"Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."

"Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be."

"I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times."

"Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?"

"Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!"

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive."

"Write that down."

"Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy..."

"I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's."

"Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to."

"Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards."

"You must be Pre-Med Dick."

"All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story."

"Don't be a fool, wrap your tool."

"Don't be a fool, stay in school."

"Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."

"And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born."

"Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks."

"Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super."

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere."

"It was the Deltas against the rules... the rules lost!"

"Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?"

"Sarah Holcomb - Clorette De Pasto"

"Donald Sutherland - Professor Dave Jennings"

"Kevin Bacon - Chip Diller"

"Verna Bloom - Marion Wormer"

"James Widdoes - Robert Hoover"

"Martha Smith - Barbara 'Babs' Jansen"

"Mary Louise Weller - Mandy Pepperidge"

"Cesare Danova - Mayor Carmine De Pasto"

"Bruce McGill - Daniel Simpson 'D-Day' Day"

"Stephen Furst - Kent 'Flounder' Dorfman"

"Mark Metcalf - Douglas C. Neidermeyer"

"James Daughton - Greg Marmalard"

"Tom Hulce - Larry 'Pinto' Kroger"

"Karen Allen - Katy"

"John Vernon - Dean Vernon Wormer"

"Peter Riegert - Donald 'Boon' Schoenstein"

"Tim Matheson - Eric 'Otter' Stratton"

"John Belushi - John 'Bluto' Blutarsky"

"Animal House is an Educational Film!"

"Guess Who's Back?"

"Relive the best 7 years of your college education."

"We can do anything we want. We're college students!"

"[Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So, what does this Vivian got that you don't got - three tits?"