"Ute: I took this job because I only had to cook and clean for one person and one dog. Then I get the mother, the lover, his kids, their dog! Ms. Fisher, up with this bullshit I will not put! I quit!"

"Mrs. Trumper: AHHHHGH! Hooper! Vesta! This is long-term leakage!"

"Garcia: I may be the butler, but I'm not the maid!"

"Ute: Fuzzy has just shit all over the carpet!"

"Mrs. Trumper: Nurse Hooper may be short, but she's very devoted."

"Bob's mother: Is it that time of the month?"

"It is true that the defendant has no criminal record and is a well-respected member of the community. But the fact remains that, the defendant stole large sums of money from his clients. In doing so, Mr. Patchett has not only broken a sacred trust, he has shaken the public's faith in accountants everywhere."

"It's like you give men what they want and they don't want it anymore."

"Hey, can I have some salt and Perrier? I just spilled my wine on Mary Fisher, you know, the famous author!"

"Men go crazy when I tell them my name. It's Olivia Honey. They think it's so cute. But it is, isn't it?"

"[writing] He held her body as he had for a millennium with an ease neither of them had ever, ever known. He reached for her [pauses trying to think of an appropriate word] ...nub. [she backspaces "nub" and tries again] Love... button!"

"Someone get this deranged woman out of here!"

"All the little families. Mummies and daddies and dear little children tucked away for the night. [begins crying] How lucky they all are!"

"Passion. Excitement. I think that it's important in a long-term relationship, and that's what I think women find from my novels. They find ways to make their man feel important and comfortable, to let him know that he is... the man. You know, so there's no confusion."

"It's picture time! [sets Olivia on the Xerox machine]"

"Because that is the real world, Mary, so wake up and smell the cappuccino!"

"[speaking to Ruth] I don't even think you're a woman! You know what you are? You're a she-devil!"

"Poor Bob. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost."

"I've always found that justice serves those who serve themselves."

"Some women are born beautiful. They make it look easy. But most women have to put a little time and effort into their appearance. And then there are those of us who need all the help we can get. Like me."

"Sad Mary Fisher. She's learning that men that burn so hot for a mistress cool off fast when the mistress starts acting like a wife."

"[Referring to her clients] All these women needed was a little support and encouragement to turn their lives around. They would become my own personal army, ready for action when I needed them."

"[Referring to the Vesta Rose Agency] I would start an employment agency for the unloved and the unwanted. Women like Hooper whom the world had thrown away."

"[On Nurse Hooper] She was hard-working, loyal, honest…and eager to invest her money where it would do the most good."

"Mary Fisher's mother had been enjoying a long, untroubled sleep. It was time to wake her up."

"Mary Fisher, I hope your pink palace crumbles into the sea. I hope your delicate white skin breaks out in hives and your shiny blonde hair falls out at the root!"

"[reading from one of Fisher's novels] "She entwined her limbs about him, as ivy might wrap itself around some massive pillar. When his love nectar was spent, they drifted into the bliss of sleep.""

"Isaac Hayes - Asneeze"

"Mel Brooks - Rabbi Tuckman"

"Dave Chappelle - Ahchoo"

"Roger Rees - Sheriff of Rottingham"

"Richard Lewis - Prince John"

"Amy Yasbeck - Maid Marian of Bagel"

"Cary Elwes - Robin of Loxley, called Robin Hood"

"Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!"

"Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna [joyfully snaps fingers] have a lot of fun, huh? [everybody cheers]"

"Brian George - Dungeon Maitre d'"

"Megan Cavanagh - Broomhilde"

"Dick Van Patten - The Abbot"

"Dom DeLuise - Don Giovanni"

"Patrick Stewart - King Richard"