Television Personalities

"There was something else my mother did that I've always remembered: "Always look for the helpers," she'd tell me. "There's always someone who is trying to help.""

"When I was a child and my mother and I would read about such events in the newspapers or see them in newsreels, she used to tell me, “Always look for the helpers. There’s always someone who is trying to help.”"

"Very frankly, I am opposed to people being programmed by others. My whole approach in broadcasting has always been 'You are an important person just the way you are. You can make healthy decisions.' Maybe I'm going on too long, but I just feel that anything that allows a person to be more active in the control of his or her life, in a healthy way, is important."

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression."

"If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person."

"Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we aren't perfect."

"It's our insides that make us who we are, that allow us to dream and wonder and feel for others. That's what's essential. That's what will always make the biggest difference in our world."

"It's not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff."

"Vermont is a small state which makes an enormous difference."

"I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what's best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we're doing what God does; so in appreciating our neighbor, we're participating in something truly sacred."

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed."

"Well, what is essential about you? And who are those who have helped you become the person that you are? Anyone who has ever graduated from a college, anyone who has ever been able to sustain a good work, has had at least one person and often many who have believed in him or her. We just don't get to be competent human beings without a lot of different investments from others."

"Our world hangs like a magnificent jewel in the vastness of space. Every one of us is a part of that jewel. A facet of that jewel. And in the perspective of infinity, our differences are infinitesimal."

"Children are to be respected and I respect them deeply. They've taught me an awful lot."

"Both Joanne and I can recall many times when we wish we'd said or done something different. But we didn't, and we've learned not to feel too guilty about that. What gives me my good feelings is that we always cared and always tried to do our best."

"Yes, when I was here the first word of the alma mater was 'Men…Men of Dartmouth, give a rouse…' Well, now the first word is 'Dear.' Some things change for the better."

"Fame is a four letter word and like tape, or zoom, or face, or pain, or life, or love, what ultimately matters is what we do with it."

"I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring."

"Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too."

"Yes, we're lazy. Yet we also can't seem to sit still. So we've started making things like GO-GURT. That's yogurt for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really? [pretending to be on the phone:] "Hello?...Oh, hi, Tom...oh, I've been dying to see that movie...Umm, no...I just opened up some yogurt...Yeah, I'm in for the night...No, not even later-it's the kind with fruit on the bottom. Well, have fun. Thanks anyway.""

"I mean, I feel like I'm in a unique position as host, because think about it: What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a strange woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?"

"Don't you hate when people are late to work? And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in?!""

"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going....""

"I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...."

"If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do."

"Death, disease, famine"

"I personally chose to go vegan because I educated myself on factory farming and cruelty to animals, and I suddenly realized that what was on my plate were living things, with feelings. And I just couldn't disconnect myself from it any longer."

"My name is Ellen and I'm a vegetarian. Just to add another label to me: I am a lesbian, aquarian and vegetarian. I've said it..."

"I wish that I wasn't seen differently. I wish that people looked at me and just saw that I was a good person with a good heart. And that wants to make people laugh. And that's who I am. I also happen to be gay. And I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called. I mean, there are couples that have been together, 30 years, 40 years. And all of a sudden, they lose their house, you know, the taxes kill them, because it's different because they're not married. Everything is taken away just because. You know, with Sept. 11, there are a lot of people that lost their partner and didn't get the same benefits. It's not fair. And at the same time I know there are people watching right now saying, you know, it's sick it's wrong, it's this. And it's like, I can't convince them that I'm not sick or wrong, that there's nothing wrong with me. You know, I can live my life and hope that things change, and hope that we're protected as any other couples"

"Ellen: I think one of the turning points in my life came a few years ago. I started going to sleep at night just talking to myself, saying, "You're perfect just the way you are," because I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good. Just those affirmations every night changed my belief in who I was because I had been told for so long, over and over, that I was something else. That brings us to another agreement: Don't make assumptions—because we assume that when people do something or say something to you, they mean just what we think they mean."

"I just like observing people — it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that."

"I think I'm healthier than I've ever been. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm more myself. I can't stress that enough," Ellen says. "I think kindness is the key to yourself and to other people. … I think I found out who I was, and I think I really try to be a better person every single day. And she [sc. Portia de Rossi, her wife] makes me better."

"I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion."

"But I do believe that's when you do your soul-searching. I think when you have these trials that life gives you, it is an opportunity to find out who you are. Not just who you are when everything's great, but who are you when every thing is taken away from you and you have nothing."

"I knew if I came out, there was a possibility I would lose my career. But I didn't do it for my career, I did it for me to live my truth," she says. "I thought, 'I don't want to live and have any shame whatsoever.' I should be proud of who I am, and I don't care if people approve or not. It is who I am."

"For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13."

"I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] — I mean, I think this part is great — but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause — 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored...""

"You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful."

"Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank gosh that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong — normally you wouldn't say, thank gosh I have gas."

"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."

"They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over."

