Producers From The United States

"I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that."

"I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles."

"Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives."

"I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me." My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you.""

"You know those days when you're like, "this might as well happen". Adult life is already so goddamn weird."

"It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around."

"A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah."

"In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."

"I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay, based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years. I think I was supposed to be gay, I think like in heaven, they built like three quarters of a gay person, and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out, and it was like, "you marked that one gay, right?", and it was like, "oh, no, was I supposed to?", and they were like, "oh, man this will be a very interesting person"."

"I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me."

"13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. [...] Eighth-graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like, "hey, look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips". And I'm like, "no, that's the thing I'm sensitive about!""

"When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American."

"I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing."

"You know, for years scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", and the answer is: Yes. You can. As long as it is preceded by seven "What's New Pussycat"s."

"To me, at this point, like, Donald Trump is not just a rich man, like, Donald Trump is almost like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. No, it's like years ago, Trump was walking through an alley, and he heard some guy just like, "oh boy oh boy, as soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire people with my children." And Trump was like, "that is how I will live my life"."

"My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid, and my mom was standing over my bed, and she said: "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Fayed have been killed in Paris", like I had something to do with it. [...] Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve."

"It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable."

"For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you."

"I've never understood being goth, you know. I could never do that, I could never dress goth. And don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy, it's not that."

"Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em."

"Travelling can get kinda lonely sometimes, or, not travelling, what is the word? Uh, life, life can get kinda lonely. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and I'll be like, "yeah, I've been really lonely lately", and he'll be like, "well, we should hang out", and I'm like, no, that's not what I meant. Not what I meant at all."

"When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It's exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who's running for mayor of nothing."

"Usually when I need to name a character, I look around the studio and see who I could hand 15 nano-seconds of fame to."

"I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely."

"I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point."

"I love working on shows where they have the history week to week where the more you watch it, the more interesting it becomes. As you watch it unfold over time, that’s where you see it really flower. That’s my preference when I’m working on something."

"When you're part of a TV writing staff, a big part of the job is coming up with ideas, just all the time, they can be crazy, half-formed ideas, or whole pitches, you're just constantly coming up with things to throw at the wall, and you know that only some of them are going to stick. When you're the head writer, you spend a lot more time judging, choosing, making those calls about which direction to go. You have to change gears really often between being wildly imaginative, open to all possibilities... and then putting on the producer hat and considering what you're really able to accomplish, what's going to work in the long term.... Something can sound great when you first hear it, but then it takes you down a road that's going to turn into a dead end, you have to try and see that coming...."

"It's been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice. Now that's its own American gender nightmare that we don't have time to get into."

"If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person."

"If I had any advice to give, it's to be your own toughest critic when you write a spec or pitch -- a great idea goes a long way, but it's important to craft and polish your work so that you're communicating your ideas clearly and concisely, and that they're as entertaining as can be (remember, competition is stiff). And if you're pitching, put yourself in the mind of the producer or executive you're pitching to: figure out how to make your idea specific to the show, yet be inventive -- they'll want to hear something they might not have come up with on their own, that's why they're taking pitches in the first place."

"I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine."

"It is a leap year, as I said. Leap year began in the year 45 B.C. under Julius Ceasar. This is true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Ceasar was, uh, he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That would be an interesting thing if we brought that back."

"I've been trying to follow the news more this year, I've been trying to be much more involved in the news. You know, I read that this week over two days, the Dow Jones dropped 929 points, and I can't tell you how frustraing it is to not know what that means. It's getting embarassing."

"I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma."

"Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends."

"2029? That's not a real year. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas."

"If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that."

"I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all."

"From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me."

"Getting older is great, but I think bravery also comes with having a good career and high status. The world has shown me that bravery and honesty tends to be the better route. And I want to set an example for my daughter."

"I often tell people, "If you have a choice between the bottom job and a low management job when you're first starting, take the bottom job because you won't learn as much in the management job". I also tell students, "If you're not curious, you're not going to learn. And if you're not enthusiastic, you won't be noticed". If you're not naturally enthusiastic, pretend to be. It's very infectious."

"…We’re starting to have those conversations and it’s messy, because it’s stuff that we haven’t reckoned with, ever…Like, everyone has always known not to grab an butt, or to not say point blank, ‘You’re a woman – you’re not funny.’ But even just 10 years ago, no one would have talked about a cultural problem in comedy."

"People can’t be creative if they feel threatened. You need people saying random weird stuff without feeling their boss will yell at them. And it worked. I think there has been an awakening of compassion, since, a reckoning with privilege."

"…He had always known the situation was messed up, but it took me calling him out. I told him: ‘I’ve been pissed at you. This was terrible and it hurt me and what you did was wrong’…[he did it] because he was afraid, because he was working on a script with these guys. It was bros before hoes."

"I am both inspired and melancholy to be gracing the stage where Wishful Drinking first took flight. I knew all of the stories, but I remember feeling proud to sit along with Tricia Leigh and Billie - feeling I was part-princess."

"It does sort of transcend from stage to the camera and now behind the camera directing and in my writing. It’s like a bearing of everything. Even if it’s a funny song or a comedic scene. You are stripping yourself bare and showing them who you are, and I crave that."

"I didn’t want to be an actress, because I had been around that lifestyle my whole life. So, I just thought I wanted to be more serious or some stupid thing. I think what changed it was I was 22 or so and I had this exercise. I was up on stage performing, and when you're doing it well, it is the most exhilarating thing in the world. It just feels like the most alive you can be or something, and I decided I am going to try and do that."

"There’s something tingly and exciting about fear. In some weird way, it’s also kind of sexy. It’s simple and extreme and makes you feel present. Horror also has an awesome fan base. They’re so loyal and are always excited."

"All the saints say that you must have a deep devotion to Our Lady to be a saint. Medieval chivalry and medieval Marian devotion go hand in hand. A man must always live, work, and pray as if he were under the gaze of a Mother."

"Against the false claim of that good-willed but misled pastor, Saint Thomas Aquinas can be easy, simple, and accessible to any Catholic who is able to read. I am so convinced of this that I earned my Ph.D on the Philosophy of Thomas Aquinas, and I have made it is my life goal to make the world “a more Thomistic place.""