Playwrights From England

"The day of the android has dawned."

"One of the objections I have against Campbell's Astounding was that there was too little love in it. It was a very loveless magazine. They never took enough account of the feeling that is always in SF."

"The midwife bustled out to the four in the antechamber and announced that the Almighty (who had recently become a Protestant) had seen fit to bless milady with a son."

"A later generation could have explained the miracle to Sir Frank — though explaining in terms he would not have understood. Though he knew well enough the theory of family traits and likenesses, it would have been impossible then to make him comprehend the intricacy of a chromosome which carries inside it — not merely the stereotypes of parental hair or temperament — but the secret knowledge of how to breathe, how to work the muscles to move the bones, how to grow, how to remember, how to commence the processes of thought … all the infinite number of secret "how to's" that have to be passed on for life to stay above jelly level. A freak chromosome in Sir Frank ensured he passed on, together with these usual secrets, the secret of his individual consciousness."

"It's easy to forget you are in debt to the tune of £10, and to a woman who never forgets anything. Crikey, she can even tell you which Coronation Street character was the first one to have their brain removed (Footnote: And not have it replaced by acting talent unfortunately.)"

"Fishing is a jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk at the other end of a line."

"Life with a Jolly Parent is a bit like life in a holiday camp. The beds are too small and there's an outbreak of Salmonella every five minutes."

"Flash Teacher: How to spot: He'll be the only member of staff who drives a customized Lada."

"For a start, let's look at the Grotto itself. By and large these are extremely aptly named, 'Grot' meaning rubbish and 'Oh' being exclamation of disappointed surprise."

"There are two distinct types of bike: The one you save up for and buy yourself, otherwise known as the 'Dream Machine' , and the one your parents buy for you, otherwise known as the 'Complete waste of space'."

"What Orton had to say about England and society had never been said before. The first thing it showed was a society diminished by telly-technology. Everybody expresses themselves as if they were brought up on television."

"Orton, like Wilde, was a master of artificial diction and, unlike Wilde, a master craftsman as well."

"South Ruislip Mandarin."

"Orton was outrageous and anarchistic... He has become a tradition."

"The piece [Entertaining Mr Sloane] is by a young master of artificial diction and ribaldry, a writer whom other writers recognized. Seán O'Casey said cheerfully to me that this was a play to make a man pull his trousers up."

"Orton no longer seems to be merely a footnote in the history of modern drama but merits at least a significant chapter. His growing popularity must come as a surprise to many critics and reviewers, who thought of him as a slickly clever, commercial dramatist."

"Gradually, Orton's terrible obsession with perversion, which is regarded as having brought his life to an end and choked his very high talent, poisons the atmosphere of the play [What the Butler Saw]. And what should have been a piece of gaily irresponsible nonsense becomes impregnated with evil."

"With insanity, as with vomit, it is the passerby who receives the inconvenience."

"He became a pivotal figure, a crucial embodiment of the post-modernist impulse; by means of farce he gives expression to that conviction of a dislocated self, of a reified experience, of a brittle and contingent language, which still seems to define the nature of our private fears if not always of our public protestations."

"I think...it's a much more profound and serious play than Chips With Everything or Look Back in Anger. I think it will survive and tell people more about what it felt to be alive in the sixties than anything else of that period."

"The Oscar Wilde of Welfare State gentility."

"On the bus going home I heard a most fascinating conversation between an old man and woman. "What a thing, though," the old woman said. "You'd hardly credit it." "She's always made a fuss of the whole family, but never me," the old man said. "Does she have a fire when the young people go to see her?" "Fire?" "She won't get people seeing her without warmth." "I know why she's doing it. Don't think I don't," the old man said. "My sister she said to me, 'I wish I had your easy life.' Now that upset me. I was upset by the way she phrased herself. 'Don't talk to me like that,' I said. 'I've only got to get on the phone and ring a certain number,' I said, 'to have you stopped.'" "Yes," the old woman said, "And you can, can't you?" "Were they always the same?" she said. "When you was a child? Can you throw yourself back? How was they years ago?" "The same," the old man said. "Wicked, isn't it?" the old woman said. "Take care, now" she said, as the old man left her. He didn't say a word but got off the bus looking disgruntled."

"On our way home we were waiting for the bus when a very fat, pompous-looking woman reeled out of a pub shouting, "Melancholia? Ad nauseam.""

"Usual messages from the heads of the establishment. The Queen from Windsor, the Pope from Rome: Pilate and Caiaphas celebrating the birth of Christ."

"Sir — In finding so much to praise in Entertaining Mr. Sloane, which seems to be nothing more than a highly sensationalized, lurid, crude and over-dramatised picture of life at its lowest, surely your dramatic critic has taken leave of his senses.The effect this nauseating work had on me was to make we want to fill my lungs with some fresh, wholesome Leicester Square air. A distinguished critic, if I quote him correctly, felt the sensation of snakes crawling around his ankles while watching it.Yours truly,Peter Pinnell"

"Sir — As a playgoer of forty years standing, may I say that I heartily agree with Peter Pinnell in his condemnation of Entertaining Mr Sloane.I myself was nauseated by this endless parade of mental and physical perversion. And to be told that such a disgusting piece of filth now passes for humour!Today's young playwrights take it upon themselves to flaunt their contempt for ordinary decent people. I hope that the ordinary decent people of this country will shortly strike back!Yours truly,Edna Welthorpe (Mrs)"

"What the Butler Saw will live to be accepted as a comedy classic of English literature."

