"In Edinburgh? I quite like the City Cafe. Because you never get served in there. And I like the idea that you can go in there for three hours and still not get your order. I think that’s quite funny. And then when you say ‘Can I have some food - I’m wasting away,’ they have the audacity to tut at you. When there’s only four of you in there. Fuckers. They should all be shot in the face. Sorry. I’m only joking. And I’m really tired."

"[When asked if he used to go onstage dressed as Jesus with a watercolour beard]"

"I had a garter snake named Clayton."

"[When suggested he could have invented crisps] I couldn’t have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil."

"[When asked if he could think of a cure for a dog who eats soil]"

"I used to suck [Smarties] until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them."

"[When asked if he has a favorite woodland creature]"

"[When asked if he varies the animals in his comedy depending on where he performs]"

"I think I should be in a [Disney animated] film called ‘Space Shrews’. Where I go to space. With a load of shrews. And nothing really happens. We just get out and have a lolly and then come back. But it’ll be a musical [...] the ship will be built out of my own hair."

"I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps."

"I definitely have a sexual ego thing. But if I'm suggestive, it's in a nice way. Luckily, no one's ever been hurt...a few girls have passed out, that's all."

"Like a heartbeat. Something inside me. Some dream. I think it's being a dreamer as a child. Dreamy kids become actors, don't they?"

"I hear that the no-smoking crowd are now operating at the National. Surely that sort of mentality doesn't belong in a theatre, it isn't a place where you impose rules on people, it's a dirty radical place where an actor can work with a fag in his hand."

"The thing about performance, even if it’s only an illusion, is that it is a celebration of the fact that we do contain within ourselves infinite possibilities."

"Now, I had heard that he was a little bit intense, right? But he's not, really. He's really the most intense person that has ever lived on Earth. All he is doing is sitting in a chair and I am terrified of him."

"You don’t merely give over your creativity to making a film—you give over your life! In theatre, by contrast, you live these two rather strange lives simultaneously; you have no option but to confront the mould on last night’s washing-up."

"Being at the centre of a film is a burden one takes on with innocence—the first time. Thereafter, you take it on with trepidation."

"Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love, But—why did you kick me down stairs?"

"When you read the sacred Scriptures, or any other book, never think how you read, but what you read."

"You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?""

"I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike."

"I understand that there's a large party of Scottish people here tonight... [Silence] I'll kill that researcher!"

"Anyone got a van? [Silence] That's right, you never see them any more, do you, vans. Trying to spoil my DVD?"

"I've got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up there is a slight delay on the line after I've spoken because she's a bit thick."

"The left side of the brain is responsible for speech, but then it would say that."

"Nan, she died again, tragically. We decided to get her embalmed, we threw a bit of money at it. And the embalmer asked us if we had any photos of Nan that he could work from. But unfortunately, the only photo we had was of Nan on the log-flume at Alton Towers."

"Why is it only Tudor buildings we mock?"

"You know, he burned his first ever pair of shoes, because when he was a kid, the Earth was still hot. Thats how old he is!"

"He went on Friends Reunited and Moses got back in touch with him. Thats how old he is!"

"You know, he cries every time he sees a fossil, because he remembers it when it was running around. Thats how old he is!"

"He remembers when lizards were fish. Thats how old he is!"

"He went down to Portsmouth once, to visit the Mary Rose, and was surprised to learn that it had sunk. Thats how old he is!"

"We've been together now for forty years, An' it don't seem a day too much, There ain't a lady livin' in the land As I'd "swop" for my dear old Dutch."

"Wot cher! all the neighbours cried, Who yer gonna meet, Bill, Have yer bought the street, Bill? Laugh! I thought I should've died, Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road."

"She wears a artful bonnet, feathers stuck upon it, Coverin' a fringe all curled; She's just about the sweetest, prettiest and neatest Doner in the wide, wide world! And she'll be Missis 'Awkins, Missis 'En'ry 'Awkins, Got 'er for to name the day; Settled it last Monday, so to church on Sunday, Off we trots the donkey shay!"

"We was as ’appy as could be that day Down at the Welsh ’Arp, which is ’Endon way."

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."

"I think it would a good idea now if all the ugly ones came and sat down near the front! You have! Good!"

"Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny."

"Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them."

"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?"

"I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer."

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works."

"Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!"

"You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox."

"I disagree with Les. We always found good cunt at the Lyceum. Friendly cunt, clean cunt, spare cunt, jeans and knicker stuffed full of nice juicy hairy cunt, handfuls of cunt, palmful grabbing the cunt by the stem, or the root – infantile memories of cunt – backrow slides – slithery oily cunt, the cunt that breathes – the cunt that’s neatly wrapped in cotton, in silk, in nylon, that announces, that speaks or thrusts, that winks that’s squeezed in a triangle of furtive cloth backed by an arse that’s creamy, springy billowy cushiony tight, knicker lined, knicker skinned, circumscribed by flowers and cotton, by views, clinging knicker, juice ridden knicker, hot knicker, wet knicker, swelling vulva knicker, witty cunt, teeth smiling the eyes biting cunt, cultured cunt, culture vulture cunt, finger biting cunt, cunt that pours, cunt that spreads itself over your soft lips, that attacks, cunt that imagines – cunt you dream about, cunt you create as a Melba, a meringue with smooth sides – remembered from school boys’ smelly first cunt, first foreign cunt, amazing cunt – cunt that’s cruel. Cunt that protects itself and makes you want it even more cunt – cunt that smells of the air, of the earth, of bakeries, of old apples, of figs, of sweat of hands of sour yeast of fresh fish cunt. So – are we going Les? We might pick up a bit of crumpet."