"Meeting in the middle of the desert always made me nervous. It's a scary place. I knew about the holes in the desert, of course, and everywhere I looked, there could have been a hole. Normally, my prospects of coming back alive from a meeting with Nicky were 99 out of 100. But this time, when I heard him say "a couple of hundred yards down the road," I gave myself 50/50."

"We all have a past! You have a past, I have a past, and my past is no worse than yours, but you guys think you have the right to pass judgment on me!"

"In Vegas, everybody's gotta watch everybody else. Since the players are looking to beat the casino, the dealers are watching the players. The boxmen are watching the dealers. The floormen are watching the boxmen. The pit bosses are watching the floormen. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye in the sky [the CCTV cameras] is watching us all."

"[To a cheater, after casino thugs have broken his accomplice's hand with a hammer] Alright, I'm going to give you a choice: You can either have the money and the hammer, or you can walk out of here. You can't have both."

"[voice over, while observing a blackjack cheat] You can spot these assholes by watching the way they bet. Like this guy. He's betting lavender chips at five hundred each with only one little problem: He's always guessed right. If he wasn't so fuckin' greedy, he'd have been tougher to spot. But in the end, they're all greedy."

"In the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and keep them coming back. The longer they play, the more they lose. In the end, we get it all."

"No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he’ll keep coming back and back until one of you is dead."

"When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had."

"Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator."

"Brian George - Dungeon Maitre d'"

"Megan Cavanagh - Broomhilde"

"Dick Van Patten - The Abbot"

"Dom DeLuise - Don Giovanni"

"Patrick Stewart - King Richard"

"Tracey Ullman - Latrine the Witch"

"Isaac Hayes - Asneeze"

"Matthew Porretta - Will Scarlet O'Hara"

"Eric Allan Kramer - Little John"

"Mark Blankfield - Blinkin"

"Mel Brooks - Rabbi Tuckman"

"Dave Chappelle - Ahchoo"

"Roger Rees - Sheriff of Rottingham"

"Richard Lewis - Prince John"

"Amy Yasbeck - Maid Marian of Bagel"

"Cary Elwes - Robin of Loxley, called Robin Hood"

"Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!"

"Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna [joyfully snaps fingers] have a lot of fun, huh? [everybody cheers]"

"Stan Shaw - Phillips"

"Tatjana Patitz - Cheryl Lynn Austin"

"Steve Buscemi - Willy "The Weasel" Wilhelm"

"Tia Carrere - Jingo Asakuma"

"Stan Egi - Ishihara"

"Kevin Anderson - Bob Richmond"

"Ray Wise - Senator Morton"

"Mako - Yoshida-san"

"Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa - Eddie Sakamura"

"Harvey Keitel - Lt. Tom Graham"

"Wesley Snipes - Lt. Webster "Web" Smith"

"Sean Connery - Capt. John Connor"

"Phillips: Must be nice to fuck a lawyer, instead of always being fucked by one."

"[after pushing on wall to find a hidden room] The executive fuck chamber."

"The Japanese have a saying, "Fix the problem, not the blame." Find out what's fucked up and fix it. Nobody gets blamed. We're always after who fucked up. Their way is better."

"Never underestimate your opponent. Never take what he offers you."

"Jamal Mixon - Ernie "Hercules" Klump Jr."

"Dave Chappelle - Reggie Warrington"

"Larry Miller - Dean Richmond"

"NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! [to an attractive woman next to him] Not you, me. I’m talking about me. My titties are gone. Your titties are lovely. What’s your name?"

"James Coburn - Harlan Hartley"

"John Ales - Jason"

"Jada Pinkett Smith - Carla Purdy"