"I usually sleep in churches, you know, in the confessionals. They lock all the churches up at night now because of all the thieves and they never check the confessionals. Saturday nights are the only problem, and nights that are holy days because of early masses the next day. And Lent, shit, forget it, I gotta hang in synagogues then, and it's just not the same thing if you know what I mean."

"It was then that I realized that she was using her rosary as a tool of erotic pleasure! She made me get into a kneeling position. My head was spinning. And all at once, she inserted her rosary into one of my most private parts!"

"I was in agony! I had been raped before but never in such an unnatural and brutal way!"

"If it wasn't for me you'd still be back in Boston doing poodle-nappings from those old bitches."

"Ricky! Ricky! Bring me something strong, something I can get off on!"

"[going through someone else's wallet] What ugly children they have!"

"Yes folks, this isn't any cheap X-rated movie or any 5th rate porno play, this is the show you want! Lady Divine's cavalcade of perversions, the sleaziest show on earth! Not actors, not paid impostors, but real actual filth who have been carefully screened in order to present to you the most flagrant violation of natural law known to man! These assorted sluts, fags, dykes and pimps know no bounds! They have commited acts against God and nature, acts that by their mere existence would make any decent person recoil in disgust!"

"[Seeing Harold and Kumar in custody] North Korea and Al Qaeda working together. This is bigger than I thought."

"You guys wanna know something real fucked up and awesome that I did? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!"

"His dick smells like shit dude!"

"Dude, this chick is giving me such a boner. Its awesome!"

"You fucking pissed on me, you racist fuck!"

"Its not a bomb, its a bong"

"Ugh, smells like burnt asshole."

"Meet the smokeless bong"

"Dude, whats a blumpkin?"

"[Reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sum, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed."

"Jesus, Kumar. I don't like it so much."

"[Dressed in KKK clothes after coming to a KKK barbeque and was asked to say 1 racist thing you did in the week] I did knee an Indian guy in the balls."

"Oh, yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!"

"Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!"

"[Discovers that Kumar has brought weed on the airplane] You brought weed on the fucking airplane?!"

"It's not that Guantánamo Bay itself is funny, but it's utterly ridiculous for Harold and Kumar to be thrown in there."

"Our top priority was to make people laugh, but the secondary priority is that there's something a little smarter below the surface. I guess in a certain way it's our reaction to post-9/11 paranoia."

"What in the nigger was that?"

"[Last words] It's okay, guys. It's all over now. Everything's gonna be alright–"

"Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! You think that just because I'm smart, you can treat me like some dork in gym class? It's obvious these kids are innocent, but you're too dumb to realize that. You know, it's people like you who make the world think that Americans are stupid! WELL, WE'RE NOT STUPID!!! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!"

"[Last words] FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!"

"Derek, could I get another water– [Sees Harold and Kumar getting ready to jump out of the cargo plane] WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! Zip it, Hello Kitty, okay? I know your operation's funded through drugs."

"[opening monologue] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh… So that’s, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach. Strengthening the... AH! A lot of guys ignore the laugh and that's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny? No response, BTW, from the League, yet. But my application is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor--that's got to have some weight. So… fingers crossed! ...E-mails! [leafs through pieces of paper] 2Sly4U writes: "Hey Genius." Wow, sarcasm! That's original! [realizes he said that sarcastically] "Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your Transmatter Ray? Obviously, it failed or it would be in the papers." Well, no. They're not gonna say anything in the press, but behold! Transported from there... [holds up a ZipLock bag full of mud-colored liquid] ...to here! The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter, uh, event. But they were transported in bar form and they clearly were-- And by the way, it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it. I’m gonna... [puts the bag away] Smells like cumin. So, transmatter is seventy-five percent, and more importantly, the Freeze Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time. Freeze Ray. Tell your friends. [continues reading] We have... Oh! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow: "Doctor Horrible, I see you are once again afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for forty-five minutes--" Okay, dude. You're not my nemesis. My nemesis... is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate Tool. Dislocated my shoulder... again... last week. Look, I'm just trying to change the world, okay? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poseur in a parka. Besides there's kids in that park, so... Here's one from DeadNotSleeping: "Long time watcher, first time writing" blah, blah, blah, blah. "You always say in your blogs that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true villain'. Who is 'her' and does she even know that you’re a..." [sings "My Freeze Ray"]"

"Neil Patrick Harris - Dr. Horrible / Billy"

"Penny: [last words] It's okay... Captain Hammer will save us."

"Mayor Hankins: Justice has a name, and the name it has... besides "justice"... is Captain Hammer!"

"Moist: Do you need anything dampened, or... made soggy?"

"[after Dr. Horrible's death ray explodes] Oh, I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like! Oh, mama! Someone maternal! Get outta my way! I gotta get out! Why is this fire exit locked?!"

"I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell."

"[Reading from palm cards] I hate the homeless-- [switches card] --ness problem that plagues this city. Everyone should have the basic... You know what, I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend, Penny. Wave your hand, Penny. [Penny waves] There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway, she turned me on to this whole homeless... thing, which is terrible. And I realized, I'm not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting. [sings "Everyone's A Hero"]"

"[after his freeze ray fails] Thaaat's not a good sound."

"[clears throat awkwardly] Theee Freeze Ray needs work. I also need to be a little bit more careful about what I say on this blog. Apparently, the LAPD and Captain Hammer are among our viewers. They were waiting for me at the Mayor's dedication to the Superhero Memorial Bridge, the Freeze Ray takes a few seconds to warm up, and I wasn't... Captain Hammer threw a car at my head."

"[to himself after talking to Penny] She talked to me. Why'd she talk to me now?"

"All right! The wait is over. This, my friends, is my Freeze Ray, which, with the addition of the wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful heist last week. I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It was less successful in that I inadvertently introduced my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now he's taking her out on dates, and they're probably going to...French kiss or something...! She called him sweet? How is he sweet? [long pause] Right, Freeze Ray! So, after tonight I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan, which it will, because I hold a PhD in horribleness. See you at the aftermath. Peace! But... not literally."

"Simon Helberg - Moist"

"Felicia Day - Penny"

"Nathan Fillion - Captain Hammer"

"We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."

"Madeleine Sami - Tanya"

"Teuila Blakely - Leilani"

"David Van Horn - Derek"