it'd stop. But just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you."

"Stop taking it literally—it's only the Bible, it's not gospel."

"There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff here under "That's grand"; then it moves into "Ah, now, don't push it"; and finally to "Right! You're taking the piss." And that's where the police sweep in."

"I said "Anyone Jewish here?" and someone goes "I'm Jewish!" and I said … "And what year is this now in the Jewish calendar?" And she goes, "Er, I wasn't expecting questions, to be honest ..."—and then turned to her presumably gentile friend and had a bit of a natter—and then came back with the single finest answer I have ever heard from a member of an audience, where, without any shame at all, she just went, "Yeah, it's the Jewish Year of the Rat.""

""The great thing about homeopathy is that you can't overdose on it." Well, you could fucking drown!"

"Right now I would take homeopaths and I'd put them in a big sack with psychics, astrologers and priests. And I'd close the top of the sack with string, and I'd hit them all with sticks. And I really wouldn't worry who got the worst of the belting with the sticks."

"I'm not a religious man, right, I don't even believe in God. But still Catholic, obviously."

"I think nine times out of ten the worst impulses we get are when we're behind the wheel of a car. That's why I don't think its such a good idea to have a gun … in the glove compartment. Cause chances are, if it's there, sooner or later, you're gonna use it — 'course, then again, what are you gonna do when someone cuts you off on the freeway? Just let them go? Yeah — you pretty much have to shoot them, y'know, otherwise they won't learn nothin'."

"I enjoy my life. The fame part of it freaked me out for a little while, and there are definitely times when it's not so great to be special and known by everybody — you know, when you're wearing the wrong thing, or just in a vulnerable place. But I'm good with my life now."

"There are two thoughts that will ensure success in all you do; (1) Don't tell everything you know, and (2) until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."

"If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"I like people. They're entertaining. I just may laugh at different things than most people. I laugh at mistakes. I laugh at how you recover from mistakes."

"I think we're past the time in history where you have to come out and say, "you know I'm just happy all the time! I'm a joker, I'm a crazy man!" you know kind of thing. I think people understand I can turn that switch on but I'm also a sensitive, normal human being with feelings and I know how to express those too."

"Now fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based on either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it — please! ... My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

"Communication, hardest thing in the world. Y'know, I can look at you guys, I can communicate to you all night, but, one-on-one, I'm terrible. It's just, there's certain things about communicating that really bother me. Like whenever I meet somebody new I say, "Hi! How are you!" Most of the time when people hear that they'll say, "Good! And yourself?", or "Fine! Thank you very much!" But sometimes they like to surprise you, "I've got no dream, man! I'm all dead inside!""

"Comedic actors can be looked at as a lower form because we have to put ourselves in a lower place than most of the audience. I think lofty emotions are somehow considered more special. The best stories in the world to me are the ones that elicit a real emotion, but have humour."

"Everything should be considered. That's all. I think that's all people want. All people want is to be considered."

"You can criticise me all the way to the bank"

"My singles' number one and Shabba don't rank"

"You are a bastard. Hi @JimCarrey do you know the history of #RosaPark?"

"I wish I could do some really weird stuff for you guys, you know?"

"I've learned many great leasson from my father. Not the least of which was that you can fail at what you dont want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

"(Parodying Informer by Snow)"

"Untold American lives have been ruined by the presidency of Donald Trump. The rule of law is imperiled, our unity has been shattered, the service sector has been obliterated, and major cities are suffering. Black Americans, who have endured half a millennium of wickedness and brutality, now face more injustice and death."

"Imagine if you could actually be that happy? That would be powerful, man. People would be tunneling under the street to avoid you. They'd go "Oh, man — is that happy guy still out there?"

"Madness is never that far away. It's as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse. The people who stay sane are the people who can make those quick decisions: "Should I stick my fingers into the fan, or leave the room right now? "Should I run the blade of this razor across my tongue, or just finish shaving and move away from the sink?" But you don't because luckily most of us have that little voice inside our head that says, "Uh uh uh, turning the car into oncoming traffic...is counterproductive!""

"We have to say yes to socialism — to the word and everything [...] Medicare for all, ending student debt, a different approach to the war on terror, ending mass incarceration."

"It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go [high pitched excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?" "Uh... North London." If they know it they get more excited. [more excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?" "Muswell Hill" [even more excited voice] "Where abouts? Where abouts?!" "Do you know Sainsbury’s?" "Yeeeeeeessssssssss!""

"[about public transport] It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train."

"[about travelling by train]"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards."

"Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!"

"And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. [imitates line of people reading newspaper] Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage?"

"I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. [mimics weighing himself down with shopping] "Get the door! Get the door!" She's like, "Shoes off!"… "FUCK OFF!""

"So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?"

"See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name.""

"[About becoming a kid's TV presenter] Could you not interrupt Mr. Penguin?!"

"[On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge] It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted."

"[imitating a scottish person] (on Scottish money) I think you'll find pal, that's legal tender."

"[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details.""

"I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called."