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"OK, here's the situation. If I tell on you, you’ll be in big trouble and I don’t think you want that. But then you’ll tell on me and my mother and we’ll be in trouble which I don’t want. And if you tell my mother I know, then she’ll kick you out, which you don’t want. And if I tell my mother I know, then you’ll cut off my Nazi head, which I also don’t want. So it's a Mexican stalemate."

"[a fake letter from Elsa's fiance Nathan] Dear Elsa, this is hard for me to say but, I don't want to marry you anymore. I found a new woman, and we laugh a lot, and do the tongue kiss."

"[a second letter apologizing] I just wanted to let you know that I don't want to break up with you now. I don't want you to kill yourself over me, which a couple of girls have done in the past, and it's pretty stressful. I need you to stay alive. Thank God you've been taken care of by that kid, who I must say is a remarkable young man beyond his years. And brave too."

"No news from Nathan today, I'm afraid. He's probably doing something amazing, like reading a book or growing a beard."

"[after the war, Jojo realizes how horrible Hitler was, and attempts to kick him out of his life] FUCK OFF, HITLER."

"[to Jojo] Mmmm-mmm-mm-mmm, my darling little cub."

"[tying Jojo's shoes] You grab the rabbit by the tail, wrap it around his ear, tie it all up and then stuff it back down the hole."

"[responding to Jojo who whines over his scar] Enjoy the attention, kid. Not everyone is lucky enough to look stupid. I for one am cursed to look incredibly attractive."

"[making dinner] Where are all our god damn knives!?"

"[to Jojo] Hi."

"[to Jojo] What will you do, sweet Hitlerchen? Hmm? Of course. Go on, then. Tell them. But do you know what happens if you do? I'll tell them you helped me. And your mother, too. Then we'll all be kaputt. And if you tell her you know about me, just one word... I'll do the world a great, big favor and cut your Nazi head off. Got it?"