"Narrator of True Direction video: No one would have guessed what would happen to this sweet little girl. By a young age, Kelly had a promising future: mommy's little helper and prom queen. Kelly had hopes to be a model one day. That is... until she was recruited into the homosexual lifestyle."

"Andre: [about Graham] She's just upset, because the fish on her plate is the only kind she can eat."

"Megan's Dad: Dear Lord, please bless this food that we are about to eat. We thank you for the abundance that You have provided. Please help us to follow Your path, the one you intended us all to follow. And Lord... please help us to obey the roles in life You set for us. For all that is natural and... healthy... and sacred, in Your name we pray. Amen."

"[to Graham]: You are so good at being straight."

"No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker. I've never been to the Cocksucker. I won't. My cocksucking days are over. I am normal."

"“Jan, you were molested … I mean just take a look at yourself”"

"“Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are! Boys… always wanting something ... you can't have? If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again, you'll be watching sports the whole weekend!”"

"[to Graham] It's your choice; you can run off with Megan and turn into a raging bull-dyke, or you can do the simulation and graduate and lead a normal life."

"[to Megan]: Get out of bed! You hormonal hussy! I can't believe you did this!"

"I have told you over and over again! No more sipping! Chug it, like a man! Go on, chug!"

"Foreplay is for sissies! Real men go in, unload and pull out!"

"Would you tie her to your bed and zap her to death? Or are you running low on batteries?"

"You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught."

"I'm not perverted! I get good grades! I go to church! I'm a cheerleader! I'm not like all of you!"

"I thought it was just an act, but you really are sweet as fucking pie, aren't you?"

"I need you to teach me how to be a lesbian. What they wear, what they eat, where they live"

"I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! [...] Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo. [cries]"

"I refuse to accept a false solution to my problem. I resist temptation and seek to solve my problem."

"Women have roles. After you learn that, you'll stop objectifying them."

"Julie Delpy - Lipstick Lesbian"

"Michelle Williams - Kimberly"

"Brandt Wille - Jared"

"Katharine Towne - Sinead Lauren"

"Katrina Phillips - Jan"

"Douglas Spain - Andre"

"Dante Basco - Dolph"

"Kip Pardue - Clayton Dunn"

"Richard Moll - Larry Morgan-Gordon"

"Joel Michaely - Joel Goldberg"

"Wesley Mann - Lloyd Morgan-Gordon"

"Melanie Lynskey - Hilary Vandermueller"

"Eddie Cibrian - Rock Brown"

"Bud Cort - Peter Bloomfield"

"Mink Stole - Nancy Bloomfield"

"Elisabeth Shue - Lori Craven / "Angelique""

"Sheila Kelley - Fran"

"Paul Johansson - Blair Brennan / "Bolt""

"Kathy Najimy - Tawny Miller"

"Teri Hatcher - Ariel Maloney / "Dr. Monica Demonico""

"Garry Marshall - Edmund Edwards"

"Carrie Fisher - Betsy Faye Sharon"

"Whoopi Goldberg - Rose Schwartz"

"Cathy Moriarty - Montana Moorehead / "Nurse Nan""

"Robert Downey, Jr. - David Seton Barnes"

"Kevin Kline - Jeffrey Anderson / "Dr. Rod Randall""

"Sally Field - Celeste Talbert / "Maggie""

"A Deliciously Malicious Comedy."

"All that glitter... All that glamour... All that dirt."

"I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap."

"Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range."