"What could be going so wrong that they need to check on you that often....'My bra's in my butt!!'....'Rachel' (mouths pointing to her butt 'My bra's in my butt' and again 'My bra's in my butt' shakes head no and air spells out B-U-T-T and then motions her to come here). I'd like to see how far they'd go to help you when you tell them your bra's in your butt.' 'Oh my, it's in the butt...do you need a different size or color? I don't know what to do about the bra in the butt. I'll get the manager I don't know."

"Let's say, for instance, I'm out of cheese. And then I'll think, oh, but what if I go to the store and they're out of cheese? I'd be like, “How can you be out of cheese?” “What do you mean ‘How can we be out of cheese?’ You're out of cheese. People run out of cheese.” Then I’d be like, “Yeah, but you’re a store. You should have cheese stocked up in the back for people like me coming in looking for cheese.” And that's when they send the manager over, who thinks he's so cool for being the manager ‘cause his picture’s framed in the front of the store ‘cause he’s the manager, you know. And he’d be like, "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" Which to me is so condescending, like “little lady.” I'd be like, “The little lady’s problem.…” He'd be like, “Who’s the little lady?” I'd be like, “Shut up and listen to me. You’re out of cheese and I want some.” And, he's like, “Well, how about some cottage cheese?' Like he’s going to negotiate the situation, he’s a diplomat because he’s the manager. And I’d be like, “I don’t want cottage cheese; I want cheddar cheese. Sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese are not the same things. Just ‘cause they have the name cheese in the title doesn't make it a cheese at all. That’d be like going into a musical instrument store and saying ‘I’d like to buy a trumpet,’ and them saying 'I'm sorry, we're all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoehorn?’ See, that’s not the same thing, is it, Mr. Manager?” (‘Thank you for the shoe horn,’ you know.) And he starts getting all nervous and everything, because a crowd has formed and he starts feeling humiliated because they're all sitting around mumbling “What seems to be the problem?,' I don’t know, she wants some cheese.' And, so, um, he just slaps me right across the face. And, umm, so that’s when Skip, the part time guy who works there, who hates the manager ‘cause he thinks so cool for being the manager and treats Skip like junk because he’s just the part time guy. And Skip’s going to quit in the fall and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money; he’s from a wealthy family. He’s just doing it for the experience because his family wants him to work one summer. And, so anyway, so, he takes the hose, and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye, right, and so, but that’s when he’s leaning down to pick the cottage cheese, so he misses him and he gets this old woman who’s standing right behind him, and she’s there picking out an avocado, because the older you are the less you eat and she all she wants is the avocado. So she screams out, “my eye, I’ve been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose.” And so then that's when her nephew who's visiting from Austin Texas is two aisles over buying tortilla chips because he thinks they're going to have guacamole. Little does he know it's one avocado. And so, he starts running “I’ll help you, aunt so and so,” running, and then when he's running down the aisle when he slips on some water from the produce hose, breaks his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there... gets a stitch put in his cheekbone, just one, but still, it's a stitch. Chaos breaks out and it's all over Hard Copy and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood... "Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot." And I'm like, “I didn’t even want the cheese.” You know?"

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we're all strange. Now there are people out there [in audience] going “Do they think we’re strange because we’re here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We’re not going to understand a word of this.” Seriously, though, if you're here you're probably strange. I mean, you have tendencies, you've thought about it. Now there are people [in audience] going “I have thought about it. Does that mean I'm strange? I'm not strange. Is that how they get us?”"

"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers — which is why almost no technology ever works."

"Cleese, who enjoyed a fairly traditional, upper-middle-class upbringing, has dedicated his career to subverting the very same traditional British society which both molded him and projected him into the limelight. He has been enormously popular, in part because the British middle and upper class tend to enjoy that small moral relief which they experience through laughing at themselves. Christianity, nationalism and class have all come under Cleese’s satirical gaze while he continued to enjoy the fruits of the middle-class existence that he so tenaciously and profitably chipped away at. Now, like so many Boomers, he finds himself in the crumbling ruins of that same soppy-stern society, wishing that it would return, if only partially, and has begun a late-life declaration of war against political correctness, multiculturalism and the ‘loony left’ for which he is partly responsible."

"...what happens as you get older, and I promise you I'm not exaggerating, is that you begin to realize, first of all, that almost nobody knows what they're doing or what they’re talking about."

"I had a very strange experience in our stage tour. I'm sure that they all remember it differently, but I remember we started off in Brighton and worked our way front to the Midlands, and we were doing a show in Bristol, and we were doing a matinee there, and for some extraordinary reason the audience just didn't laugh. So after about four sketches of this Bristol matinee audience not laughing at something that people had been falling around at for two weeks, I realized that they were right and that it wasn't funny. And I'm being perfectly serious: if people aren't laughing, it isn't funny. And then the next house came in in the evening, and they started to laugh again in all the right places, and the show became funny again. But I mean comedy is incredibly brittle, and if something goes wrong with the atmosphere, you're dead."

"You can do the creation and then criticize it, but you can't do them at the same time. So if you're worried about offending people and constantly thinking of that, you are not going to be very creative. So I think it has a disastrous effect."