"[Opening narration] WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're about to see."

"[After returning the smashed up car] But I returned it with a full tank of gas."

"[After Steve-O does the butt chug] He's peeing like a girl!"

"Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!"

"Spike Jonze as Self/Gloria"

"It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud."

"Jess Margera as Self"

"Brandon DiCamillo as Self"

"Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity."

"[After getting fired out of a street sewer in a devil costume in DTLA] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever..."

"April Margera as Self"

"Mat Hoffman as Self"

"Dave England as Self"

"Ehren McGhehey as Self"

"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!"

"Tony Hawk as Self"

"[After Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense."

"[After Matt Hoffman attempts to launch over a ditch, imagined as the "English Channel" on his bicycle] He didn't even make it to Germany!"

"Phil Margera as Self"

"Chris Pontius as Self"

"Ryan Dunn as Self"

"I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie."

"[After drinking the horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself."

"Steve-O as Self"

"Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña as Self"

"Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing."

"Johnny Knoxville as Self/Irving Zisman"

"Preston Lacy as Self"

"Mark Zupan as Self"

"Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass."

"Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge."

"Bam Margera as Self"

"[Holds up two dollar bills, referring to Dave England] I'm gonna pay this motherfucker right here... two hundred smackaroos... it's not counterfeit, it's real... to eat horse shit!"

"[To Dave England] Swallow, swallow it nigga!"

"[After completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again."

"I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait! It's like a dream come true!"

"Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speed. That's what happened."

"[After seeing Bam's gluteus brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!"

"What? I can't hear... kinda."

"There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?"

"[Lance is laughing hysterically] I think we broke Lance!"

"Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!"

"[After sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you."

"[Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Argh...! [Jumps of off the stool] No, [repeatedly] I don't fucking like that dude...! That fucking hurts, dude!"

"It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude."

"Ow...! Ah...! My ass hurts so fucking bad!"

"It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls, and they're heavy as shit!"

"[Referring to proceed with a boxing match with Naoko Kumagai, a female Japanese kickboxer] I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl."