"There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death. [demonstrates on a volunteer, then realizes what he's done] Shit! I need another volunteer!"

"Killing my first man was like making love to my first woman."

"Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast.""

"You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'."

"You're kind of cute... in a homely sort of way."

"Very good Chuck. I am pleasantly surprised, you're not like the other murderers."

"Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company."

"I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator."

"My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. [types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]"

"I'm not killing people... my future's in television."

"Life was sweet... For a minute."

"Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms."

"I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him."

"When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit."

"When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment."

"This glue is for sticking my submarines, not for sticking up your fucking noses! Don't think I don't notice, cos I do. Buy your own fucking glue!"

"Ronnie Williams - Mr. Mort"

"Buddug Williams - Mrs. Mort"

"Morgan Hopkins - Chip Roberts"

"Brian Hibbard - Dai Rhys"

"Adie, driving cars that don't belong to them, at 90 miles an hour, on the wrong side of the road, is just starting to take the fucking piss!"

"Sue Roderick - Lucy Cartwright"

"Jenny Evans - Bonny Cartwright"

"William Thomas - Bryn Cartwright"

"Dorien Thomas - Greyo"

"Here's 20 nicker, now go buy yourselves a nice big tin of sticky-sticky and fuck off back to Noddyland!"

"I built this club up from nothing, and I fucking loves it!"

"Dougray Scott - Terry Walsh"

"Di Botche - Jean Lewis"

"Rachel Scorgie - Adie Lewis"

"Huw Ceredig - Fatty Lewis"

"Rhys Ifans - Jeremy Lewis"

"Llŷr Ifans (cred. Llyr Evans) - Julian Lewis"

"Welcome to ugly lovely town"

"An extreme comedy."

"Rugby. Tom Jones. Male Voice Choirs. Shirley Bassey. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogch. Snowdonia. Prince of Wales. Anthony Hopkins. Daffodils. Sheep. Sheep Lovers. Coal. Slate Quarries. The Blaenau Ffestiniog Dinkey-Doo Miniature Railway. Now If That's Your Idea Of Thousands Of Years Of Welsh Culture, You Can't Blame Us For Trying To Liven The Place Up A Little Can You?"

"You're an iffy copper that does a little bit a this, a little bit a that, but knows where to draw the thin blue line right fuckin' wrong, don't ya, Greyo?"

"(Last lines. Helen and Madeleine shatter into pieces after falling down stairs) Do you remember where you parked the car?"

"Isabella Rossellini - Lisle Von Rhoman"

"Bruce Willis — Dr. Ernest Menville"

"Meryl Streep — Madeline Ashton"

"Goldie Hawn — Helen Sharp"

"In one small bottle... The fountain of youth. The secret of eternal life. The power of an ancient potion. Sometimes it works... sometimes it doesn't."

"Some people will go to any lengths to stay young forever. But Madeline Ashton and her old friend Helen Sharp are about to go TOO far."

"This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay."

"Make some room for my friend, for Christ's sake. But... keep your ass handy."

"En garde, BITCH!"

"Divorce? In California? That is exactly what she wants you to do. You have no talent for poverty."

"(while confronting Ernest Menville) No Ernest, she has wasted you, she married a brilliant surgeon and turned him into an undertaker. I want you to know something, I have never blamed you for leaving me. I always knew it was her. She is a woman, Ernest, a woman, from Newark, for God's sake. I will never forgive her for what she has done to you. Never."