Brainiac: Science Abuse

"...that thinks salad is for wimps."

"...that doesn't wipe its feet before stepping on your granny's new carpet."

"...that does for science what a milkmaid does for udders."

"...that grabs science by the sideburns and makes it stand outside the headmaster's study."

"...that tickles science until it wets its pants."

"...that ties a 30-metre bungee cord around the legs of science and chucks it off a 20-metre bridge."

"...that does for science what nitro does for glycerin."

"...that blindfolds science and takes it for a joyride."

"...that puts physics, chemistry, biology and French people into a blender and then has it for breakfast."

"...that laughs in the face of science."

"...that other science shows cross over the road to avoid."

"...that does for science what Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does for Australian football."

"...that’s got more stuffing than your mum’s turkey."

"...that knows where the presents are hidden."

"...that doesn't write “thank you” letters."

"...that does for science what a naked flame does for a petrol station forecourt."

"...that doesn't wash its hands after going to the loo."

"...that pulls a moonie in the face of science."

"...that bunks off work early."

"...that puts its feet up on your mum's best furniture."

"...where science stays up late, way past its bedtime."

"...that farts in the jacuzzi of human knowledge."

"...that gets on the bus without paying its fare."

"...that's so hard, you can crack nuts with it."

"...that makes up the rules as it goes along."

"...that's missing its two front teeth."

"...that drills a hole and has a peep next door."

"...that ties together the shoelaces of science."

"...that walks straight through your house in muddy boots."

"...that gets other people to do its homework."

"...that always leaves the toilet seat up."

"...that tells you the truth: Father Christmas is real, and we've got the proof."

"...that puts worms in the pockets of science."

"...that scribbles in the textbooks of science."

"...that has your neighbor's curtains twitching."

"...that poos in a petri dish - and leaves you to do the explaining."

"...an itchy rash on the buttocks of science."

"...that does for science what a pair of pliers does for a toothache."

"...a gale-force wind on the comb-over of science."

"...that puts the "fizz" into "physics"."

"...that strips science of its dignity and sends it home to its mum."

"...that takes science out to dinner and then leaves without paying."

"...that wipes bogies under the desk of science."

"...for the chemically challenged."

"...a shedful of explosives in the allotment of science."

"...you have to wash your hands after watching."

"...a paper bag on the ugly face of science."

"(A lot of times) Do not try this at home."

"...that does for science what lunchboxes do for sprinters."

"...that does for science what badly-thrown javelins do for hot dog salesmen."