"[singing] Every since I was a little boy, dressing up has always been my greatest joy. But when it's time to be discreet, there's one thing you just can't beat and that's a strapless, backless classical little black dress."

"Everyone loves the girl next door, particularly Farley."

"HE!!?? How dare this person take advantage of my weakness."

"Does he do that often? ... Good! Well there's still hope. Lots of hope."

"[singing] You need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/Get you jumpin' like a real live wire/Need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/So look out, mister, don't you blow your last resistor for a vista that'll mystify ya!"

"[singing] Dear blender/Now, won't you help a first offender?/Oh, toaster/Don't you put the burn on me/Refrigerator/Why are we always sooner or later/Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night?"

"Coming from a gourmet, that's praise indeed. But, secrets!"

"The question is, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly, he hates you."

"I just love home movies, don't you?"

"First and foremost, Farley Flavors' fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future."

"I'll leave you young things to it."

"Now, you see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish is the same way we're going to put the rest of our house in order! Including... the upstairs!"

"The quacks are willing tools?"

"And here she is! Denton's own, America's pride, Janet, the sensation of the planet."

"I better get going. Tomorrow's the big one, and, well, Farley expects!"

"Well, Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly... Monetary inducements... Seduction... Prejudice... And lies!"

"Betty, it's imperative we get Janet out of Flavors' fast fingers and Brad out of that hell-hole before they both disappear forever. If only I could place that name -- McKinley?"

"This could be worse than the old series."

"[singing] You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science. Your condition is critically grave, but don't expect mercy from such an alliance. Suspicion of tradition's so new wave."

"Shut up, Emily, and listen to a success story."

"Yeah! Well, I just got word Farley's expecting her any minute. You Guys!! Get yer asses in front of those cameras, warm up that crowd and earn yourselves a reputation. Okay? Move!!!"

"[singing] Faggots are maggots, thank God I'm a man."

"Sign the contract tomorrow... That way, you get the first day free."

"Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery, I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me."

"No! I don't know what Janet's next move will be...but you can be sure of one thing...it all starts here!"

"I never had the time to have a nervous breakdown."

"Alimony is just another word for rape."

"Oh, no, just a routine checkup."

"Do you have any friends? ... You won't have soon."

"[singing] Well...! First you go rip, rip, rip/Then you go snip, snip, snip/Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip/And split it up to the hip, hip, hip/And as you strip, strip, strip/You quiver and shiver for that soft caress/As you slip, slip, slip/Into that little black dress."

"Time's tight, Janet. Do it right, Janet. Until tomorrow night, Janet?"

"[singing] I'm gonna shoot for the moon/I'm gonna play high noon/I'm gonna take on the entire human race/You're not looking at a king/You're looking at an ace!"

"[singing] Well, the best thing you could ever do is die!"

"[singing] You lost your baby when you lost your balls/You lost your mind when you lost your grip, so say bye-bye!"

"Oh, Ralph? ... Shove it!"

"Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind! Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde."

"Look at that, Bert Schnik's dancing! Bert can see!"

"Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it."

"Oh my God, character actors!"

"Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor. As a matter of fact... "It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three. By thy long gray beard and glittering eye, now wherefore stop'st thou me?""

"I detect a note of reticence. Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?"

"[to Macy Struthers] Who loves YOU, baby?"

"But the false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset."

"[singing] I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself. I've been a cynic for too many years. Playing doctor and nurse, it can be good for your health. I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers."

"[To Farley] I'm as sane as you are! Saner!"

"The subject is committed. As are we all."

"Hey, folks, it's Ricky from the Rest Home!"

"[pouring pills down Brad's throat] Amateurs!"