"[after just witnessing the blinding light] Well I'll be hornswaggled! Did you see that little ole sky doggy zip down there, Pooh? [Looks at his comic]] Haley's Comet! And it's landed in our backyard! [Excitedly runs into his house to get his shovel, axe, and pick]] This is out lucky day! We gonna be rich! Pooh, we gonna be rich! Thousands of people are comin'! Gonna have hot dogs and helicopters and airplanes and tacos! This is our lucky day! Pooh, we gonna be rich!"

"Charles Chiodo - 'Klownzilla' the King Klown"

"Christopher Titus - Bob McReed"

"Royal Dano - Farmer Gene Green"

"Peter Licassi - Paul Terenzi"

"Michael Siegel - Rich Terenzi"

"John Vernon - Curtis Mooney"

"John Allen Nelson - Dave Hanson"

"Suzanne Snyder - Debbie Stone"

"Grant Cramer - Mike Tobacco"

"(from trailer) Killer Klowns From Outer Space...It's Crazy!"

"Big Top...Big Shoes...Big Teeth!!"

"Horrific Harlequins With An Appetite For Close Encounters!"

"Alien Bozos With An Appetite For Close Encounters."

"In Space, No One Can Eat Ice Cream!"

"Debbie Stone: Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again!"

"Paul Terenzi: [as Jo-Jo The Ice Cream Clown] I'm Jo-Jo the ice cream clown with the bestest ice cream in town! We'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream! ice cream! We brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-Wicies, Fudgy-Wudgy bars. And everyone's frozen delight, the Lick-a-Stick!"

"Amusement Park Guard: What are ya gonna do with those pies, boys?"

"I'm supposed to read you your rights. But you're in Mooney's jail, and you ain't got no rights!"

"I made it through Korea I can make it through this bullshit!"

"They took your wife away in a balloon? Well you don't need the police, pal, you need a psychiatrist!"

"[Discovering Pooh has been dognapped] What in tarnation is going on here! Where's my dog?! Where's my Pooh Bear?! I'LL TEAR THIS THING APART WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!"

"[Encountering the Big Top] Well I'll be greased and fried! What in blue blazes is the circus doing here in these parts? I love the circus! Come on! Maybe we can get some free passes. [Noticing the purple lights on the tent's cables] I've never seen one that looked like this 'un before. Well... I don't know Pooh, you know there's something kinda peculiar around here. Where is everybody? There's nobody around. Where's the dang ticket booth? [A shadow from inside the tent follows them] How are we supposed to get in and see the show?"

"Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace"

"Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D."

"Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci"

"Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director"

"Tracey Walter - Clarence"

"Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda"

"Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber"

"Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly"

"William Fichtner - Phil Dearly"

"Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone"

"Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash"

"Bette Midler - Mona Dearly"

"Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash"

"Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number."

"The death of Mona Dearly wasn't so much a whodunnit, as a who didn't."

"1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'."

"Lt. Feege Gruber: They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak."

"Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute."

"I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit."

"[to Bobby and Jeff, regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ? [laughs] Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?"

"[singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!"

"I was a battered husband."

"Don't kiss the dogs ass!"