Absurdism

"And who is this pure fool? Lo, in the sagas of old time, legend or scald, of bard, of druid, cometh he not in green like spring? O thou water thou art air, in which all complex is resolved! Oh, yes! Fill the churches with dirty thoughts! Introduce honesty to the White House! Write letters in dead languages to people you've never met! Paint filthy words on the foreheads of children! Burn your credit cards and wear high heels! Asylum doors stand open! Fill the suburbs with murder and rape! Divine madness! Let there be ecstasy, ecstasy in the streets! Laugh and the world laughs with you!"

""Very neat! That ugly head of yours does have a brain!" - Batman #1"

"Oh Bats, how I've missed you! All the subtlety and nuance of a napalm enema."

"5! ...4! ...3! ...2! ...1! See ya soon, Bats. ...What are you waiting for? We both know how this is going to turn out: you're going to come and find me. You can't stop yourself, can you? Sometimes I wonder if all this would just end with one of us looking down at the other's corpse, trying to work out what to do next? The only question is, whose body will it be? I know who I'm rooting for! [giggles] What about you? [laughs madly] Now, get out of there now, or you'll ruin everything!!!"

"[when Tommy Mangles is about to murder the Joker after telling him that apologies don't work] "Really? [attacks Mangles repeatedly] Well, what if I was really sorry? Would that make a-- difference? Would that satisfy you? If I was really... really... REALLY... REALLY... REALLY... SORRY? WELL, I'M NOT!""

""I won't even waste the usual Joker Venom on you, Brute, but give you something you can understand...lead! - Batman #1"

"(to Judge Drake) "You can't win anyway... You see, I hold the winning card!" - Batman #1"

""If the police expect to play against the Joker, they'd better be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!" - Batman #1"

"(to Superman) "More powerful than a locomotive, and just about as subtle." - Superman/Batman: World's Finest"

""One by One, they'll hear my call. Then this wicked town, will follow my fall." - Batman: The Man Who Laughs"

"Is someone feeling a little down? Well, cheer up, Bats; it won't kill ya.... Oops!"

"It's ok to die, Bats, I'll be here to protect Gotham! I'll do a real good job."

"Now you wanna talk? Too late."

"So how do you keep a secret from the World's Greatest Detective? Well, do you know? You stick it right in front of him, right under his long pointy nose, and wait."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, standing in for yours truly, ha, and doing a damn fine job of it, I bring you... CLAYFACE!"

""You're making me late for spa treatment. I mean, it's not like you've got a girl to save anymore, is it?! [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry! Too soon? Would a change of scenery help ease the pain?" [detonates the floor below Batman and Clayface]"

"[After being told by Batman that he would have saved him after ensuring his own death] "That actually is... [coughs] pretty funny..." [Joker dies laughing with a smile on his face]"

"Have you ever tried to burp the National Anthem?"

"Well, sounds like I can cross 'hear a grown man cry' off my Christmas list. Thanks, fellas!"

"[over radio] "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, must be a bad connection. It sounded like you said that after I shot him, and blew up a building on him, the Bat - somehow survived?!!? ...Well, since I know that's impossible, I'm going to give you a chance to reconcile my vision of reality with your version of reality, and in case your pea-brain can't parse big words, I'll translate it into thug-speak for you: KILL THE BAT OR I'LL KILL YOU!""

"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a...' well a Bat was stirring. But a few more blows to the head and he won't be anymore!"

"You just can't get it through your thick skull...WE BOTH EXIST BECAUSE OF THEM!!"

"Aww, gotta say, I thought you'd have more fight in you! A LOT more fight!"

"Ding dong! The bat is dead! Which old bat? The dumb old bat! Ding dong, the dumb old bat is dead!"

"I've really got to hand it to Scarecrow. I've never been a fan of his concoctions up to now, but this batch, it's intoxicating. It really brings out the me in you."

"Off to see mom and pop in that great big county club in the sky!"

"[sees that Gordon has taken the bullet for Warden Joseph] "Well, that's the Christmas spirit!""

"[after Batman has "killed" Bane] "Well, I'd love to stay and celebrate your victory, but I've got stockings to stuff, mistletoe to hang - and about fifteen skyscrapers to blow up before sunrise. Ciao." [leaves with a laugh]"

"[laugh] Stopped his hearth... [laugh] That IS funny... [laugh] Good one, Bats! [laugh] Oh, this is going to be FUN!"

"All aboard the Bane train!"

"Isn't it funny how one little encounter can cleave off little pieces of your past, deform your memories and persona until you rethink your whole identity — and as you realise how foolish it all is — your laughter reverberates off the walls of your own emptiness?"

"Bats? Bats?? BAAATS!?!"

"I've fucked a thousand women, half again as many boys, some sheep, pigs, a few chickens, and the odd turtle."

"Making someone who is seeking comfort stand out in the cold is a crock of rancid yak butter."

"Festering dog penis!"

"Pork eating goat fucker!"

"Hey Josh, Balthazar sodomizing you?"

"'Amid all the musical laments over not having a heart, a brain, or the nerve did anyone notice that they didn't have a penis among them? I'd think it would have shown on the Lion and the Tin Man, and when the Scarecrow had his pants de-stuffed, you don't see a flying monkey waving an arrant straw johnson around anywhere do ya? I think I know what song I'd be singing: 'Oh I would while away the hours/Wanking in the flowers/My heart all full of song/I'd be gilding all the lilies/As I waved about my willy/If only I had a schlong.'""

"Verily I say unto you that should a man put oil upon a woman’s naked body and make her go upon all fours and bark like a dog while knowing her, if you know what I mean, then he has committed adultery, and surely if a woman does the same thing right back, well she has jumped on the adultery donkey cart her own self and if a woman should pretend to be a powerful queen and a man a lowly slave boy and if she should call him humiliating names and make him lick upon her body, then surely they have sinned like big dogs and woe onto the man if he pretends to be a powerful queen…"

"Smite the sons of bitches Josh!"

"I really like your concubines. The other night Pillows was giving me a back rub after a long day of studying and I started getting this massive…"

"He has asked if you would like to feel the power of his manly nakedness"

"Yah, I'm going to take advice from someone who fucks turtles."

"The Sin of Onan, the sin that takes hundreds of hours to get right, or at least what I told myself"

"Jeff Doucette - Desk Sergeant"

"Aaron Lustig - Synedyne Supervisor"

"Rudolf Martin - Raoul"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Priest"

"Toby Huss - Jerry / Alejandro / Beach Jock / Jerry Turner / Lance"

"Miriam Shor - Carol / Penthouse Hostess"