Stand Up Comedians From The United States

"Hey Patton, looks like Paris Hilton's writing a book. And I go, "She's a cunt who should die of AIDS." They go, (nervously) "Ah ha ha, okay! Hey! All right... um, okay, follow-up question. She's also coming out with a line of handbags," "As long as she gets AIDS, that's fine with me, man. If she could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that'd be awesome. If like, a biker could fuck that into her skull...""

"[on KFC's Famous Bowls] I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!"

"I was thinking the other day about a time machine... and the first thing I thought of doing if I actually had a time machine, is that I would go back in time to about 1993 or '94, and kill George Lucas with a shovel."

"I love the fact that I grew up in Sterling, I really do. Because when you're growing up in a nondescript, soulless, boring town, you've been given a present from God. And the present is: The Test of the Small Town. And you pass that test when you go, "I'm leaving before I kill everyone and then myself." That's when you pass. You have passed. You fail when you go, "I'll get a job at the Citgo and fill my truck up for free!" Oops, you fucked up. And the person who administers your test, year after year, until you can't take it any more until you can't take it and you leave, is the movie critic on the local news. That's the guy whose job it is to keep everything relevant and cool and important away from you. You have to get off your ass and go find it on your own initiative."

"If the standard for being impeached is "getting a blowjob" or "covering up a burglary", then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now?"

"Every time I'm on a TV show, and I have a [sexually explicit] line, they never say, "Don't say that! At all!" Because I wouldn't; I know you're not supposed to say that. Instead they say: "Can you find a cute, G-rated way to say that?" Okay. Cleaned-up, G-rated filth is way creepier than straight-up filth. Which is creepier: "I wanna shove my hard cock in your wet pussy" or "I'm gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!" That line right there is completely G-rated. You can say that on TV. And that's fuckin' horrifying. ...Try saying that in bed, "I'm gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice," and prepare for the winter-y freshness of Mace."

"They had a class at my college called "Physics for Poets!" Hey there, theater fags and English queers! Put on some pantaloons and a scarf and take a bracing shot of absinthe and skip on down through a field of gilly-flowers to the Physics department, where we'll teach you about the music of the spheres! Without using any scaaary numbers! And you can ask questions like, "Is the red planet Mercury like the crimson eye of Cerberus?" Whatever, D'Artagnan, sit the fuck down. Let's just get you through this."

"My dong is super-friendly and loves getting rubbed by children. #CareerEndingTwitterTypos"

"The angry "@" tweets from my hammer toed followers opened my eyes. "Pedo-phobe" shaming hurts us all. I am a PROUD pedophile!"

"I don't give a shit where the stuff I love comes from! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you like Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well, here's Jon Voight's ball sack!"

"If they've really caught the #GoldenStateKiller, I hope I get to visit him. Not to gloat or gawk — to ask him the questions that @TrueCrimeDiary wanted answered in her “Letter To An Old Man” at the end of #IllBeGoneInTheDark."

"...I send money to NPR [National Public Radio], I support them, I support them philosophically. But, it's UN-LISTENABLE RADIO! You understand me? I send them money, so I don't have to listen to them. When, when did conservatives steal rock and roll from us? When did that happen? All the AM stations, nothing but racist fascist douchebags, all their break music is this blasty-ass, gut-bucket rock and roll. Bill O'Reilly will play the White Stripes, for God's sakes! Then you turn it over to NPR and their break music is a sad, lonely saxophone echoing through a sewer pipe somewhere. When did that happen? So you turn it on, [imitates AM radio announcer] "Next on Bill O'Reilly, why black people smell different!" [imitates hard rock electric guitar]. [imitates NPR announcer] "Later on NPR, we'll talk to a woman who makes macrame belts out of old typewriter ribbons." [imitates sad lonely saxophone echoing through a sewer pipe]. Play some Zepplin, for God's sake. "It's our pledge drive here on NPR, and we have a 20-minute field recording of a tumluku which is a Bosnian instrument which can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and three kids who have been killed by a land mine." [imitates tumluku]. "The Tybeshian practice of scream-singing rightfully died out in the 4th Century B.C., but two Berkeley trust fund students have revived it and here is a 40 minute sample." [screams incoherently]."

