"Well, how do you like that! We take the trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West,and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff who's Blacker than any Indian! I AM DEPRESSED!!"

"[on testing for quicksand] Horses? We cain't afford t'lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple'a niggers."

"A wed wose... how womantic."

"Tell me, "Tex ma'am", are you in show business? Well then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage!"

"Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaputt!"

"Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?"

"Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"

"Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks."

"Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in."

"[to Bart after he shoots and kills Lamarr] Wow, you shot the bad guy."

"[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad."

"[to Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land—the common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

"It got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street...and I heard a voice behind me shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around and there I was, face-to-face...with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"[his last line (referring to Douglas Fairbanks), after Bart shoots him outside Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?"

"You men will be risking only your lives.... whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor!"

"[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!"

"[monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?"

"There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L--land. See snatch.""

"Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degrees...! Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen! [A Chinese railroad worker collapses from heat exhaustion] Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job."

"Alright, here we go. Hold your ears, folks. It's showtime!"