The Stanley Parable

"The Narrator: As the machine whirled into motion, and Stanley and the bucket inched closer to their demise, Stanley reflected on how meaningless the bucket's warmth and comfort had turned out to be."

"The Curator: No man can own a bucket, and certainly not a bucket as dazzling to behold as this one. It is man who should kneel before the bucket."

"This is the Bucket Destroyer. I think it'll make a wonderful new addition to the rich lore of The Stanley Parable. True, it also was not in the original game but it's such a well fleshed-out character with so much personality that, to me, it already feels as though it's been a part of the cast all along, don't you agree?"

"Can you guess what the Bucket Destroyer does? Surely you don't need me to spell it out for you."

"Now listen to me, it's crucial that you give it the bucket. Destroying buckets is all it knows! That is its singular personality trait! Sure, I can hear you saying: "How does a character with only one personality trait deserve to join the pantheon of beloved Stanley Parable characters?" Well you see, if you were to really explore the Bucket Destroyer you'd see that its desire to crush buckets is so densely loaded with complexity and nuance that it's really like ten personality traits! What other object in this game can you even say that about? The broom closet? Certainly not. I wonder what sort of Bucket Destroyer merchandise the fans will be clamoring for after this."

"The Bucket Destroyer... my prized creation. You had so much potential. We were going to do such marvelous things with you. Tell such spellbinding stories about you. All if it squandered now. Goodbye, new friend. For the moment in time that you were here you were magnificent."

"Aha, fascinating! What do you think this game is about, Stanley? What's our backstory? What is our motivation? Hmm. Well it seems obvious to me that you are meant to play as a creepy man spying on innocent civilians below you from up high in your creep-tower, perhaps for some twisted, erotic purpose. Hmm. Yes, that must be it. What a fascinating venture into the experience of total mental depravity."

"Wonderful! See, this is exactly what I had in mind! Just a nice big box for you to run around in. There isn't any possibility that you could get lost here! Now this is game design! Stanley, if you manage to get lost in this game, I will be phenomenally impressed. Okay, so what exactly do we do here, let's see. There are lots of cars here in the back, but obviously there's no racetrack. Okay, I'm seeing that there's a ball of some kind back here. Is this game Sportsball? Stanley, I think it's Sportsball!"

"As soon as Stanley noticed that the door to his office was still open, he rushed in with his bucket and shut the door. The pressure of going out and finding another bucket variant on one of The Stanley Parable's classic endings was simply too much for him. "It's nothing but swapped out dialogue describing a bucket!" he screamed to himself. "It's not nearly different enough to be considered a true sequel!""

"Video narrator: If you've ever told a joke or made someone laugh, in all likelihood, you did it while standing 50-80 centimetres from them, in a room of no more than 76 degrees Fahrenheit, with one of your arms raised straight upward at a fifteen degree angle from your body. These are the optimal conditions for good comedic timing."

"Video narrator: To begin the joke, start by stating and spelling your name. Next, provide a brief synopsis of the joke, including the specific times at which the recipient of the joke will laugh. And then spell out your name a second time. With these steps complete, it's time to begin the humor. Speak the entire joke in no more than eighteen seconds, and no less than thirteen and a half, pausing only for bathroom breaks when necessary. When the joke has concluded, it is customary to inform your listener that the joke is over by declaring in your loudest possible voice, "I'm doney with the funny!" Let's practice screaming: "I'm doney with the funny!" now."

"Video narrator: After all, we're each of us needed on the front lines of the war to fight the twelve-legged invaders who threaten our very existence, and are very likely to die in a hailstorm of bullets and mandibles. All of us must be prepared to give our lives to this noble cause, just as our children must do after us, and their children after them. God speed, and may Earth reign supreme!"

"You didn't think I was actually just a recording, did you? What a silly and trite explanation that would be! All the back and forth between you and me, all the absurd adventures we've been through, and it all turns out I'm just a tape recording? “It was all just in Stanley's head!” I bet that's the kind of twist you think is revelatory! I bet each and every time you watch a movie where it turns out all to be in the main character's imagination, you must absolutely bolt off the couch in pure shock at the phenomenal and intricate storytelling! It must be so simple to be you. Life being an unending waterfall of surprises and delights. How much more exciting you must find the world than the rest of us do."