"In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe."

"I was raised Catholic. That's why I don't take religion too seriously."

"I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession … you take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!"

"Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and…?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!""

"[It's] 2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?!"

"No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend."

"Nature is everything, okay? We don't like to think that our society is nature, because we created it. But guess what? This is no different than a fucking beehive; it's just more complicated, 'cause people are smarter than bees. Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere. … You know what's not natural? You … in the middle of the mountains … in the middle of the winter."

"[On Dr. Phil] Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other girls don't wanna fuck him either; and that guy is gonna say whatever he needs to to make you happy. … He says crazy shit. He told this one man that masturbating is just as bad as cheating on his wife. I fucking shit you not! If I had a gun in my hand I woulda Elvis'd that TV."

"With the help of two concepts that are traditionally opposed—science and spirituality—we humbly reintroduce psychedelics back into the cultural dialogue."

"The targeting of migrant workers — not cartel members, not gang members, not drug dealers. Just construction workers. Showing up in construction sites, raiding them. Gardeners. Like, really? I don’t think anybody would have signed up for that."

"You know, what is the machine that runs this country? Because it's very clear that it's not as simple as elected representatives that are doing the will of the people."

"They don't feel like they fit in anyway. When they give them testosterone a lot of times there is alleviation of anxiety that comes with testosterone and euphoria that comes with that and they say ok this is who I've meant to be which is so crazy that introducing a foreign substance into your body or at least a substance that your body does not naturally have at masculine doses, and that you are introducing that to a feminine body and then saying this is who I naturally am . That doesn't make sense biologically , scientifically."

"What’s weird is that when you say pride, people immediately think of gay.How insidious they snuck it in, They slowly took over pride like they took over the rainbow."

"Canada’s fucking falling apart. All the shit they did during COVID was just the total wrong direction. The trucker convoy, when they froze people’s bank assets … they froze people’s bank accounts that donated money to the convoy. That’s crazy … a peaceful protest, which everybody is supposed to be all about, these people were protesting COVID vaccine mandates and the lockdowns and they fucking went after the people that donated, which is crazy … They shut their bank accounts down."

"Do you know what I made the mistake of doing yesterday? I watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with my 8-year-old and my 10-year-old," Rogan said, as their conversation veered towards controversial films. … "I didn't realise how transphobic that fucking movie is."

