"[At Mikita's, the doughnut shop] And there I am in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at three o' clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&M's to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door and mentions there's a little sweetshop on the edge of town. So, we go, and - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby breaking into this little sweetshop right? Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. Well I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son, that's a different story altogether... I had to beat them to death with their own shoes... Nasty business really... But sure enough, I got the M&M's and Ozzy went on stage and did a GREAT show." [everyone in donut shop claps]"

"[Telling Wayne what people might say if he mentions Jim Morrison on the show] Look, there's Garth, and his friend Wayne...the psychopath."

"I know all seven animal styles: The crane, the stag, the horse, the tiger, the bat, the rat, the monkey, the Beatle [imitates Ringo Starr]. I will take you."

"WPIG 95.7 as the Aurora radio station"

"Rich Fulcher as Garth's body double when they "travel to London""

"Joey Kramer as Himself (drummer of Aerosmith)"

"Tom Hamilton as Himself (bassist of Aerosmith)"

"Brad Whitford as Himself (rhythm guitarist of Aerosmith)"

"Joe Perry as Himself (lead guitarist of Aerosmith)"

"Steven Tyler as Himself (lead vocalist of Aerosmith)"

"Rip Taylor as Himself"

"Harry Shearer as "Handsome Dan""

"Bobby Slayton as the Watermelon Guy"

"Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk as nerds backstage at the concert"

"Tim Meadows as Sammy Davis, Jr."

"Ted McGinley as "Mr. Scream""

"Heather Locklear as Herself"

"Jay Leno as Himself"

"Charlton Heston as the "good actor" gas station attendant who replaces the "bad actor" Al Hansen"

"I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car, I put a dollar in I won a car."

"Couldn't you just roll us around on the bed again."

"I've got news for you Clark. I haven't said yes, yet."

"Well, I don't know what you would do with your horses, because, Clark likes to use the garage for the cars and the lawn mower."

"I love what you've done with the kitchenette."

"You find the Clark Griswold that I married and you tell him that I'm at the Mirage!"

"Could be worse...you could be pregnant again."

"Clark, this is a family trip. Can you try to stay with the family."

"(after an attempt to have sex with Clark in the bathroom goes horribly wrong) I'll never fly again."

"My pen burst. (after hotel employee notices Clark's arm is blue from falling in the plane's toilet)"

"Oh, Keno! This is easy."

"...and he want's to enter that garden, with a knowledge, and a mulch..."

"Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Rus."

"His name is not Papagiorgio. His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student!"

"Eddie, This is great! They don't have any of these games at the Mirage."

"It's my long-life food preservative. The FDA finally approved it!"

"That's nothing, it's a...birthmark."

"Hard six coming out."

"- "Gilly from Philly""

"- Mr. Ellis"

"- young Frank Sinatra impersonator/fake ID salesman"

"- themselves"

"- Mirage desk clerk"

"- "Girl in the Red Ferrari" (non-speaking cameo)"

"- Marty the Blackjack dealer"