"[Trying to get Kenny to give up his security blanket] I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious."

"Honey, you gave me some real good advice once, so let me give you some of my own. It's real easy to forget what's important, so don't."

"Honey if you call and I'm not home I'll be at the gym or the gun club."

"Your Mom calls the vacuum cleaner "jaws"?"

"Eloise Hardt - Sheila Hamilton (segment "A.M. Today")"

"William Tregoe - John Fitzsimmons (segment "A.M. Today")"

"Henry Gibson - Himself (segment "United Appeal for the Dead")"

"Derek Murcott - Pennington (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Eric Micklewood - Asquith (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Evan C. Kim - Loo (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Bong Soo Han - Dr. Klahn (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"

"Tara Strohmeier - Girl (segment "Eyewitness News")"

"Donald Sutherland - The Clumsy Waiter (segment "That's Armageddon")"

"George Lazenby - The Architect (segment "That's Armageddon")"

"Tony Dow - Wally (segment "Courtroom")"

"Marilyn Joi - Cleopatra Schwartz (segment "Cleopatra Schwartz")"

"Bill Bixby - Himself (segment "Headache Clinic")"

"PA Announcement: This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker..."

"Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives."

"Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution..."

"Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!"

"Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!"

"Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation."

"A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives."

"Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money!"

"Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces."

"Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles, film at eleven."

"Moscow in flames, missiles headed to New York, film at eleven."

"I'm not wearing any pants, film at eleven."

"The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in, film at eleven."

"It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk."

"In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer."

"Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness."

"No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!"

"[telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound]"

"[after decapitating a prisoner] Now take him to be tortured!"

"Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!"

"Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!"

"Frank Oz - Corrupt Cop"

"Kristin Holby - Penelope Witherspoon"

"Paul Gleason - Clarence Beeks"

"Don Ameche - Mortimer Duke"

"Ralph Bellamy - Randolph Duke"

"Denholm Elliott - Coleman"