"Joe Rogan: What do you think consciousness is? Do you think consciousness is clearly a factor of brain tissue and energy, or do you think it's possible that what our brain is is something that "tunes into" consciousness?Brian Greene: Well, I've spent some time thinking about this question, and I think it is perhaps the deepest question that faces science, or even humanity at some level. My own personal perspective is that consciousness is nothing more than the choreographed motion of particles in various quantum states inside a gloppy, gray structure that sits inside this thing that we call a "head". Do I have any proof for that? No. Does anybody have any proof of what consciousness is? Not at all at this moment. But the history of the reductionist program, where we have been able to take some of the more spectacular creations that have emerged in the world and recognize that they are nothing but the product of their ingredients and the laws of physics, leads me to extrapolate that idea to the experience of consciousness. Now, having said that, there's a deep puzzle. It's called the hard problem of consciousness, which is: if electrons and quarks and particles and laws of physics are all that there is—and if you buy into the fact that electrons don't have an inner world, that quarks don't have an inner world—how can it be that by taking a collection of those particles, you can "turn on the lights"? How can a collection of mindless, thoughtless particles somehow yield mindful experience? And that's a deep question that science has not yet answered. My own feeling is, when we understand the brain better, that question will evaporate. We'll look at the brain with our newfound understanding—maybe it's a hundred years in the making, maybe a thousand years in the making—and we'll say: "Aha! When electrons and quarks and protons move in this particular configuration, one of the byproducts is an inner sensation that we call conscious experience." And that, to me, is the likely answer that we will find. But there are some very smart, well-respected people who go in a very different direction. There are some who say: electrons and protons and quarks, they do have a fundamental proto-conscious quality. They themselves are conscious beings of a sort. Now, it is not like you are going to have electrons that are crying, or quarks that are anguishing, but if you have a little proto-element of conscious experience that is imbued into a particle, and then you take a lot of the particles and then you put them together, the idea is, that yields the manifest conscious experience that we're familiar with. I don't buy into that.Joe Rogan: Why do you pick a position?Brian Greene: Well, I take a position on this because I guess my view is, you look out at the world, and what you do as a physicist is, you move the smallest degree required to explain the phenomena that you are observing. And to move from our current understanding of the world, to leapfrog to a place where electrons are conscious and quarks are conscious, to me is such a fantastically radical move that I don't consider it justified to make that move with our current level of understanding. There was a time, back in the 1800s, when life itself was so mystical that people basically said the same kind of thing: how could a collection of lifeless particles ever come together and yield a living being? They said that they can't. You have to induce a life force, you have to inject a life force, and that's what sparks the emergence of life from lifeless particles. I don't think any serious scientist thinks that today. I think most serious scientists say: "Yes, life is wonderful, life is in some sense miraculous, but life is nothing but the particles of nature coming together to yield the complex molecules of DNA and RNA, the complex cellular structures, the cells come together to yield the more complex multi-cellular organisms, and that is all that it takes to have something that is alive." No life force is necessary. That way of thinking about the world has gone away. And my own feeling is that that kind of progression is going to happen to consciousness. Today it's utterly mysterious how it is that I have this inner voice talking inside my head, how it is that I look around the world and I can see the color red, and I can experience the color red. I don't just have sensors that can call that "red". I mean, an iPhone can do that. I actually have an inner world where I feel that color red. Where does that come from? Hard to answer, that question, but I think, a hundred or a thousand years from now, we'll look back and smile at how we in this era invested consciousness with such a mystical quality, when in the end, it's nothing but particles and the laws of physics, and that's all there is to it."

"When did society forget that kids 'should not make life-changing choices' like gender surgery?"

"But they just don’t want him president again, And they know that if he runs against Biden, Biden is so old, you know? And no matter what you think about his policies, you hear him talk. He’s so old. He’s so compromised."

"Richard Dawkins: I think that eternity is what is frightening about death. And eternity is best spent under a general anesthetic—which is what is going to happen.Joe Rogan: Right. Gonezo. Out go the lights. Maybe, or maybe not. Have you had any experiences with psychedelics?Richard Dawkins: No.Joe Rogan: Do you have any interest in that? […] I would think that a person like yourself, who has this sort of rigorous belief that the lights go out, and then that's it … I would think that that would be attractive to just at least dip your toes in.Richard Dawkins: Yes, yes. Well, don't you think the lights go out?Joe Rogan: I don't know. I have had some pretty profound psychedelic experiences that make me wonder what thoughts are and what consciousness is.Richard Dawkins: Well, I wonder what consciousness is, but it's pretty clear that it's to do with brains, and brains decay. So I wouldn't hold out much hope if I were you.Joe Rogan: Well, you might be right. Certainly, consciousness does have to do with brains. We know brain damage severely perturbs consciousness. But there's some interaction with certain chemicals that makes this experience far different than what it is when we're on "the natch".Richard Dawkins: I believe that, but it's still brains, though.Joe Rogan: Still brains … but that's it? Reductionist?Richard Dawkins: Nothing wrong with reductionism.Joe Rogan: Nothing wrong with it. Not saying there is."

"People are scared, man. They're scared of the void."

