"No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that."

"And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, ‘Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…’"

"So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?"

"On chameleons - Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."

"No ones been up that high!"

"Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit..."

"Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back."

"On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."

"(On fun-sized chocolates) I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off"

"On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a diss."

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"

"The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?"

"You won't get anything done by planning."

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"

"Any problem solved is a new problem made."

"What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?"

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]"

"It serves a purpose."

"That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]"

"I think some bacteria have better lives than that [Karls interpretation on the life of an innuit]"

"You know that guy Richard Blackwood? He went in for a colonic, live TV. Never seen again."

"On octopuses - When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."

"Karl's Diary - Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore"

"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"

"I'm just sayin', I don't like fun"

"On cutting open avocados- It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts."

"Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- ...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?"

"Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area."

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"

"Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!"

"Treat the world like a head"

"We're just a weed in the universe"

"I could eat a knob at night."

"The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’"

"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes awww innit nice? There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about oh the baby's lovely. They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."

"That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th"

"The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching."

"But hummus. When did that happen?...but there's a restaurant down the road that that's all they do. That is isn't a proper meal, that's a side-order innit? That's like having a restaurant just floggin' tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid ya to get you in to flog you just hummus, they actually say Oh it's hummus today. Not gonna work, they shut down within a month."

"(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine"

"It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"

"Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'"

"If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing"

"He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off."

"Karl: I came up with a good idea....see through skin"

"I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it"

"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."

"On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger."