"When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."

"I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."

"Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!"

"[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!"

"[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."

"I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist."

"I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?"

"We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease."

"We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms."

"I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps."

"We go together like pigs and swimmin'."

"We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes."

"We go together like campin' trips and head lice."

"We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?"

"Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]"

"We go together like cocaine and waffles."

"If you ain't first, you're last!"

"[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!"

"I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car."

"Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy."

"[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"

"Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!"

"Daddy, you made that grace your bitch."

"I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai."

"[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!"

"You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?"

"Shut up, chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"

"Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!"

"Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?"

"[Shouting at a neighbor's house] Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!"

"What you lookin' at, Popeye?"

"Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"

"Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"

"One'a you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!"

"[throwing away their junk] Aw, Nana, not my prison shank."

"You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?"

"[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!"

"[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend."

"Peaches and cream!"

"Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense."

"[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!"

"[As Ricky races for the first time] Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!"

"Glenn, shut up."

"Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love....."

"Carley Bobby: [about Walker and Texas Ranger] If we wanted us some wussies, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman', okay?"

"Carley, Cal, Walker, Texas Ranger: Jenga!"

"Announcer at Racetrack: [after Girard completes a successful lap] Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole - which is, of course, a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."

"Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's "Ice Dancing To The Hits Of Motown"!"

"Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby wins! You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but, man, that was something!"

"Hershell: [about the jazz music] I want this music out of my head!"