"Hamilton Morris: I had a very traumatic and formative experience myself. My best friend had a psychotic break while I was with him tripping, so I have seen this firsthand. I know exactly what it looks like.Joe Rogan: Yeah, I've had friends have really bad experiences too with screaming and yelling and disassociation, and afterwards, become very strange and have a really hard time with reality for a bit. I've never seen someone have a complete psychotic break.Hamilton Morris: This was that. He never recovered.Joe Rogan: Never?Hamilton Morris: He never recovered. He was my best friend at the time, and he never recovered.Joe Rogan: So he was fine before the psychedelics?Hamilton Morris: Yes.Joe Rogan: Jesus Christ. So now, he's still fucked?Hamilton Morris: Yes.Joe Rogan: Damn."

"Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in:"

"Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes." "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue."

"We're all in this, like, constant wrestling match with biology, and the reality of our environment, and the utter ridiculousness of the fucking universe. The whole thing. It's constantly weighing on you. When I drive home, every fucking time I drive anywhere, at some point in the drive, I'll roll down the window … and I look up, and I just want to see forever. And I just want to stick my fucking head out, and know that, that this goes on forever, right from here, forever, little perspective shot. Boom. Roll the window back up. None of it makes sense! It's all crazy! And if you're really paying attention to the whole thing, and pretending that everything's moving along fine and I'm in this temporary body, with no idea of what's next, but that's okay, I'm gonna raise a bunch of other temporary beings, and we're gonna fucking drive around, and spend money, which doesn't even mean anything, because it's based on confidence, and it's just ones and zeroes in a data bank somewhere, and hopefully no one's manipulating it! I want to get what I earn! And you just keep going 'til your fucking heart stops."

"Brian Cox: I'm damn sure that there's nothing going on in my head other than what is allowed by the laws of nature as we understand them.Joe Rogan: So, eliminating "woo", you mean. The idea of the soul being some sort of a divine thing that's inside the housing of the body.Brian Cox: Yeah. I would say we can rule that out, actually.Joe Rogan: Rule it out? How do you rule it out?Brian Cox: I have argued that we can rule it out in the following manner: here is my arm, right. It is made of electrons and protons and neutrons. And if I have a soul in there—something that we don't understand, but it's a different kind of energy or whatever it is we don't have in physics at the moment—it interacts with matter, because I am moving my hand around. So whatever it is, it is something that interacts very strongly with matter. But if you look at the history of particle physics in particular, which is the study of matter, we spent decades making high-precision measurements of how matter behaves and interacts. And we have looked, for example, for a fifth force of nature. So we know four forces: gravity, the two nuclear forces—called the weak and strong forces—and electromagnetism. And that is what we know exists. And we have looked for another one, with ultra-high precision, and we don't see any evidence for it. So I would claim that we know how matter interacts at these energies. It is room temperature now. At these energies, we know how matter interacts, very precisely. And so, if you want to suggest that there is something else that interacts with matter strongly, then I would say that it is ruled out. I would go as far as say that it is ruled out by experiment."

"No one is going to run against Trump on the Republican side and win because you are not going to get the Trump supporters. They are all in on Trump. Unless he has a stroke. Unless something horrible happens,People liked the ideas he was putting forward... everybody thinks there needs to be a wall. Even the Mayor of New York City is now calling to stop immigration into his city. This is a guy who called for it to be a sanctuary city."

"Just because I'm staring deep into your birth canal does not mean that I'm fucked up. It means you should have paid more attention in high school and I have a dollar. I have four quarters and you have a bad job. Don't get pissed at me because you didn't learn how to type, you no-back-up-plan-having pain in the ass."

"I would like to know what is it like when you actually get into office? I would like to know things like what is it like versus perception? What is it actually like when you get in that building? What are you greeted with? When do you know that people are fucking with you."

"I ask that you suspend any opinions, either negative or positive, about these compounds. Whatever you believe their value to be, they continue to have profound effects wherever we find their use, whether it's contemporary Western culture or in the Amazon rainforest."

