"I tell you what, if any of you survive here, I promise you this: As sure as I have a hole in my bloody arse, when it gets down to the two of you, all these people who are saying nice things about you at the moment, will not! So start thinking about yourself!"

"But you were in the restaurant business before?? Marco-Pierre White or something....The Titanic – well here's another bloody disaster you're in now! (To Syed before Alexa is fired after the infamous catering task when the Invicta team lose because they bought an excessive number of chickens to make pizzas)."

"Syed, SHUT UP! (Lord Sugar speaking to Syed Ahmed)."

"But I've sat here four times, and there is a message coming from above....not that I am a believer in the Lord or anything.... (Immediately before Jo Cameron's firing)."

"Most of the people I do business with are mature businessmen like me, and they are not going to take kindly to being spoken to like a wash woman in the street!! (to Saira Khan during a boardroom showdown)."

"When it comes to bullshit, they [advertising agencies] have forgotten what you haven't already learnt about all this crap! (To Rachel - shortly before her firing, when her supposed expertise in advertising results in the failure of the advertising task)."

"Now Matthew, you are an awkward character - I'm sorry to say that to you but you are an awkward character. It seems you can't help yourself...you need confrontation! That worries me, that worries me a lot! (To Matthew Palmer, shortly before his firing)."

"If you take care of your character, your reputation will take care of itself."

"I came from an environment where I needed to succeed. There was no wealth or anything like that in the family. Not that we were paupers, but we had to fend for ourselves. Kids today are not as hungry as I was. They don’t understand how tough my generation was."

"I don’t believe in God and all that. But I am Jewish, and very proud to be so, very proud of the culture."

"My history of lending money from banks is that they want to know the ins and outs of the backside of a duck."

"Pan Am takes good care of you. Marks & Spencer loves you. Securicor cares. I.B.M. says the customer is king. At Amstrad, we want your money!"

"If there was a market in mass-produced portable nuclear weapons, we'd market them, too."

"I've got to continue the process with some candidates, some very strong candidates that are left. Let's get rid of the no-hopers. No chance. Don't waste my time. (to Ella Jade Bitton after firing Sarah Dales before the first ever triple firing in the series)."

"Robert, I don't like people who bottle out. So Robert - You're fired. (to Robert Goodwin when he was fired before the final boardroom in the second task)"

"My disposals get taken away in the back of a taxi! (referring to the task in week 6, which centred around waste disposal and where Edna eventually fired)."

"I'm the only guy who actually invented anything of the judges. They got a couple of advertising hacks, and a venture capitalist."

"I am the truth-teller. I tried never to be mean, but Simon did tell me at one point. 'Doug, if you tell the truth, you don't have a choice.'"

"Some of America is going to love him, and some of America is going to hate him."

"The other judges were all in suits and fancy clothes, and they didn't want to jump on a trampoline, or ride the go-cart in the dirt. I did every demo possible to see if the things would do what they were promising they would do."

"Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges."

"Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad"."

"at the beach"

"on holiday in Hawaii"

"at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano."

"As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:"

"Larry's grandmother has died at age 104"

"Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas to see his grandparents. Ron is talking to the flight attendant."

"Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner"

"Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign."

"Bill is at the pet store, buying a big bag of cat litter"

"Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway"

"Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck"

"Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it."

"After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked."

"A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other."

"Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch."

"In the store, Bill is buying some pants."

"Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him."

"in the lost luggage office in Buffalo"

"Engvall is waiting for an elevator. A man walks up"

"Engvall has an elk hung on the wall."

"Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass."

"Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway."

"Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat."

"Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching."

"On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer."

"Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son."

"His explanation for the "signs""

"I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations.""