"Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you.""

"Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn."

"Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."

"Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor."

"Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats."

"I babyproofed my house recently. Now there's no way in hell a baby's getting in here."

"Oh, butterpumpkins."

"Hey, kids! Uncle Ohm says "Sin is in!""

"Did somebody order a DEAD MANATEE!?"

"Oh hold on, I'm sorry. It's just I was up all night, murdering your wife."

"Wheel doesn't grease itself."

"You killed Captain Clown.... YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!!"

"Souls of the damned! I realize you are all condemned to eternally experiencing the utmost levels of pain, but I have good news!... I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

"Oh, never fucking mind. I'm gonna go poke Jack the Ripper with a pointy stick."

"When Karnella's your ace in the hole, you're not just scraping the bottom of the barrel, you've thrown the barrel away."

"Bring the whole family to meet our mascot, Rapist the Clown!"

"I'd like to watch a zebra walk by a white picket fence at night. That'd be nuts."

"Being a vampire would suck."

"Ha ha! Res!"

"The fire department could increase their numbers by about 2 million per year if they recruited directly from elementary school."

""Do you like to work with your hands?" As if I have a choice."

"If someone answered my phone call with "Where you at?" I'd have to ask them "Where you at?" So I could hunt them down, and kill them."

"Someone needs to just tell John Goodman, "Mr.Goodman, please. It's a menu. Not a to-do list.""

"SHIT HAS HAPPENED - (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (G)ET A BEER?"

"So, you heard about the guy that got sent to jail for sharing Daredevil with Bittorrent? Serves him right, spreading filth like that..."

""Before you can love others, you must first love yourself". If you all excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom so hold all my calls."

"Should we tell him that "zapatista" has nothing to do with "Frank Zappa"?"

"SYSTEM ERROR - smash your head against the keyboard to continue."

"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."

"I've got a... Uh... Uh... Oh yeah, a pornographic memory!"

"I had a cat once. It tasted like chicken... What? I was hungry and the store was, like, closed."

""The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope". I must confess that I don't see what the fuss is about... He's just a regular human being like the rest of us. And besides I don't believe in God and all that religious stuff. I believe in myself instead. [pause] I'm going to hell for saying that huh?"

"[to Marcus] You lie to your inflatable doll!!?"

"Do I look like a fucking people person?"

"You call placing duct tape with sticky side up on the floor with cheese on it a mouse trap?"

"I'm afraid we have a lunatic on our hands... Look he's doing it again! That same man from yesterday just drove by and threw a newspaper at our porch!"

"Mayberry Melonpool"

"Ralph Zinobop"

"Ralphie Zinobop"

"Sam T. Dogg"

"Conversations"

"Rule 21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow."

"Rule 70. Failure is not an option. It is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do."

"Rule 51. Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it."

"Rule 49. Every client is one missed payment away from becoming a target."