Actors From England

"Do not blame others for your own mistakes. … YOU are Mother Nature. You have the power within you to be thin or fat, as you desire. … God is within you, and you can do and have anything you want. You must love yourself more. … and then … you can love your fellow man."

"I do! I don't remember ever saying it in a movie, but now, every once in a while when I'm with friends, I say, "Judeeee, Judeeee, Judeeee," and everyone breaks up. Isn't that a good imitation of an imitation of an imitator?"

"My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between times, I occupy myself as best I can."

"I often think my life has been a failure. But whenever I drop into a theater and hear women laugh at one of my films, I think, well, if I brightened their day before they went home and did the dishes, maybe my life wasn't wasted, after all."

"I really am a happy, amusing fellow at heart. Trouble is I seem the only one left."

"Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant. I have spent the greater part of my life fluctuating between Archie Leach and Cary Grant; unsure of either, suspecting each. I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me."

"On The Awful Truth we just clicked. She'd been a weepie star and comedy was strange to her. She'd do a bit and whisper to me, "Funny?" She was the sweetest smelling of my leading ladies and such a lady. If one of the crew cussed, she'd blush. She claims she was out shopping at Bullocks for a present for her husband and the saleslady said, "I don't think Mr. Grant would like that." In the minds of the public, we were married. Reunions became impossible because we both liked first billing. It's ladies first in rowboats but not in movies, I'm afraid. But I still see her at the races and she still smells wonderful, although it's not ."

"I suppose you might call me the sophisticated type. I like to act with dialogue. Not with grunts."

"The film I most cared about was a flop. None But the Lonely Heart was the only time I played a character very near myself, a man unsure of himself, a drifter, a rake."

"I’m prepared. I have a gun and I know how to shoot, and whoever comes calling without an invitation will get it in the rear end."

"Thank you to every American who has not sued me so far."

"The moment I appeared the crowd started jeering and booing and shouting ‘faggot’ and spitting, I had hired a bodyguard and when the jeering started I turned to see where the bodyguard was, I could just see the back of his head as he was running out of the stadium."

"In Kazakhstan the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis."

"Is that a real country?"

"With all respect, why do you give crap countries a vote?"

"I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America, but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian."

"Does this country really exist?"

"I is here standing outside the United Nations of Benetton. Which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end wars, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh."

"I is here with the geezer who was the Secretary-General of the United Nations. His name be none other than my man, Boutros Boutros Boutros-Ghali."

"War! Huh? What is it good for? Well, for start? It sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries. Also, you get to see some amazing explosions. But, there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the war, but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else. And those chickens is called the 'U.N.' Me went to New York to meet these player-haters."

"Which is the funniest language? It's French, isn't it?"

"Is it named after Michael Jordan?"

"Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be fucking delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em."

"Luv can we off off, not off off but fuck off."

"They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV..."

"People tell me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you." You know what I say to that? "Fuck off.""

"Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pit bull with a ribbon 'round his head, going "If you say one fucking word...""

"The post is all messed up! Remember when it was so easy? You posted a letter, the post office just went woof, and it was away. Not now, they're all differant companies. It's like Parcel Force! Parcel Force? "PARCEL FORCE! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! PARCEL FORCE! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! WE WILL GET THIS PACKAGE TO YOU!" Fuck off!"

"What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well, they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some bloke's covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in, they're like that: "Grrr, GAAAH, FUCKING-" [imitates chopping motions] Soon as you walk in they're, like, "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van, the freezer lorry? They get out a side of cow. Where's the other side? Is there, like, a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing?"

"Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutan's bollocks. I dunno, I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!... Bird's arse, ya know!"

"In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!""

"You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?"

"All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your room!" And you're, like, [high-pitched voice] "Nah! Fucking nah, Dad! [imitates smoking] Things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse."

"My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

"I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!""

"Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [heroic American accent] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A LOO IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS.""

"Someone walked up to me the other day and went "Excuse me... Can you show me where the station is, please?" I said "Yes, officer, if you just...""

"[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!""

"TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself prepared and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!""

"I was thinking to myself out there — well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you?"

"I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!""

"They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be. like, "What you doin' down 'ere? What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?" And they'll get a bit of meat on a stick and go "Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!" And they’ll go "Oh, is that for me?" [pretends to shove meat in shark’s mouth] "You fuckin’...""

"This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!""

"Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun!"

"My wife, she is a beautiful woman, but in labour she turned into fucking Jack Nicholson from The Shining. "You. You fucking did this to me!" "But I thought it was a shared experience" "No. You fucking did this!""

"The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that...""

"We don't get telly round our way, sir"! "Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do"… "No, we all came on the same coach, sir"… "Norwich, that's us, sir." There's a bloke on the fifth row going "You're gonna die now, sir, you are!"

"It's like unison, "Welcome to speech therapy, all together!"..."NAOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!""

"I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!"

"You ever get lost with your wife in the car? You're completely lost, and they always say the same thing: "Oh, let's just go home. WE'RE FUCKING LOST!" "What, did you throw bread out the fucking window?""