"It got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street...and I heard a voice behind me shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around and there I was, face-to-face...with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"[his last line (referring to Douglas Fairbanks), after Bart shoots him outside Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?"

"You men will be risking only your lives.... whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor!"

"[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!"

"[monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?"

"There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L--land. See snatch.""

"Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degrees...! Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen! [A Chinese railroad worker collapses from heat exhaustion] Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job."

"Alright, here we go. Hold your ears, folks. It's showtime!"

"Sir, he specifically requested two niggers. Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch."

"Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over... affairs of state."

"Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. [turns to the bosom of a female staffer] Hello boys! Have a good night's rest? I missed you!"

"Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, do you see this gun? It fires 750 rounds of nine millimeter ammunition per minute. In other words, if all of you simultaneously were to rush me, not a single one of you would get any closer than you are right now. I do hope I've made myself understood."

"M. Emmet Walsh — The Sniper"

"Carl Reiner — Himself"

"Jackie Mason — Harry Hartouinian"

"Catlin Adams — Patty Bernstein"

"Bernadette Peters — Marie Kimble Johnson"

"Steve Martin — Navin R. Johnson / Cat Juggler (as Pig-Eye Jackson)"

"From rags to riches... to rags."

"He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted."

"Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. [picks up an ashtray] An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. [picks up chair] The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. [picks up magazine] The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [Shithead growls at him] Well, I don't need my dog."

"Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!"

"[singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!"

"Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy."

"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."

"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."

"Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi."

"Doris Roberts - Jessie, Mayor's Wife"

"Kenneth McMillan - Harry, Borough Commander"

"Rudy Bond - Phil, Police Commissioner"

"Nathan George - Ptl. James"

"Tony Roberts - Deputy Mayor Warren LaSalle"

"You a policeman? [cop nods] Well done. The mayor will go to your funeral. [raises his gun and points it at the cop's head]"

"Julius Harris - Inspector Daniels"

"Jerry Stiller - Lt. Rico Patrone"

"Beatrice Winde - Mrs. Jenkins"

"Tom Pedi - Caz Dolowicz"

"Lee Wallace - Al, the Mayor"

"Dick O'Neill - Frank Correll"

"James Broderick - Denny Doyle"

"Earl Hindman - Mr. Brown - George Steever"

"Hector Elizondo - Mr. Grey - Joe Welcome"

"Martin Balsam - Mr. Green - Harold Longman"

"Robert Shaw - Mr. Blue - Bernard Ryder"

"Walter Matthau - Lt. Zachary 'Z' Garber"

"No other hijack was ever like this."

"Everyone read it. Now you can live it."

"Before this train reaches the next station, it will become the scene of the most spectacular hijack ever attempted."

"We are going to kill one passenger a minute until New York City pays us 1 million dollars."

"Hooker: Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Can't anybody count? They all four got off! There's nobody driving the fucking train!"