"All my life, my whole life, I've done what you want. I gave Mother up. You hated her, so we don't see her anymore. I gave my friends up. Do you know I haven't a single friend? I've got my family. Four girls, one sick boy, and you. I ask before I eat, sleep, or change my clothes, "Is this what Sunny wants?" And it never is. There's always more. Sweet Jesus, how much do you want of me?"

"Our diplomats will send some angry notes, a few generals will go on exercise, and everyone will be sensible again. All over Europe, the kings and queens are sleeping safely in their beds. And that's what we are going to do."

"Connie Booth:"

"Neil Innes:"

"Carol Cleveland:"

"Michael Palin:"

"Terry Jones:"

"Terry Gilliam:"

"Eric Idle:"

"John Cleese:"

"Graham Chapman:"

"And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren't quite the same as this one is."

"Sets The Cinema Back 900 Years!"

"Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic!"

"Timothy Dalton — Simon Skinner"

"Caroline Munro - Laura Bellows"

"Marsha Hunt - Gaynor Keating"

"Michael Coles - Inspector Murray"

"Christopher Neame - Johnny Alucard"

"Stephanie Beacham - Jessica Van Helsing"

"Peter Cushing - Lorrimer Van Helsing"

"Christopher Lee - Count Dracula"

"The time: now. The place: Kings Road, Chelsea. The killer: Count Dracula."

"The count is back, with an eye for London's hot pants... and a taste for everything."

"Past, present or future, never count out the Count!"

"Look, just to show I'm sorry, I got two tickets for the Jazz spectacular at the Albert Hall."

"Dig the music, kids. Let it flow into you. Give yourself up to it."

"[to Johnny] I have returned to destroy the house of Van Helsing forever, the old through the young. You and your line have been chosen."

"[to Van Helsing] You would play your brains against mine? Against me who has commanded nations?"

"My grandfather died fighting a vampire. The most terrible, most dangerous vampire of all time."

"Jessica, don't go near him! In God's name, don't touch him!"

"Do old ideas rest comfortably in an open mind?"

"[writing Johnny Alucard's name backwards] A disciple of Dracula. Oh my God!"

"— Inspector Frank Butterman"

"Sgt. Tony Fisher: [upon being presented with an obvious murder scene] Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?"

"Reverend Phillip Shooter: Fuck off, grasshopper! [after being shot]Jesus Christ!"

"Joyce Cooper: I hope you had a pleasant trip—fascist!"

"Met. Sergeant narrating: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born, schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training and displayed great attitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations. Received the Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas."

"[after tripping and impaling his chin on the spire of a model church] Ooooow...Thith...really...hurtth.... I'm...going...to need thome...icee... creeeeeam...."

"GET! [punch] OUT! [punch] OF MY! [punch] VILLAGE! [punch], [while fighting Angel]."

"[taking a ginger-haired boy hostage] Stay back! Or the ginger-nut gets it! [the child bites Skinner's hand and runs away] Ow! You little FUCKER!"

"My, my. Here come the Fuzz."

"Absolute tosh, wasn't it? It's annoying that the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sheri portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect."

"I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out..."

"I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped!"

"[After Nicholas corrects Danny's use of "policeman" to "police officer"] What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?"

""Do you want anything from the shop?" [repeated by Danny and Nicholas]"

"[cue to hit the sirens and rev the engine] Bring the noise!"

"You're off the fuckin' chain!"

"Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that, if you shoot it, it will blow up?"