"[Reading a profile on Smith] National sports pistol champion at age 10. Recruited by the army. Then he disappeared. Sound like black ops got him and trained him."

"(On a cell phone, while aiming a gun at Smith) I can't talk right now, honey. I'm right in the middle of something."

"Oh, c'mon, Smith. Guns don't kill people... [grins] but they sure help!"

"(upon seeing he ran over a robotic decoy of Oliver) What in the hell is that? Oh, my God, that is twisted. That sick son of a bitch. That sick son of a bitch suckered us again!"

"My God. Do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?"

"Does anyone know what a Jimmy Cagney love scene is? It's when Cagney lets the good guy live. [lobby of henchmen laugh] And if that happens in this show, I'm gonna do a lot more than ask for my money back."

"I was just remembering a limerick. "There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat. She said it was fun in the breeding, but found it was hell in the feeding when she saw there was no tit for Tat." You have caused me no end of trouble, but now I shall return the favor. Tit for tat, right?"

"Jason Reso - Senator's Guard"

"Julian Richings - Hertz's Driver"

"Let me guess: You are Dick Steele. Agent WD-40 and with the Secret Service. You are 52. You like big screen TVs and you wish to stop General Rancor."

"Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is: Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying: "I'm a hamster. I'm a hamster." That's crazy."

"Dick, this is crazy."

"Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor."

"I'm Bud Fudlacker. I have a small mail order business. I travel with the American Gladiators. I'm 55. I like small appliances, and I do tax accounting on the side."

"This is a picture of my father. If we get separated, find him. Save him."

"Here's to your remarkable powers of observation, Mr. Steele. I am agent 3.14. Veronique Ukrinsky. My father is the professor."

"Kyle Gass — Bar Guy"

"Neil Diamond — Himself"

"Amanda Detmer — Sandy Perkus-Silverman, Darren’s wife"

"R. Lee Ermey — Coach Norton, J.D.’s husband"

"Amanda Peet — Judith Fessbeggler-Lefessier, Wayne’s wife"

"Jack Black — J.D. McNugent"

"Steve Zahn — Wayne Lefessier"

"Jason Biggs — Darren Silverman"

"They've sworn to save Silverman."

"They swore nothing would come between them. Then evil walked in the door"

"[To the armless Rancor] I'd shake your hand, but I don't remember where it landed."

"2 Best Friends + 1 Girlfriend = WAR"

"From the director of "Big Daddy"."

"They swore nothing could come between them. Then she came along."

"There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified."

"Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky. Young lady, so horny, so impatient...Oh, scrotum!"

"[arm wrestling with Wayne] You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator. My guess is three times a day? I bet you're a premature ejaculator. You start off with a big bang. Before you know it, you're limp. [wins the match] I win, you lose. Now get out."

"I brought you some more videos. You got your choice: porn or monster trucks. And I got one that's both."

"Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho."