"I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one."

"I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream."

"Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes."

"I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man."

"The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it."

"Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety."

"I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in."

"About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke."

"I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself.""

"Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind."

"Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and cheap mistake tew make."

"Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!"

"The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord."

"When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, then i am happy."

"Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I have seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat terrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out."

"Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it."

"This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a speckulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked."

"Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet."

"As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them."

"I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous."

"Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands."

"The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it."

"A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals."

"We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying."

"7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days."

"Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness."

"When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack."

"I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil."

"I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor."

"Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have."

"Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable."

"I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know."

"Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks."

"He that sympathizes in all the happiness of others, perhaps himself enjoys the safest happiness."

"Times of general calamity and confusion, have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm."

"No man can purchase his virtue too dear, for it is the only thing whose value must ever increase with the price it has cost us."

"Men will wrangle for religion, write for it, fight for it, die for it; anything but live for it."

"If we can advance any propositions that are both true and new, these are indisputably our own, by right of discovery; and if we can repeat what is old more briefly and brightly than others, this also becomes our own, by right of conquest."

"Instead of exhibiting talent in the hope that the world would forgive their eccentricities, they have exhibited only their eccentricities, in the hope that the world would give them credit for talent."

"The first consideration with a knave, is how to help himself, and the second, how to do it, with an appearance of helping you. Dionysius the tyrant, stripped the statue of Jupiter Olympius, of a robe of massy gold, and substituted a cloak of wool, saying, gold is too cold in winter, and too heavy in summer; — It behoves us to take care of Jupiter"

"Cicero observed to a degenerate patrician, "I am the first of my family, but you are the last of yours" And since his time, those who value themselves merely on their ancestry, have been compared to potatoes, all that is good of them is under the ground."

"Many a man may thank his talent for his rank, but no man has ever been able to return the compliment by thanking his rank for his talent."

"From the preponderance of talent, we may always infer the soundness and vigour of the commonwealth; but from the preponderance of riches, its dotage and degeneration."

"Great minds had rather deserve contemporaneous applause, without obtaining it, than obtain, without deserving it; if it follow them, it is well, but they will not deviate to follow it. With inferior minds the reverse is observable."

"It is almost as difficult to make a man unlearn his errors as his knowledge. Mal-information is more hopeless than non-information; for error is always more busy than ignorance. Ignorance is a blank sheet, on which we may write; but error is a scribbled one, on which we must first erase. Ignorance is contented to stand still with her back to the truth; but error is more presumptuous, and proceeds in the same direction. Ignorance has no light, but error follows a false one. The consequence is, that error, when she retraces her footsteps, has further to go, before she can arrive at the truth, than ignorance."

"That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and takes from him the least time."

"With books, as with companions, it is of more consequence to know which to avoid, than which to choose; for good books are as scarce as good companions."

"A volume, therefore, that contains more words than ideas, like a tree that has more foliage than fruit, may suit those to resort to, who want not to feast, but to dream and to slumber."