"I am not homophobic; I am cock-conscious."

"We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius … who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?"

"When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men."

"I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on "In Search of Noah's Ark", and I went "Uhhhhh, how 'bout you go lookin' for the fuckin' Snuffleupagus while you're at it? I heard that dude's a-missin'! You really gonna go? Yeah? Hey, on the way back will you go to Whoville and get me some Green Eggs and Ham? You fucking gullible prick!" Don't get me wrong, if you're religious I'm not saying there's no god, I'm saying; people are full of shit, and that story sucks. Hello? Why do we have to believe it just because it's been around a long time and makes no fucking sense. You tell the story of Noah and the Ark to an eight year old retarded boy - he's gonna have some questions. It's just a bad story! Even if you're really good at telling stories, and you set him down; "Right, Bobby! Once upon a time, God was mad at all the people in the world! And instead of telling everybody what they were doing wrong and offering guidance, he decided to go ahead and drown everyone! And he only told one man - a random man named Noah. Just picked him out of a crowd, he wasn't a special man - in fact Noah was 600 years old and a drunk! Anyway, God told Noah to build a boat, and he and his family would be the only people to survive the flood. Because, apparently, all the people with their boats, their shit didn't work! Noah magically got two of each animal to come to him on foot, from all over the world! And they willingly boarded the boat and got in the cages, and they sailed away for forty days and forty nights and civilisation began anew!" Eight year old retarded boy's gonna be like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhh, there's a lot of holes in that story! Let me sit down for a moment! First of all, how big is this fuckin' boat?! Didn't you tell me there were millions of animals? One guy built this boat, how long d'it take him? Where did he get all of the wooooooood? 600 years, he seem a little old for a fella to be taking on a project of this magnitude! [Grunting noises] The animals come on foot, isn't the earth 24,000 miles long? With three quarters covered with the water?! Wait a minute, what did the animals eat when they were on the boat for forty days, since since animals like to eat other animals! I'M NOT THAT RETARDED!" You motherfucker. "Four people come from Noah, Noah's a white guy, where did all the black people come from?!" I'm all in favour in believing that there's a purpose to life. I just want it to make a little sense, that's all."

"[About Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision.""

"Since the last time I was here, I've had a few things change in my life. Some things happened that were so crazy, that I couldn't even believe it was a possibility. First thing that happened was I had my first ever celebrity death hoax, meaning that someone faked my death on the internet and it went viral. Someone wrote an amazing article that was read by over 30 million people that was so good, even I was like, "Oh my god, I was so nice." [Audience laughs] TMZ reported it for 30 minutes until they called my publicist and confirmed I was still alive. The article said that I had died on October 31st from complications of Type II diabetes. And in my head, I'm thinking to myself, that's a hell of a day to kill a diabetic. You know what I mean? That's like killing Santa on Christmas Eve. Thirty million people read this article, no one thought to call me...except Martin. [audience cheers] That's right. Martin was the only one that called me, and I think that was just to verify that he still had employment. [audience laughs] I got that phone call: [Imitates phone ringing] "Hello?" Martin was like, "Hey...you dead?" "No man, I'm good." "I figured. You would've texted me." [Mimes Martin hanging up his phone] And I would've, 'cause that's the kind of friend I am, you know?"