"Dominik Johann: You did it... Good job, you did it! Good job! Okay... [clears throat] Three, two, one. Good job, you made it to the bottom of the Mind Control Facility. You jumped down the catwalk. You should have been careful, you should have been careful. It used to be a bug, but now it's an ending, yeah now it's an ending. And I believe in you. I believe in your ability to cross this barrier, and chase your dreams. Railings don't mean anything. Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it! Good job, you did it!"

""Yes," whispered the bucket into Stanley's ear. "We've done it. We've escaped from that dull office and that pesky narrator. At last, out here in the white void, we are alone. Now, and for the first time, I can reveal to you my true self." The bucket began to tell Stanley of its life and its history. Of the countless wars it witnessed desecrating the land and lives of untold numbers of innocent humans and the bucket's own complicity therein. Of sadness and regret and the many years it spent dwelling on the actions it might have taken to curb the madness and the decay. If only it had been stronger. Of hope and redemption and its crusade to uplift the stock of life for the common man. To manifest justice where none existed. And the bittersweet reality of time, to see one's dreams and wishes met halfway. Meted out in parcels like charity and abandoned as soon as the warm glow of inspiration begins to dim. The opportunities to do so much more. There was so much it could have done."

"You didn't think I was actually just a recording, did you? What a silly and trite explanation that would be! All the back and forth between you and me, all the absurd adventures we've been through, and it all turns out I'm just a tape recording? It was all just in Stanley's head! I bet that's the kind of twist you think is revelatory! I bet each and every time you watch a movie where it turns out all to be in the main character's imagination, you must absolutely bolt off the couch in pure shock at the phenomenal and intricate storytelling! It must be so simple to be you. Life being an unending waterfall of surprises and delights. How much more exciting you must find the world than the rest of us do. [Sigh] Now I've become sad. Look what you've done to me. This is all your fault."

"Okay, this is day number 295, tape number... I don't even know, I've lost track. Nothing feels real anymore. The longer I study this bucket the less sense anything makes. The sheer euphoria I feel every time I pick it up, no matter how many times I've done it, it's always the same feeling. And the emptiness in my chest when I set it down. It doesn't make sense! There's no explanation for it! I still haven't figured out why I see the world so differently when this bucket is in my arms. Why everything feels so... What do I do with this treasure? I can... I can monetize it. Yes... It's unthinkable the amounts of money people will pay for even just an hour with the bucket. This is my golden ticket. But I have to be careful, because as soon as this gets out there's going to be a target on my back. Even now, I don't know who might be trying to get - [Strange otherworldly noises] What's that? Who's there? [Whispering] Gambhorra'ta..."

"[After you first enter the Skip Button room.]"

"[After you press the Skip Button for the First time]"

"[After you press the Skip Button for the Third time.]"

"[After you press the Skip Button for the Sixth time.]"

"[After you press the Skip Button for the Ninth time.]"

"[After you press the Skip Button for the Eleventh time.]"

"Oh, hello hello hello! Welcome to the Stanley Parable Live Demonstration! It will be my pleasure to guide you through this sneak-peek at what to expect in the Stanley Parable. A tease - just enough to leave you hungry for more! How exciting. Can't you just feel that nervous tension? The booming uncertainty? Why don't we drink in the anticipation for a moment, just for... 20 minutes or so. Please, for just 20 minutes, don't move or act in any way. Simply remain motionless, and let the thrill of demoing the Stanley Parable wash over you."

"Ah, here is one such technology. These buttons are meant to convey the meaning of choice and the impact of the decisions you make. After all, choices carry tremendous meaning and consequence; didn't you know that? Go ahead, why don't you try picking one of these buttons to press and we'll see what your choice says about you."

"How fascinating. Did you know that 94% of all people who select that particular button are sexual predators. You see, our choices really illuminate the very intangible nature of our minds and souls. Pervert."

"This device tells you whether or not you're inside a video game demonstration. Somewhere around here, there's also a device that tells you whether or not you're inside a device that tells you whether or not you're inside a video game demonstration."

