""To be perfectly honest with you, ABC picks you to do this and then the machine goes into action and you shoot promos. But I'm still sitting in my bedroom at home going, 'Jeez, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.' And it's a weird situation to be in. And I guess we'll all find out."

"I don't believe that lack of intelligence and appreciation for lowbrow comedy go hand-in-hand necessarily."

"I'm excited, but I am also realistic. I have seen what happened to the people who came before me and failed. It's an unforgiving arena to be in."

"We wanted to figure out a way to get crank phone calls on television. Watching someone on TV talking on a phone isn't that entertaining, and obviously we couldn't send a camera crew around to the people getting the calls, so it was limited to either animation or puppets. And puppets seemed halfway between cartoons and people, so that seemed like the most real way that we could do it."

"We use puppets because they can get away with more."

"We're going to give men what they really want to see on TV. Monkeys, midgets, beer drinking and women jumping on trampolines."

"I believe that David Letterman is the greatest talk show host that ever hosted a talk show. He'd be the last person to say that and he'd probably be horrified to hear that, but I really do believe that. Anything I do, I feel, is a pale imitation at best of what he does. I just try to do whatever I can not to imitate him, because that is the inclination when you idolize somebody, when you watch the show every night growing up as a kid."

"I'm on the Internet a lot more than I watch TV and most everybody I know is, and yet if you watch most late-night talk shows, it's as if it doesn't even exist. So the Internet, it's just something I wanted to make use of in some way. I was fascinated by what appeared to be a child singing this song. It just struck me as funny."

"There's something comforting and pleasurable about watching people win money."

"Though it makes me sick to do so without my writers, there are more than a hundred people whose financial well-being depends on our show. It is time to go back to work."

"I've got seven MAC-11s, about eight .38s, nine 9s, ten MAC-10s. The shits never end, you can't touch my riches. Even if you have MC Hammer and them 3-5-7 bitches."

"Celebrate my escape, sold the Glock, bought some weight. Laid back, I got some money to make. Motherfucker!"

"You're just mad 'cause I got my dick sucked, and my balls licked."

"Never get high on your own supply."

"Is Brooklyn in the house? Without a doubt, I'm the rapper with clout everybody yap about."

"When I die? Fuck it, I wanna go to hell, 'cause I'm a piece of shit. It ain't hard to fuckin' tell."

"Black and ugly as ever, however I stay Gucci down to the socks, rings and watch filled with Rocks."

"Fuck a holster, got the MAC-11 swingin' from my shoulder."

"Lyrically I'm untouchable, uncrushable. Getting mad blunted in the S-500."

"Kick in the door, waving the .44. All you heard was: "Poppa, don't hit me no more.""

"B-I-G P-O-P-P-A; no info for the DEA."

"Who the fuck is this? Pagin' me at 5:46 in the morning. Crack of dawnin'. Now I'm yawnin', wipe the cold out my eye. See who's this pagin' me, and why?"

"Goodness Gracious The Paper! Where the Cash at? Where the Stash at?"

"I only got beef with those that violate me; I shall annihilate thee."

"I kind of realized how powerful Tupac and I was (you know what I'm saying?) because Pac is a strong dude, I know dude. (You know what I'm saying?) We two ind"

"I'm going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali."

"I love it when you call me Big Poppa; throw your hands in the air if you's a true player."

"Forget the telly, we just go to the crib, watch a movie in the Jacuzzi and smoke Ls while you do me."

"[A]nd if you don't know? Now you know, nigga."

"Representing the best of East Coast rap, Christopher Wallace, otherwise known as The Notorious B.I.G. or Biggie Smalls, is one of the most influential and acclaimed rappers in history. The New York based rapper has written some of the genre’s most well-respected albums and singles such as “Juicy,” “Big Poppa” and “Mo Money Mo Problems” among others. Wallace’s unique beats and rap flow often undermined the violent lyrical themes he showcased in his songwriting, though it was seen as a new and unprecedented approach to the gangsta rap genre at the time."

"C4 to your door, no beef no more."

"There's gonna' be a lotta slow singin' and flower bringin' if my burglar alarm starts ringin'."

"It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine. Salt-n-Peppa, Heavy D up in tha limousine. Hangin' pictures on my wall, every Saturday rap attack, Mr. Magic Marley Marl. I let my tape rock till my tape pop, smoking weed and bamboo, sippin' on Private Stock. Way back, when I had the red-and-black lumberjack, with the hat to match. Remember Rappin' Duke? Duh-ha duh-ha, you never thought that hip hop would take it this far. Now I'm in the limelight 'cause I rhyme tight. Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade! Born sinner, the opposite of a winner. Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner."

"Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis. When I was dead broke, man, I couldn't picture this."

"Peace to Ron G, Brucy B, Kid Capri, Funkmaster Flex, Lovebug Starsky."

"Birthdays was the worst days; now we sip champagne when we're thirsty."

"I'm blowin' up like you thought I would, call the crib up, same number same hood, its all good."

"Damn right I like the life I live, 'cause I went from negative to positive."

"I made a change from a common thief, to up-close and personal with Robin Leach, and I'm far from cheap. I smoke skunk with my peeps all day, spread love it's the Brooklyn way. The moet and alize keeps me pissy. Girls used to diss me, now they write letters cuz they miss me. I never thought it could happen this rapping stuff. I was too used to packing gats and stuff. Now honeys play me close like butter played toast, from the Mississippi down to the East Coast. Condos in queens, indoor for weeks. sold out seats to hear Biggy Smalls speak. Living life without fear, putting 5 carats in my baby girls ears. Lunchies, brunchies. Interviews by the pool, considered a fool 'cause I dropped out of high school. Stereotypes of a black male misunderstood and it's still all good."

"I took over the Moran and Mack spot and wowed them. The theater owner's report to the booker of the entire circuit was a glowing review. A week later I was booked on a bigger circuit. I kept working and polishing my act until the GIANT door opened for me and there was the big time ... the Palace Theater [sic] on Broadway. P.S. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

"I think that anyone who is full of life loves repetition. For example, a child. You put a child on your knee and tell the child a story, the child will say, "Do it again." You blow smoke through your nose or through your ears, and the child will say, "Do it again." And God is full of life, and every morning He says to the sun, "Do it again," and every evening He says to the moon and stars, "Do it again," and every time a child is born into the world, He asks for a divine encore and says, "Do it again." And, Milton, for sixty years you've entertained us, and you've made us laugh, and we say to you, "Milton, do it again.""

"Fulton J. Sheen, October 13, 1973, addressing a banquet commemorating Berle's 60th year in show business; as quoted in Milton Berle: An Autobiography (1974), p. 325"

"All I can say is at 82, if I had it to live over again, I'd live it the same, sweet — or not so sweet — way. At 82, I feel like a 20-year-old. But unfortunately, there's never one around."

"I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d!ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat- @ss, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh!t he is!"

"We're kicking off our own fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the Winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols."

"Medium talent."

"[Chevy falls down, and gets up]LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"

"It was my understanding that there would be no math."

"I'm Chevy Chase - and you're not."

"Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter."