"[last lines] So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. [Tallahassee hits the zombie with the car door] I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night."

"[voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... [the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown."

"[to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!"

"Bill Murray - Himself"

"Abigail Breslin - Little Rock"

"Emma Stone - Wichita"

"Jesse Eisenberg - Columbus"

"Woody Harrelson - Tallahassee"

"A comedy that kills."

"Survival rule #1: Cardio."

"I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people."

"Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero."

"It's disgusting the way we treat humans. Demeans us as much as them."

"This one looked at me."

"Living with your daughter, Senator, would age any ape quickly."

"The humans infest the provinces. They breed too quickly while we grow too soft in our affluence. Even now, they outnumber us, four to one."

"Extremism in defense of apes is no vice, Senator. Your ideas threaten our prosperity. The human problem cannot be solved by simply throwing money at it."

"Everything in the human culture takes place below the waist."

"Is there a soul in there?"

"So you want to be human? Then wear their mark!"

"All right, get 'em out and get 'em clean! Chop chop!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? Wear your gloves when you handle humans!"

"The young ones make wonderful pets! But be sure you get rid of it by puberty. The one thing you don't want in your house is a human teenager."

"[in tie-in Pepsi commercial] Humans! Ha! You don't know your right from your left. An inferior species of primates. You don't even know what tastes good!"

"Take your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty human!!"

"We give thanks to you, Semos, for the fruit of the land. Bless us, holy father, who created all apes in his image. Hasten the day when you will return and bring peace to your children. Amen."

"The Senator's daughter flirts with blasphemy."

"These humans are different. They travel with apes."

"Everything I have believed is a lie! You and your family have betrayed us! I won't help you anymore."

"Apes! Monkeys are further down the evolutionary ladder... just above humans."

"The cost would be prohibitive... although our scientists do tell me these humans carry terrible diseases."

"The government tried that once, and all we got for it was a welfare state that nearly bankrupted us."

"Next you'll be telling us these beasts have a soul."

"We were searching for a pilot lost in an electromagnetic storm. When we got too close, our guidance systems went haywire. We haven't had any communications since we crash-landed. This planet is... uncharted and uninhabited. We're trying to make the best of it. The apes we brought along have been very helpful. They are a lot stronger... and a lot smarter than we ever imagined."

"The others have fled with the children into the mountains. The apes are out of control. One male named Semos, who I raised myself, has taken over the group. He is extremely brutal, violent and very dangerous. We have weapons, but I don't know how much longer we'll last. Maybe I saw the truth when they were young, and I wouldn't admit it! We taught them all too well. They were good students and– [sounds of very loud ape noises, followed by a scream]"

"Well, the other thing I've learned is that when you deal with a studio and it's their asset... it's their asset. And I should have learned that lesson with Planet of the Apes because I had a great... great idea with Planet of the Apes, but it was Fox's asset. Even though I was supposedly developing it we didn't see eye to eye and they sort of picked up their marbles and that was that. They turned out, I think, possibly the most egregious film that they could have on that subject because they miscast the director. It's the only Tim Burton film that I don't like."

"In the beginning, God created beast and man, so that both might live in friendship and share dominion over a world at peace. But in the fullness of time, evil men betrayed God's trust and, in disobedience to His holy word, waged bloody wars...not only against their own kind, but against the apes, whom they reduced to slavery. Then God, in His wrath, sent the world a savior, miraculously born of two apes who had descended on Earth from Earth's own future. And man was afraid, for both parent apes possessed the power of speech. So both were brutally murdered. But the child ape survived and grew up to set his fellow creatures free from the yoke of human slavery. Yet, in the aftermath of his victory, the surface of the world was ravaged by the vilest war in human history. The great cities of the world split asunder and were flattened. And out of one such city, our savior led a remnant of those who survived in search of greener pastures, where ape and human might forever live in friendship, according to divine will. His name was Caesar, and this is his story in those far off days."

"By a majority vote, the Commission finds no solid evidence for hostility by either ape towards the human race as is presently constituted in this Year of our Lord, 1973. The male's attitude is that of a deeply interested and well-disposed academician who studied the alleged future downfall of the human race with the true objectivity of a good historian. The female's case, however, is different in that she undoubtedly committed actions against the human race of a sort which, if they were to be committed today, would be called atrocities. But would they be so called in two thousand years' time when it is alleged that humans will have become dumb brutes with the restricted intelligence of animals? It has been pointed out that what apes will do to humans is no more than what humans are now doing to beasts. Nonetheless, the Commission is sympathetic to Dr. Hasslein's conviction that the progeny of these apes could, in centuries to come, prove an increasing threat to the human race and conceivably end by dominating it. This is a risk we dare not ignore. Therefore, the Commission unanimously recommends that the birth of the female ape's unborn child should be prevented. And that after its prenatal removal, both the male and the female should humanely be rendered incapable of bearing another. I now declare this Commission dissolved."

"You are asking me to risk imprisonment for the sake of two fugitive apes?! My answer is: a thousand times, yes!"

"Zira! I want that baby! If you won't give it to me, I'll shoot!"

"That's what I'm worried about. Later. Later, we'll do something about pollution. Later, we'll do something about the population explosion. Later, we'll do something about the nuclear war! We think we've got all the time in the world!! How much time has the world got?!! Somebody has to begin to care!"

"Mr. President, the people must be told that the killers of today could become the mass murderers of tomorrow!"

"Now they've killed. And for that, they must be killed. It has to be done and done quickly before we start a stone growing that'll gather enough poison moss to kill us all!"

"When we were in space, we saw a bright, white, blinding light. Then we saw the rim of the Earth melt. Then there was a tornado in the sky."

"It wasn't our war. It was the gorillas' war."

"(when asked if he can talk too) Only when she lets me!"

"Please, do not use the word "monkey"! It is offensive to us. As an archaeologist, I had access to history scrolls which were kept secret from the masses, and I suspect that the weapon which destroyed Earth was man's own invention! I do know this: one of the reasons for man's original downfall was your peculiar habit of murdering one another! Man destroys man. Apes do not destroy apes!"

"Where we come from, apes talk. Humans are dumb."

"My name is Cornelius. This is my wife, Zira."