"Peter Graves: Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that "never happened" from one of their files that "doesn’t exist"."

"When we're kids, before we're taught how to think, or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe."

"An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay."

"Oh, yummy. Someone I need to eat."

"Here's the deal. I lose, you lose. I win, everything keeps spinning."

"So feisty."

"Prisoners of MIB. The scum of the universe. Well, now it's the scum's turn."

"Silly little planet. I could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands."

"So what's it like on the outside? Not doin’ this every day?"

"Man, tell it to the hand."

"[after seeing the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures’ ”large adult entertainment section”] That's just nasty."

"[After K calls for him to leave, to Newton and Hailey] Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black."

"[After neuralizing Newton and Hailey] Okay, first, get some contact lenses, ‘cause joints look like they can pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia... move your bum ass out of your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old."

"[After the Worms accidentally shut down the MIB headquarters upon him and K taking it back] WORMS!!"

"Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, "Flush me J., Flush me." and I'd be like, "Naw.""

"About to lay the smack-down on your candy ass! (In homage to The Rock)"

"Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!"

"[after Frank the Pug suggests the "good cop, bad cop thing"] How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?"

"[J has just saved a whole subway of passengers from being eaten alive by Jeff, the giant worm-like alien, who chewed off about 98% of the subway train before retreating] [Neuralizes subway passengers] The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all woulda been eaten. 'Cause you don't listen. You're ignorant. How a man gon' come bashin' thru a subway when — That's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, we seen it all." [feigning fear] "Oh, no! A 600 ft. worm! Save us, Mr. Black Man!" And I come in, I ask ya nice, move to the next car! Y'all just sit there like...[Neuralizes subway passengers again, regains his composure] Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our new, smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening. [walks off, neuralizing Capt. Bridgewater in the process]"

"Transit Authority, people! We need to move to the forward car, there's a bug in the electrical system. [passengers ignore him] Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!"

"[to Jeff] Sweet dreams, big boy!"

"Jeff, excuse my partner. He's new and he's... [Jeff attacks T]...kinda stupid."

"It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city."

"Get a mop, and escort all civilian personnel from this site immediately. [After coffee has been spilt at the post office.]"

"Robert Duvall - Captain Spurgeon "Fish" Tanner"

"Charles Martin Smith - Dr. Marcus Wolf"

"Kurtwood Smith - Otis Hefner"

"Dougray Scott - Eric Vennekor"

"Morgan Freeman - President Tom Beck"

"Blair Underwood - Mark Simon"

"Leelee Sobieski - Sarah Hotchner"

"Richard Schiff - Don Biederman"

"Mary McCormack - Andrea "Andy" Baker"

"Laura Innes - Beth Stanley"

"Jon Favreau - Dr. Gus Partenza"

"Ron Eldard - Oren Monash"

"James Cromwell - Alan Rittenhouse"

"Rya Kihlstedt - Chloë Lerner"

"Maximilian Schell - Jason Lerner"

"Vanessa Redgrave - Robin Lerner"

"Elijah Wood - Leo Biederman"

"Tea Leoni - Jenny Lerner"

"Cities fall. Oceans rise. Hope survives."

"Heaven and Earth are about to collide."

"Leo Biederman: [to his parents] I have to go back for Sarah."

"Jason Thurman: Hey, Leo, now that you're famous, you'll get a lot more sex than anyone else in your class."

"[last line] We watched as the bombs shattered the second comet into a million pieces of ice and rocks that burned harmlessly in our atmosphere, and lit up the sky for an hour. Still, we were left with the devastation of the first. The waters reached as far inland as the Ohio and Tennessee Valleys. It washed away farms and towns, forests and skyscrapers, but the water receded. The wave hit Europe and Africa, too. Millions were lost, countless more left homeless, but the waters receded. Cities fall, but they are rebuilt. And heroes die, but they are remembered. We honor them with every brick we lay, with every field we sow, with every child we comfort and then teach to rejoice in what we have been regiven. Our planet, our home. So now, let us begin."

"Our missiles have failed. The comets are still headed for Earth, and there's nothing we can do to stop them. So, this is it. If the world does go on, it will not go on for everyone. We have now been able to calculate the comet's final trajectories, and we have determined where they're going to strike. The smaller of the two comets, Biederman, will hit first, somewhere in the Atlantic Seaboard, probably off the waters of Cape Hatteras, in just under twelve hours, at 4:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time. The impact of the comet is going to be... well, disastrous. There will be a very large tidal wave moving quickly through the Atlantic Ocean. It'll be 100 feet high, travelling at 1,100 miles per hour. That's faster than the speed of sound. As the wave reaches shallow water, it's going to slow down, but the wave height, depending on the shelf off the coast will be anywhere from 1,000 to 3,500 feet high. Where the land is flat, the wave will wash inland, 600 to 700 miles. The wave will hit our nation's capital forty minutes after impact. New York City, Boston, Atlanta, Philadelphia, all will be destroyed. If you have any means of escaping the path of this wave, leave now. The impact of the larger comet will be nothing less than an extinction level event. It will strike land in Western Canada, three hours after Biederman. Within a week, the skies will be dark with dust from the impact and they will stay dark for two years. All plant life will dead within... four weeks. Animal life within... a few months. So, that's it. Good luck to us all."

"I wish... No, wishing is wrong. It's the wrong word right now. That's not what I mean. What I mean is, I believe in God. I know a lot of you don't, but I would like to offer a prayer for our survival, mine included. Because I believe that God, whomever you hold that to be, hears all prayers, even if sometimes the answer is no. So may the Lord bless you, may the Lord keep you, may the Lord lift his divine countenance upon you, and give you peace."

"Hello, America. It is my unhappy duty to report to you that the Messiah has failed. This computer-enhanced radar image from Houston shows how the detonation succeeded, however, did not destroy the comet. There are now two pieces, one six miles wide, the other a mile and a half. Both are still on a path towards Earth. We've lost communication with the Messiah spacecraft although we continue to track it visually. We don't know how many are alive. We don't know their condition. Now we have to make some decisions together. What do we do? You have a choice. We have a choice right now. Ever since the comet was discovered, we've been hoping and working for the best, but we've also been planning for the worst. Our strategy has been twofold: First, our strategic missile command has been coordinating with the Russians a massive strike of Titan missiles to intercept the comets. If we can deflect these comets enough, they will bounce harmlessly off our atmosphere, and head on out into space. Unfortunately, the Titans cannot be launched until the comets are ony a few hours away, and while we are confident the missile attack will succeed, it is only prudent that we now take cautionary steps to ensure the continuation of our way of life, to guarantee that there will be enough of us left to rebuild a new world in the unlikely event that the comets do strike the Earth. So, in the soft limestone of Missouri, we've been preparing a network of immense caves, and they're almost finished. And we can put a million people in them. And that million people can survive there, underground, for two years, until the air clears, and the dust settles. Now the cave is more than a dormitory. It's our new Noah's Ark. We're storing seeds and seedlings, plants, animals, enough to start over. On August 10, a computer will randomly select 800,000 Americans, to join the 200,000 scientists, doctors, engineers, teachers, soldiers and artists who have already been chosen. Other countries are preparing similar caves along whatever lines they feel are best to preserve their way of life. This is ours. Beginning tonight and continuing tonight until the crisis passes, I am declaring a state of martial law. The armed forces and the National Guard are working with local law enforcement. A national curfew begins at midnight tonight. Now wherever you are, go home. Stay off the roads after sunset. Crimes against persons or property will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. News stations around the nation are being faxed copies of the lottery procedure as we speak and they'll be broadcasting the details to you in a few moments."