"Cesar's Garden Trainer: [Talking to Cesar right before his big fight in Madison Square Garden against Velario] Cesar, listen up. These next 36 minutes is gonna' change the rest of your life. If you've ever listened, you'll listen now. You understand that? We've prepared for this. This guy is older than you. He's not as young as you. He can't stay twelve rounds. But one thing he CAN do is he can think. And he can set you up..."

"I am an atheist, thank God!"

"One of the ugliest bitches I've ever seen in my life rolled up, and I'm not one to call women ugly, but I think this woman was, because she had a penis."

"Paul Rudd - Kevin"

"Christina Ricci - Val"

"Martha Plimpton - Monica"

"Nicole Ari Parker - Bridget"

"Jay Mohr - Jack"

"Brian McCardie - Eric"

"Courtney Love - Lucy"

"Catherine Kellner - Hillary"

"Kate Hudson - Cindy"

"Gaby Hoffmann - Stephie"

"Janeane Garofalo - Ellie"

"Angela Featherstone - Caitlyn"

"Guillermo Díaz - Dave"

"Elvis Costello - Himself"

"Dave Chappelle - Disco Cabbie"

"Caleb Carr - Cynical Bar Patron"

"Casey Affleck - Tom"

"Ben Affleck - Bartender"

"It's 11:59 on New Year's Eve. Do you know where your date is?"

"If you remember anything that I tell you, remember this: James Brown is the baddest motherfucker in show business."

"Everybody's having fun out here. They drinking, they fighting, they pissing on the streets. It's New Year's Eve. They loving the ladies."

"Those clothes and my clothes would look good on my floor."

"And I'm not gay, okay? I get that all the time. No, I'm not gay."

"So, how do you like your eggs done in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?"

"Throwing a party it's like... it's like an invitation for abuse. It's like the last desperate act of someone who hasn't had a lasting relationship since Junior High."

"You let somebody move in with you, you make all these little compromises to smooth things along, and the next thing you know, you're on some macrobiotic diet and you're listening to Joni Mitchell."

"Did you know that cigarettes are a shield against meaningful interaction with people?"

"You bring me over here, and you tell me I'm the worst lover you ever had. And now you tell me it can't be helped."

"I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men to know that you are all just a pack of roving babies in search of a giant teat from which to suck the lifeblood out of me until I am a hollow shell."

"I work harder than God! If he had hired me, he would have made the world by Thursday."

"Susie Essman - Ellen Friedman"

"Ron Rifkin - Larry Friedman"

"Brian George - Paulie Chopra (Indian bartender)"