"Once you've learned to ride a bike, you'll never forget — too bad the same's not true about the combination lock you chained it up with. (#492 – 08/2008)"

"It's funny how the dumbest son and shrillest daughter-in-law never fail to produce the smartest, sweetest grandchildren on the planet. (#493 – 09/2008)"

"People who don't vote are electing to stay out of it. (#495 – 11/2008)"

"When most people think about their problems, the only thing they figure out is that they're too dumb to fix them. (#496 – 12/2008)"

"Many students believe originality means being the first to plagiarize an author's work. (#497 – 01/2009)"

"There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't. (#498 – 02/2009)"

"Hybrid SUV's are like adult diapers — they don't really solve anything, but they make people feel better about the mess they're making. (#499 – 04/2009)"

"Having a smoking section in a restaurant makes about as much sense as having a peeing section in a swimming pool. (#500 – 06/2009)"

"Trying to enjoy the last few days of summer, knowing school is about to start, is like trying to enjoy the last few minutes of an in-flight movie, knowing your plane is about to crash. (#501 – 10/2009)"

"There's a lot to be said for brevity. (#502 – 01/2010)"

"Everyone wants politicians that are just like them — then they're upset when they are. (#503 – 05/2010)"

"People who favor racial profiling should be sent back to where they came from. (#504 – 08/2010)"

"Ask not what your country can do for you — you're just going to be disappointed with the answer. (#505 – 10/2010)"

"Naysayers have it all wrong. (#506 – 12/2010)"

"Too often, the helping hand you're being offered ends up in your pocket. (#507 – 02/2011)"

"Nowadays, a loner is someone who only has 400 friends on Facebook. (#508 – 04/2011)"

"Why is it that people who want government to be small always have the biggest mouths? (#509 – 06/2011)"

"The only thing more depressing than another presidential election is what's likely to result from it. (#510 – 08/2011)"

"If you always see your glass as half empty, try getting a smaller glass. (#512 – 12/2011)"

"America is still the greatest country in the world... but only because all the other countries are collapsing even faster than we are. (#513 – 02/2012)"

"No one's doing anything about the growing apathy in this country. (#514 – 04/2012)"

""Don't ask, don't tell" was a terrible policy for the military, but a great one for Internet search histories. (#515 – 06/2012)"

"Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#516 – 08/2012)"

"You can't judge a book by its cover — and the user reviews on Amazon are usually just as worthless. (#517 – 10/2012)"

"For most people, being reflective means spending hours in front of a mirror. (#518 – 12/2012)"

"We can fix America's plummeting test scores in math if we all just give 110 percent. (#519 – 02/2013)"

"Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#520 – 04/2013)"

"No matter how sensible gun legislation is, it always seems to get shotdown. (#521 – 06/2013)"

"The sooner you figure out that looks can only get you so far in life, the uglier you probably are. (#522 – 09/2013)"

"If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (#523 – 10/2013)"

"Most people simply repeat whatever they hear. You can quote me on that. (#524 – 12/2013)"

"Constantly looking at your smartphone can really make you look stupid. (#525 – 01/2014)"

"Whoever said times heals all wounds was probably never beheaded. (#526 – 04/2014)"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away — but only if you throw it really hard. (#527 – 06/2014)"

"Skinny jeans should only be worn by people with skinny genes. (#528 – 08/2014)"

"These days, you'd have to be crazy to run for political office — and that pretty much explains everything. (#529 – 10/2014)"

"People try to throw money at all of their problems — except their debts. (#530 – 12/2014)"

"Nowadays, "junk" mail refers to when some guy sends you an unwanted sext. (#531 – 02/2015)"

"Flattery can get you far in life — but you're so smart, you probably already knew that. (#532 – 04/2015)"

"Lawyers spend three years trying to pass the bar — and the rest of their careers lowering it. (#533 – 06/2015)"

"Cheating on your diet is a piece of cake — and vice versa. (#534 – 08/2015)"

"Even though America has a two-party system, it's still nothing to celebrate. (#535 – 10/2015)"

"Our country's colleges are making sure that jobs stay in America — one loan officer at a time. (#536 – 12/2015)"

"When people get a taste of their own medicine, it usually makes them sick. (#537 – 02/2016)"

"Too many skinny dippers concentrate only on the dipping, and not enough on the skinny. (#538 – 04/2016)"

"Most of the talk around the water cooler is about how it's the only water that's safe to drink. (#539 – 06/2016)"

"Just because someone has a trophy wife doesn't mean they're not a loser. (#540 – 08/2016)"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away — especially if you nail him in the solar plexus. (#541 – 10/2016)"

"Throwing in your two cents may end up costing you. (#542 – 12/2016)"

"There's no "I" in "team" — but how many athletes these days can even spell? (#543 – 02/2017)"