"The first time I came here, I got the chance to meet some people, and they said, "You know what, Gabriel, have you ever been here, have you ever been to Chicago?" I'm like, "No, it's my first time." They said, "Well, you know, we'd like to take you out eat if you're down." And I'm like, "Well, hello!" [Audience laughs] "I'm very down!" They took me to a restaurant called Portillo's." [Audience cheers] You've heard of it? So, we get there, and it was, it was very, very good. The hot dogs were delicious, I had a chicken chopped salad, it was amazing. I had a beef dip, really really good. But it wasn't until the meal was almost over that these new friends of mine said, "We'd like for you to try something you've might not have ever had before." And I'm like, "That's not likely." I said, "So, what is it you want me to try?" And they said, "Well, they sell a thing here at Portillo's called a Chocolate Cake Shake." [Audience cheers] I said, "You had me at 'Chocolate'." They said, "Well, you gotta go to the special window and you gotta order it from the lady." I go, "Okay, cool." So, I get up and walk to the lady, and she's like, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes, my friends are telling me that I need to try this thing, called a 'Chocolate Cake Shake'." "Okay, what size would you like?" "How good is it?" "You'll want a large." [Audience laughs] "Alright, can I please have a large Chocolate Cake Shake?" "No problem." [Imitates her entering the order in on the cash register] And I pay, and she turns around and walks over to this little refrigerator that's on the counter, and she opens it up, and she pulls out a piece of chocolate cake. And I'm thinking to myself, "She must have misunderstood what I said. I didn't ask for a piece of chocolate cake, I asked for a Chocolate Cake Shake." She must've heard what I was thinking, because she's walking by and she's like, "It's gonna happen." She walks over to the blender, she takes the freaking lid off, she just looks at me and does this. [Mimes the cashier turning her hand over, dropping the chocolate cake in the blender] And I was like, "NO!" And she's like, "Oh, yeah." [Mimes the lady pushing the button and the blender blending the cake] And she pours it, and she hands me this, like, 44-ounce chocolate shake, which is WAY more than anybody should be drinking. The straw was so thick, you could almost put your thumb in it, okay? So, I grab this shake, and I begin to attempt to drink it. So, I'm [Mimics him trying to suck the shake through the straw, making heavy "MMM" sounds], and I can see the shake coming up. [Still makes the "MMM" sounds, while using his finger to show how show the shake's coming up the straw] And it hit, and then, all of a sudden, [Mimics his nipples getting hard] "WOOOOO!""

"My son, he's eighteen years old, but he still doesn't cuss at home. Okay? Now, whatever he does in public, I have no control over. But at home, he knows he cannot cuss. One time. One time in, like, thirteen years, I caught my son cussing at home, and I couldn't even get mad: He'd fallen down the stairs. [laughter] I don't mean to laugh but think about it. What am I going to do to him that's worse than what he just did to himself? I heard it, too. "AH!" [imitates someone falling down stairs] "Son of a bitch!" I ran over, I didn't even check his safety. I was like, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" [Imitates Frankie looking worried at Gabriel] "Yeah, you earned that one." I said, "If you want to say the F word, next time let me push you.""

"So, I come home, I was so tired, and I look at my phone to check my messages, and I had a voicemail message from a guy by the name of Channing Tatum. [Female audience members cheer and woop] Now, for those of you not "woo"-ing, let me explain who that is. Channing Tatum is the new Hollywood hot guy, he's doing all these movies, coming out really good-looking, ripped, you know. He's making a lot of films, and there's a voicemail on there from him. "Gabriel Iglesias, this is Channing Tatum, call me at your earliest convenience..." blah-blah-blah. So, I was like, "Well, okay." So, I call him. [Mimics dialing on phone and ringing] "Hello?" "Hi, this is Gabriel Iglesias calling for Mr. Channing Tatum?" He yells, "FLUFFY!" [Mimes pulling his phone away in surprise] "...Hello?" "Oh, dude, man, I'm a huge fan. Hey, listen, real quick, I only have, like, a minute. Look, bro, I'm doing a new movie, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in reading and auditioning for one of the parts." I said, "Sure, bro, I'd be happy to audition for...for your movie. What's it called?" He goes, "The movie's called Magic Mike." [Female audience members woop loudly] I was like, "Oh, cool, Magic Mike. So, you need a magician, you need an assistant, you gonna saw me in half, what's gonna happen?" "Actually, bro. The movie has nothing to do with magic. It's actually a movie about male strippers." I said, "Male strippers?" He goes, "Yeah, male strippers." I said, "You do know that this is Gabriel Iglesias, right?""