"[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?"

"[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!"

"Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!"

"[at Curly's impromptu funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!"

"I've gotta stop being a schmuck."

"I crap bigger than you."

"You're spookin' the cattle."

"She a redhead? I like redheads."

"City folk."

"Great gobs of goose shit!"

"I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters."

"When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. But look at ya now; a bunch of tenderfeet bringin' in a whole herd!"

"Yesterday they were businessmen; today they are cowboys; tomorrow they'll be walking funny."

"Billy Crystal- Mitch Robbins"

"Daniel Stern- Phil Berquist"

"Bruno Kirby- Ed Furillo"

"Helen Slater- Bonnie Chambers"

"Noble Willingham- Clay Stone"

"Tracey Walter- Cookie"

"Patricia Wettig- Barbara Robbins"

"Yeardley Smith- Nancy"

"Jake Gyllenhaal- Danny Robbins"

"[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."

"Let's bring out the cake!"

"I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?"

"[Seeing Bonnie for the first time] You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive."

"If hate were people, I'd be China!!"

"Charge all this to my Visa [spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale] I'll take that shirt, too."

"What'd ya use for protection, Phil; paper or plastic?"