"One of the most important parts of administering any demonstration is pumping up your ego and appealing to insecurities about your sense of self worth. That's why we use this room to develop cheap compliments to shower on the player during the demo."

"My heavens! I've never met someone who can consume as much uranium in a single sitting as you can! Just look at you go!"

"Of all people I know who are playing this exact demo at this exact moment and standing in this exact room, your performance is easily in the top 5,000! Top 4,700 even! I won't go as far as 4,600..."

"[After entering the Discovery Booth] It was though and within the shame he carried that ocean breezed adrift. The fierceness of the tides, the inevitable collapse of their kingdoms, washed ashore, the rift of shame, martyrs devoid of a cause, ripping and tearing at the eternal seams. A vessel without a captain, carrying itself like plastic in the wind, hinting at a purpose that was truer in some distant memory. If only it could decipher through time's veneer, whose memory it wanted to be!"

"[After entering the Despair Booth] Where did these cliffs go? These cracks that we stood upon... They shielded us from our own ignorance... spoke coddling words and wrapped our vulnerabilities in a woolen cloth, that so many times I've tried to set aflame. If I knew these comforts now, would their fibers be any more sensitive to the heat of my touch? Perhaps it was the cold I desired most of all. That empress to whom my flesh was always invisible... A hammock for the bones... Waiting to be touched, and to be known..."

"[Leaving after going into neither booth] Ah, no, I get it. Can't risk experiencing emotions. Well, I must say, I have a certain respect for you and your cold unfeeling husk of an existence."

"[Leaving after going into only one booth] Couldn't do more than one booth? Well, I don't blame you. People always want to do both booths, and then they're just crying and crying and completely missing the demo, and it's awkward for everyone."

"[Leaving after going into both booths] Oh, you went in both booths?! Oh, how vulnerable of you. If at any point in the demo you need to cry, just let me know and we can take a minute."

"This is where we determine whether or not the demo has been effective! Whether it's conveyed the wit and soul of The Stanley Parable in such a compelling way that you reach immediately for your credit card to purchase the main game!"

"We've put so much work into the demonstration, wouldn't it be a shame if you rushed right into a purchasing decision without savoring it first?"

"Everything you need to know about how video game demos are made! However, it's still important that we address safety concerns. Please, closely observe the following possible negative side effects of playing The Stanley Parable. If you agree to be held 100% responsible for any and all injury or long term damage - mental, physical or otherwise - that may occur while playing the demo, please do not press the large red glowing "disagree" button at this time."

"In the event that you do experience one or all of the previously listed symptoms, let's establish a signal for you to convey to me that you wish the demonstration to be terminated. Please step into the dance perimeter. Please perform a dance. Your dance has been recorded. In the event that you feel confused or disorientated by anything you see inside the demo, perform that dance and I will terminate the demo immediately."

"Okay, I'm lost. Let's just get back to the green room and start the demo again. I must have done something wrong the first time."

"[If you stay in the room for a bit.] Okay you know that no one is checking numbers, right? You can just... go. You can do it right now. Literally right this second. I don't know how no-one figures this out. We could be back at the demo by this time. Are you... are you enjoying this? Watching numbers tick down slowly? Well please, don't let me stop you."

"[If you stay in the room for a bit longer.] If somehow you're associating the joy of this room with the joy of playing The Stanley Parable then by all means! Continue! The full version of The Stanley Parable contains all the ecstasy you are now experiencing, and so, so, so much more!"

"[If you stay in the room for even longer.] My goodness, this room really means something special to you, doesn't it? Is it a connection? A spark? Something between you and this room that runs... deeper? Well, I... I have to say, I'm... I'm really quite moved. You know what? Go ahead, take your time. I'll wait."

"[What The Narrator say when you first enter the room]"

"[The first time The Narrator comments on you continuing to stay in this room]"

"[The second time The Narrator comments on you continuing to stay in this room]"

"[The third time The Narrator comments on you continuing to stay in this room]"

"[The fourth time The Narrator comments on you continuing to stay in this room]"

"[The last time The Narrator comments on you continuing to stay in this room]"

"Okay, this is new, this is different. Surely there must be a game somewhere in here. Okay okay how about this cup. Go pick up the cup. [You pick up the cup] Alright, now put it in, um... in the bin."