"P.A. Announcement: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop—a popli—a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft."

"Ho-Jon: Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent."

"How do ya like them apples, Charlie?"

"Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!"

"[to Brigadier General Charlie Hammond] Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform."

"[to Henry] This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!"

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Oh, kiss my hot lips!"

"[to Hawkeye] I like to think of the army as my home."

"[During football game] All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!"

"I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy."

"If a man isn't a man anymore . . . what's he got left that he should be living for?"

"Take care of the squirrels."

"[Watching Frank Burns leave] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?"

"Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault."

"Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way."

"Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh, about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen."

"[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf."

"No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now."

"It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick."

"Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy."

"Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic."

"[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy."

"Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before."

"Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?"

"[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown."

"Marvin Miller as PA Announcer"

"Bobby Troup as Staff Sergeant Gorman"

"Dale Ishimoto as Korean doctor"

"Kim Atwood as Ho-Jon"

"G. Wood as Brigadier General Charles Hartington Hammond"

"Bud Cort as Private Warren Boone"

"[reference to Damon's last line in Rounders] It is not a prop for prop's sake!"

"Jerry Weintraub - Denny Shields"

"Andy Garcia - Terry Benedict"

"David Paymer - The V.U.P."

"Julian Sands - Greco Montgomery"

"Ellen Barkin - Abigail Sponder"

"Michael Mantell - Dr. Stan"

"Eddie Izzard - Roman Nagel"

"Carl Reiner - Saul Bloom/Kensington Chub"

"Shaobo Qin - Yen/Mr. Weng"

"Scott Caan - Turk Malloy"

"Eddie Jemison - Livingston Dell"