Comedians From The United States

"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."

"When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment."

"In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."

"If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half."

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."

"When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again."

"There goes the neighborhood."

"My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks."

"My job is jester -- not advocate. I’m on a situation comedy responding to [Josh Radnor’s character] Ted Mosby and his wacky adventures -- that’s my job right now. If people want to comment about where I go to dinner, they are welcome to, but it’s not my job to respond to those statements. The Internet stuff threw me for a loop because I didn’t understand where the vitriol was coming from. I thought I had been representing well, and in turn it seemed like I was quickly condemned to step to the plate, and I was fine with that."

"I’m just really grateful and lucky that I get to keep existing in this business and existing by way of working as opposed to just being around the scene. So I love the process of making all of this. Being on set at the Sesame Workshop was one of the great things of last year for me. Getting just to work with Joss Whedon [on Dr.Horrible] for six days renegade-style was just unbelievable. Every week getting these new scripts and seeing what Barney Stinson gets to say and do is like a constant Christmas present. Things are swell."

"Playing gay in the theater is more fulfilling than on film because you can create a whole character and a backstory and you get to chip away at something over a long period of time. When you’re acting on film you sort of have one afternoon in front of a crew to just do it. And you don’t want to then be too overt and like that stereotype. But when I was doing A Paris Letter with Josh [Radnor], I was playing someone overtly flamboyant from the ’60s seducing him, and if I did that on film, I think it would look like I was acting too hard. It’s one of the fun things one wants to do as an actor, to play the flamboyant gay guy. But when you are gay that ends up being offensive to people. Say I was asked to play a flamboyant steward in an Airplane!–type farce. It would be a difficult decision to say yes to that role at this point because a lot of people would accuse me of making a mockery of gay people."

"[on being LGBT in show business] People in the business are equally as terrified now -- but I really find it a personal thing. And maybe I’m at the end of that era. I wouldn’t even want to stereotype today’s generation. But the majority of the casting departments are gay, and a lot of the executives are. I think it’s a matter of your abilities and how you carry yourself -- I don’t behave any differently toward you right now than when I am with David [Burtka, his boyfriend] in our apartment, watching "American Idol." OK, "So You Think You Can Dance." [Laughs] I can see why an agent wouldn’t want to sign on a real overtly effeminate male actor -- not because I have an aversion to them but because agents might know it limits their job opportunities."

"Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic."

"The Science you don't know looks like magic."

"Tension among a bunch of neurotics is just more interesting for a story than is a description of dedicated professionals doing their work and getting along, which is the case in reality. When in doubt, assume I made it up."

"Heinous fuckery most foul!"

"Oh to be young and in love (with 8 Chinese concubines)."

"This book you've read is just a story. I made it up. It is not designed to change anyone's beliefs or worldview, unless after reading it you've decided to be kinder to your fellow humans (which is okay), or you decide you really would like to teach yoga to an elephant, in which case, please get videotape."

"Sin is moist make a mental note."

"When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation."

"Moses should have said "Let my people go. Please.""

"Fornication with your daughters thats like a double dog sin."

"Your mother eats fungus from the feet of lepers."

"Fuckstockings!"

"Said I, in perfect fucking French."

"Gentle spook, if it is a warning you bring, state it true. If action you require, ask outright. If music you must make, play on- but by the wine-stained balls of Bacchus, speak your bloody business quick and clear and then be gone, before Time's iron tongue licks away my mercy bonk with second thoughts!"

"I fink I gots deaf on me willie."

"I shagged a ghost!"

"Great heroes have Great horniness."

"You should feel what it is like to pleasure a falcon. You lock talons with her in the sky and do it while you both are falling like meteors. You would like it; they never complain if you come too fast."

"If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it. If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil. If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape. If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions. All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not. May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them. May you find perfection, and know it by name."

"And once I shagged Regan on a platter of pork in front of Muslims."

"The Ghost: I'm sorry to haunt you while you're rogering the help. Pocket: The rogering has not commenced, wisp. I have barely bridled the horse for a moist and bawdy ride. Now, go away!"

"King Lear: What is your name? Kent / Caius: Caius. King Lear: And whence do you hale? Kent / Caius: From Bonking, Sire. King Lear: Well, yes, lad as do we all."

"King Lear: How hath my fool offended? Regan: He hath shagged me roughly, against my will, and finished too soon. King Lear: By force- Pocket? He isn't eight-stone on a feast day- he couldn't shag a cat by force. Pocket: That's not true, sire. If the cat is distracted with a trout, then - well, uh, never mind."

"Cordelia: You honor us, Fool. Did you hear rumors of small animals to hurt or were you hoping to accidentally surprise me in my bath again? Pocket: I was lost, Milady. Cordelia: A dozen times?"

"And so that is the story of how St. Rufus of Pipewrench was licked to death by marmots."

"Fancy a spot of stony bonking before vespers?"

"Mary: You can read? Pocket: I was raised in a nunnery, wench. I'm a walking library of learning bound in comely leather, suitable for stroking at your service, should you fancy a bit of culture to go with your lack of breeding...or vice verse of course."

"Regan: Smell him. He reeks of sex, like fish and mushroom and sweat, doesn't he? Pocket: Aye, your honor, I'm sure I have an odor about me. I must confess, I was sans trou today in the kitchen, while awaiting my laundry. Bubble had left a casserole out on the floor to cool, and it did trip me and I fell prick-deep in gravy and goo- but I was on my way to chapel at the time. King Lear: [To Pocket] You put your dick in my lunch? King Lear: [to the bailiff] The fool put his dick in my lunch? Regan: No, in your beloved daughter. King Lear: Quiet, girl! Captain Curran, send a guard to watch the bread and the cheese before the fool has his way with it."

"You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know."

"Pocket: Do you know that there's no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent? Kent: Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves. Pocket: Well, that's a scratchy spot of cat wank. But bloody well said."

"She's a bloody vision of loveliness."

"Saying that something is too terrible to joke about is like saying that a disease is too terrible to try to cure it."

"I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen. Thank you for reading."

"How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!"

"Because we don't want the first bit of sad, we put it away with phone,*beep*, for the food, you get a little fell kind of. You're never feel completely sad or completely happy, just feel kind of satisfied with your product. And then you die."