"I must congratulate you on your virtuoso performance, my boy. Centauri is impressed. I've seen 'em come, and I've seen 'em go, but you're the best, my boy. Dazzling! Light years ahead of the competition! Centauri's got a little proposition for you. Are ya interested?"

"[voice in video game] Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko-dan Armada."

"[to Grig] Maybe there is a Starfighter left."

"Terrific. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax."

"[to an alien] I'm sorry, it was an accident. I didn't mean to step on your, uh, whatever that is."

"There's gotta be a perfectly logical explanation for all this."

"I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet you a million fucking dollars."

"The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to single the program out. It gets under people's skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got--- [pause] clowns get hit with pies."

"[Thinking, while looking at a woman's butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, I'd like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. That's when you know it's cold. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys don't. Well maybe they do. Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. Fuck, it's cold. Neil Young. Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond. Neil... There's not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven't had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go."

"Here's the thing: if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove, because if you do that, that's what he will think. Unless you're a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not."

"The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. [pause] I'm fast food."

"That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing."

"Chris Hebert - Lewis Rogan"

"Peter Nelson - Jack Blake"

"Norman Snow - Xur"

"Kay E. Kuter - Enduran"

"Barbara Bosson - Jane Rogan"

"Dan O'Herlihy - Grig"

"Will Young - Bertie"

"Bob Hoskins - Vivian Van Damm"

"Judi Dench - Laura Henderson"

"As you know, these are difficult times. So many of our delightful variety performers have been forced onto the milkline."

"Showbusiness is full of Jewish people. One must make do!"

"My dear, you must never interrupt a perfectly good argument!"

"My husband put me on top of the cupboard once. You have so much in common."

"You men certainly do get yourselves into such a state over the "midlands"!"

"(After seeing him naked) Why Mr Van Damm, you are Jewish!"

"Tomorrow, we have auditions! Isn't that exciting? People come in to entertain us, and we say either stick around or buzz off!"

"You needn't worry. Our lighting will be so subtle, the disputed area [the female genitalia] will be barely visible. And anyway, we'll have a barber!"

"But I've told all my friends, that I'm helping to build a home for future bastards!"

"And if we cause too many people to congregate in the street, who gives a fiddler's fuck?"

"Are you American? Strange people, lovely manners."

"The show must go on, but the clothes must come off."

"Scott Wilson - Governor Lew Wallace"

"Howie Young - Poe Posse"

"Robert Knepper - Deputy Carlyle"

"Bradley Whitford - Charles Phalen"

"Tracey Walter - Beever Smith"

"Viggo Mortensen - John W. Poe"

"Lou Diamond Phillips as Jose Chavez y Chavez"

"Jack Kehoe - Ashmun Upson"

"Jenny Wright - Jane Greathouse"

"Balthazar Getty - Tom O'Folliard"

"James Coburn - John Chisum"

"Alan Ruck - Henry "Bullet George" William French"

"William Petersen as Pat Garrett"

"Christian Slater as "Arkansas" Dave Rudabaugh"

"Kiefer Sutherland as Josiah Gordon "Doc" Scurlock"

"Emilio Estevez as William H. "Billy the Kid" Bonney/Brushy Bill Roberts (uncredited for the latter)"