"Prentice: I'm not mad. It only looks that way. Rance: Your actions today would get the Archbishop of Canterbury declared non-compos. Prentice: I'm not the Archbishop of Canterbury. Rance: That will come at a later stage of your illness."

"Mrs. Prentice: Are you Geraldine Barclay? Nick: Yes. Mrs. Prentice: Where have you been? Nick: I've been attending to the thousand and one duties that occupy the average secretary during her working hours. Mrs Prentice: It doesn't take the whole morning to file your nails, surely? Nick: I had to lie down. I was sick. Mrs. Prentice: Are you pregnant? Nick: I can't discuss my employer's business with you."

"Prentice: This appalling situation is the result of my lax moral code. It's clean living and Teach Yourself Woodwork for me from now on!"

"Geraldine: At least give me back my clothes. I feel naked without them."

"Prentice: What this young woman claims is a tissue of lies. Match: This is a boy, sir. Not a girl. If you're baffled by the difference it might be as well to approach both with caution."

"Mrs Prentice: Are you ashamed of the fact that you write to strange men? Prentice: There's nothing furtive in my relationship with the editor of The Guardian."

"Nick: I'm sorry if my behaviour last night caused your wife anxiety, but I've a burning desire to sleep with every woman I meet. Prentice: That's a filthy habit and, in my opinion, very injurious to the health. Nick: It is, sir. My health's never been the same since I went off stamp-collecting. Prentice: We have an overall moral policy in this clinic from which even I am not exempt. Whilst you're with us I shall expect you to show an interest in no one's sexual organs but your own. Nick: I would miss a lot of fun that way. Prentice: That is the object of the exercise."

"Prentice: It's ridiculous. I'm a married man. Match: Marriage excuses no one the freaks' roll-call."

"Geraldine: We must tell the truth! Prentice: That's a thoroughly defeatist attitude."

"Rance: Were your relations with your secretary normal? Prentice: Yes. Rance: Well, Prentice, your private life is your own affair. I find it shocking none the less."

"Prentice: It's a fascinating theory, sir, and cleverly put together. Does it tie in with known facts? Rance: That need not cause us undue anxiety. Civilizations have been founded and maintained on theories which refused to obey facts."

"Geraldine: I'm quite sane! Rance: Pull yourself together. Why have you been certified if you're sane? Even for a madwoman you're unusually dense."

"Rance: A search party must be organized. What have you in the way of dogs? Prentice: A spaniel and a miniature poodle. Rance: Let them be unleashed!"

"Mrs Prentice: Have you taken up transvestism? I'd no idea our marriage teetered on the edge of fashion."

"Rance: How shocking! His abnormal condition has driven him to seek refuge in religion. Always the last ditch stand of a man on the brink of disaster."

"Prentice: My nerves are on edge. Rance: You should consult a qualified psychiatrist. Prentice: I am a qualified psychiatrist. Rance: You're a fool. That isn't quite the same thing. Though, in your case, the two may have much in common."

"Rance: You may speak freely in front of me. I represent Her Majesty's Government. Your immediate superiors in madness. I'm from the Commissioners. Prentice: Which branch? Rance: The mental branch. Prentice: Do you cover asylums proper? Or just houses of tentative madness? Rance: My brief is infinite. I'd have sway over a rabbit hutch if the inmates were mentally disturbed."

"McLeavy: I'm innocent. (A little unsure of himself, the beginnings of panic) Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Geraldine: I've no idea who my father was. Prentice: I'd better be frank, Miss Barclay. I can't employ you if you're in any way miraculous. It would be contrary to established practice. You did have a father? Geraldine: Oh, I'm sure I did. My mother was frugal in her habits, but she'd never economize unwisely."

"Truscott: You're fucking nicked, my old beauty. You've found to your cost that the standards of the British police force are as high as ever. McLeavy: What am I charged with? Truscott: That needn't concern you for the moment. We'll fill in the details later. McLeavy: You can't do this. I've always been a law-abiding citizen. The police are for the protection of ordinary people. Truscott: I don't know where you pick up these slogans, sir. You must read them on hoardings."

"Nick: I've also found someone to take an option on the photographs. Mrs Prentice: What photographs? Nick: I had a camera concealed in the room. Mrs Prentice: When I gave myself to you the contract didn't include cinematic rights. Nick: I'd like a hundred quid for the negatives. You've got until lunchtime. Mrs Prentice: I shall complain to the manager. Nick: It will do you no good. He took the photographs. Mrs. Prentice: Oh, this is scandalous! I'm a married woman. Nick: You didn't behave like a married woman last night."

"Truscott: How dare you involve me in a situation for which no memo has been issued."

"McLeavy: Has no one considered my feelings in all this? Truscott: What percentage do you want? McLeavy: I don't want money. I'm an honest man. Truscott: You'll have to mend your ways then."