"Shit is the tofu of cursing."

"I read "Revolutionary Road" once a year. Aside from its word-by-word construction, I love how his characters deceive …"

"What did Trish's mother say when her daughter, heartbroken over her breakup with Randy, came to her in search of love…"

"Last Christmas I received a set of golf clubs that, my father likes to remind me, cost a goddamned fortune. He says t…"

"Over Christmas we looked through boxes of family pictures and played a game we call 'Find Mom, find Mom's cigarettes.…"

"'Of course he died,' the window washer said. 'You can't take more than a four-storey fall, not in this town anyway. T…"

"I Photo Elfed all day for a variety of Santas and it struck me that many of the parents don't allow their children to…"

""You kids think you invented sex," my mother was fond of saying. But hadn't we? With no instruction manual or federal…"

"It occurred to me that everything we buy has been poked or packaged by some unfortunate nitwit with a hairnet and a w…"

"I love things made out of animals," Sedaris says, holding a knife with a hoof for a handle. "It's just so funny to th…"